10 years later…
I unlocked the front door, stepped inside, and hung my purse, jacket, and scarf on the hangers by the door hanging on the wall. I slid up my white sweater’s sleeves and entered the kitchen only taking two steps. The apartment was small but it suited me. I wasn’t poor, I was happy with my job as a worker at a beauty salon.
When I entered the kitchen I was embraced in the grasp of Oliver. “Gotcha!” he played. I laughed at he picked me up, spun me around, set me down and pecked my lips.
“How’s work?” he asked.
“Normal, nothing really different.” I replied.
We smiled at each other. He always made me smile.
“Yours?” I asked.
“Boring, you weren’t there.” He charmed.
“Aww, how bout I make that up tonight?” I asked playfully.
“Sure.” He replied and planted another peck on my lips.
We giggled and I reached for the black hair-bow around my wrist and pulled my hair back into a sloppy ponytail but it kept my hair back.
Silence broke in. We both knew what tomorrow was.
I put down the knife to cut the onion, bent my head down, and walked over to the couch to sit down. I breathed in deeply but I didn’t want to let it out.
“You wish the same thing still don’t you?” Oliver asked me sitting down beside me.
“Every year, every month, and every day.” I replied.
“I do too.” Oliver hugged me and he led us down lying on the couch. “It’s alright. We’ve just got to learn to live with our mistakes, is all.”
“Do you regret ever having sex?” I asked him.
“No I never regret loving you.” Oliver replied the same way.
Ever since we were seventeen we regretted only one thing in our lives…having that goddamn procedure we thought would save and help us. It only led us to misery and harsh regret. But we killed, our baby boy. I could never think of it as losing a family member like what the therapist suggested. I feel the same as I did ten years ago, I never regret loving Oliver, and I still remember that fear. We named our little boy, Charlie.
“Lucy?” Oliver asked pulling me out of thought. “You know you don’t have to make it up tonight.”
“I’m not gonna not love you.” I said. “I just can’t think of losing Charlie, I keep thinking we had that fucking procedure.”
Oliver hugged me tighter and kissed my cheek. I rested my head on his chest and I tried to take my thoughts away from Charlie at the moment.
I remember how I felt that previous night before I told my parents I was pregnant. I felt loved, and it was damn nice. I’m surprised that our parents never saw this coming. Or at least didn’t expect us to have unsafe sex. But Oliver and I have been through eighth grade, and all through high school, and now. Fourteen years we’ve been together. I’ve dreamt about holding Oliver’s hand, but after Charlie…I only dream of holding my boy’s hand. Oliver will never play baseball, football, have father-son days, and never know what it’s like having a son. The decision destroyed us both.
We’re twenty-seven years old and we’re like your average couple from the outside. But inside, we suffered a lot from losing Charlie.
“Oliver?” I asked.
“What time are we leaving tomorrow?”
“Just making sure. So I’ll leave work a little earlier to pick up something from mom’s place.”
That wish I wish for every day is that, we had kept our Charlie.