A lot of effort it took for this small action. A lot of convincing myself. A lot of very delicate analysis of the various possible consequences of this small action.
The sound of the first ring reaches my ears through the cellular device, and I close my eyes as a familiar feeling of dread slowly grips me.
What will I say to you, if you decide to take this call? What do I have to share that may interest you, or at least make you curious enough to not hang up immediately?
I imagine you sitting in your chair. And your phone flashes my name on its screen.
I imagine the expression on your face, and I already regret the decision of calling.
But there’s no turning back now, cause missed calls are just cheap.
I simply cannot let you think that I’m cheap. Uninteresting, maybe, but not cheap.
I remember how it used to upset me all those times you wouldn’t take my calls.
I laugh to myself at how, now, I don’t want you to pick up the call anyway.
How things change. The only thing that hasn’t changed, is that I’m still calling.
One might think that I’m in a sort of win-win situation. Whether you pick up or no, I wont be disappointed.
I’m calling you simply out of habit now, and out of the same habit, I know that when the expected will happen, I will be taken by at least a few moments of hurt.
These little doses of hurt that you give me, I know neither how to avenge them, nor to continue to ignore them.
So, I displace.
I can still remember you teaching me what displacing is. These, are my practical lessons then, and you are still my teacher.
Now when people call me, I just silence the rings and, in the quiet, watch my phone flash the names of callers.
I just sit here in my chair and watch…