I am fed up with the world and every senseless person in it. They were like sheep simply walking and hoping somebody would come and help them when they needed something. And it makes me sick every time I think about it. I didn't have very much friends and we only hung out at school so that meant I had a lot of time at home to think. To be trapped within myself. Now I wouldn't say I am crazy but I do talk to myself and not the stereo typed way, "oh how are you"? "I am just fantastic!" Nothing at all like that.
It was more of a waiting, thinking things through before I did them. I would debate and decide which action I should take. I pictured things in my head, other people would call it' zoning out' or 'head in the clouds' but for me it was simple plotting. Every day in class I would think to myself, If I had a gun and six rounds who would I kill out of the class? I insult myself also, for example I will think some guy is cute and tell myself to shut up and not to get my hopes up or anything because truth be told he didn't care at all about me. That is how things had always been, except now I didn't even bother getting my hopes up.
After laying on the bed for a while I decided to just go to sleep, ignoring Hunger shouting at me in my stomach.
Beep beep beep beep beep be- my alarm went until I shut it off. That was always the worst sound in the morning. But I didn't exactly hate school any where away from my mom was okay with me. I looked on top of my bunk bed and looked for clothes to wear. I didn't bother putting the clothes I actually wear in my dresser because I didn't have that many outfits and it was a hassle to go in there every day to get the same clothes over and over again. I decided to settle on a pair of dark skinny jeans and a Death Note anime shirt. With my same usual black sweatshirt. I lazily put my hair into a ponytail, which I did every morning because I couldn't stand my hair in my face.
I walked down the slender hallway to the living room, in there my mom lied on the clawed up couch from my cat, watching T.V. What a big surprise. I was done within ten minutes as usual and I never ate breakfast I could take off a couple of pounds since according to everybody I was fat. I didn't wear makeup either because I had come to the conclusion after thinking that who the hell was I honestly trying to impress.
"Did you have any homework?" My mom asks. And I instantly say,
"No". I did have homework but I never did homework. In math I hadn't done a set since December, two months ago. Finals were coming up and I knew I needed to study but I just didn't want to, if anything I wanted to fail just so my mom wouldn't be happy with anything I did.
"How are your grades?" She once again asks. My anger and patience were running up to the top. But not at all showed it.
"Passing" I say simply thinking that nothing can be question by that. You would think I would have known by now.
"Well, it had better be a good passing because if you have bad grades you are not goin-" I cut her off and started yelling.
"Or else what? I don't do anything on my weekends except go on computer, eat, and sleep! I don't go anywhere and I don't have any friends! So what are you honestly going to do!" Whenever I start to yell she always follows and same goes when she starts yelling.
"Don't yell at me Bonny! I am your mother and you will listen to me!"
"Yeah because that is likely to happen you never listen to what I have to say so how can you honestly say that?! I am sick of you!" And she returns it right back.
"Not as sick as me. Go to school." As she always does, commands me to do something to act like she has won the argument but I knew what was going through both our heads: I win.
I did as she asked and left out the door kicking the wall and slamming the door as I left. I wanted to cry, for me crying was able to get out all my emotion with in me. But I couldn't cry at school, too many people who honestly didn't care about me would ask questions just to be nosy. When I knew the truth, they didn't care one bit they just absorbed drama like a dry sponge. I decided to close my eyes and think of something happy, but then I realized I have nothing, absolutely nothing to be happy about which made me want to cry even more.