I had, had other incidences like this, but I had realized my anger over the years had picked up. If somebody were even to say something very insulting to me I would blow up on them. I was everybody's punching bag they would say things to me like "God Bonny, you sure are fat" I knew they were joking,but the the nagging question remained, were they? I never thought myself to be fat until people kept saying it and that is where I slowly began to become self-conscious of myself. Like having to walk around with a backpack because it hides most of me and wearing shirts two sizes to big just so nobody can see how I actually look, it drives me crazy but this is how life has been ever since fifth grade.
My whole life had been filled with lies and insults. I had never been liked, ever in school I had friends on and off but nobody ever liked me. Guys only talked to me if they needed something or they were being jerks. I was always in the corner even in my own house, as I said before I am the screw-off child. My head feels like it is going to explode because it just can't take enough it anymore. This feeling is like torture in the mind and there is nothing you do to make it go away. A sensation that no amount of description can give it justice.
Sitting in my room listening to my radio handed down from my cousin and hoping good music would come on (but of course with my luck that didn't happen) was my daily routine. I never did my homework because I had figured what was the point and found my grades slowly dropping. I skipped sixth period yesterday just for the trill of doing something I know I could get in trouble for, and my teacher didn't even notice I was gone. There was a basketball game and I played the clarinet in the band and she was there and all she says to me is "Hey Bonny, What are you doing here?" and I just reply band and she bids me good luck and see you there. And also later that night the phone never rang so Ms. Melissa never marked me absent, boy did I feel like I meant something to the world. The main thing that pushed me over was that she actually seemed happy, meaning to me that she was happy I wasn't in her class.
I was just getting so sick of being treated like shit all of my life. Never do I remember where I was actually treated like an actual person. I don't know how it is so hard for people to understand every time they insult me until the point I am walking down the street hoping for a car to hit me, that they make me want to die more and more everyday. Then I go home to my mom who picks fights telling me how I never do anything around the house when really it is the other way around. I don't get to live like the average fifteen year old, I act like the adult in the situation I clean up, do laundry, cook the food, and even pick up after my mom. It drives me insane I want to be able to go out there and live like a kid while I still am.
The idea of meaning absolutely nothing to my family, school, or the somewhat of friends I had was just usual, I had learned to accept it. My own father didn't want me he had left me and my mom for some other lady he met over the internet. He was the only one until that point in time that I thought had actually loved me but once again my only happiness had been snatched away and the same lonely empty feeling flooded me once again. It drove me crazy being unable to do anything about I am not even old enough to get a job.