There was a second where nobody did anything, then Dudley came charging out of his room, Petunia charged upstairs to the toilet, and Vernon picked up a newspaper and pretended to read it. It would have looked more convincing if the newspaper had been the right way up. Just then Petunia Screamed. “What is it dear?” Asked Vernon.
“Dudley’s bedroom is covered in white stuff.” Shrieked Petunia.
“HARRY!” Bellowed Vernon.
“Always jumping to conclusions. And aren’t you going to answer the door.”
“WELL DUDLEY DIDDN’T DO IT!” Screamed Petunia, “He said so.”
“I’LL OPEN IT THEN!” Harry, walked over to the door and opened it and a voice which seemed to come out of nowhere said: “FUCKING HELL TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!” Harry looked down, and saw a Midget with a very long beard and Hair. “Sorry, the Family was having an argument about who masturbated in Dudley’s Room.” Said Harry.
“ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I DID IT” Confessed Uncle Vernon. The Midget, who foresaw a long and uncomfortable silence said: “Hagrid’s the name, Rubeus Hagrid.”
“Harry, Harry Potter.” Said Harry.
“Yes, I know who you are.” Replied Hagrid. Harry was suddenly panicing.
“How do you know? Are you spying on us? Who sent you here? What are you doing here? When did you grow that Beard? Where do you live? Why are you so small? Which one of those Sandwiches are poisoned? What are these South African Dinosaurs-”
“Harry, Harry...You’re a wizard.” Said Hagrid.
“I’m, I’m a, a Lizard?”
“No Harry, a wizard.”
“Oh, Yeah right, and I suppose my parents died in their house when I was one, and they were killed by the most evil wizard since James Blunt and then tried to kill me but failed and now he’s hiding in the forests of Albania.”
“No, I think someone’s been reading too much Harry Potter, your father was killed in a accident involving a space Hopper and your mother was killed when she refused to have sex with a drunk policeman.”
“OK, why are you here?” Asked Harry.
“To offer you a place at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry, your Uncle’s got the letter there.” Hagrid said, and suddenly the letter flew out of Vernon’s Hand, slapped all of the Dursleys, and flew into Harry’s Hand. “Dear Mr. Otter?”
“Yeah, the spell check wasn’t working, just read on.”
Dear Mr. Otter.
You have been invited to attend Hogwarts school of Bitchcraft and Lizardry.
Headmaster: Albus Dumblebore
(Order of Merlin, First Class. Grand Sockserer , Chef Warlock, Suprime Mugwump,International conferderation of wizards.
Please find enclosed a list of all Necessary boooks and equipment. Term begins on the 1st of spectember. We await your owl by no later than the 41st of July.
Questions filled up in Harry’s head, but he decided to ask the most important first. “WHAT THE FUCK?”
“Well you see harry, it’s baisically saying, that you go to Hogwarts school of withcraft and wizardry. And you have to send a let... oh shit.” Hagrid rushed over to the tree in the garden, did some magicy shit and got paper, then he ‘borrowed’ Vernon’s pen, and wrote a quick letter. Harry couldn’t see what he was writing, but their seemed to be a lot of kisses at the end. “Anyway, best get some sleep.” Said Hagrid. We’ve got a busy day tomorrow.
“HANG ON A MINUTE!” Shouted Vernon. Harry Had completely forgotten that the Dursley’s were in the room. “DON’T WE GET A SAY IN THIS!”
“Er, hmm, Um, NO!” Shouted Harry. Hagrid then said Lazius Boneius, and all the Dursleys fell asleep.
“Wow.” Harry Said. “So where are we going tomorrow.”
“To a little place with over 600 shops called Diagonal Alley. NOW GO TO SLEEP.”
The next day, they got to diagonal alley at 9:00 AM. Although they left at 6:30, and it’s only about an half an hour train journey to Diagonal alley, Hagrid wasted a lot of time trying to fit through the ticket barrier, and because he weighed so much, the train could only travel at 5mph. But they finally got there.
“THIS, IS DIAGONAL ALLEY!” Said Hagrid in a booming voice.
“Yes, I saw the sign.” Said Harry, staring at the 24 foot sign.
“Now, before we go anywhere else, we need to get some money out of Gringotts.” Said Hagrid. “That’s the bank.” Said Hagrid, in response to Harry’s confused face. “Run by penguins.”
“Penguins?” Said Harry, startled.
“Yeah, so you’d be mad to try and rob it.”
“Well Harry, penguins are very experienced with Spears.”
“All Penguins are very good with spears.”
“But when do they learn how to use them?”
“When do seals learn to do all those tricks with balls?” That conversation took them to Gringotts, where a penguin was standing outside welcoming people.
“Ah, hello Hagrid.”It said.
“Hello Jessica.” Said Hagrid. “Have you had a good summer so far?”
“Terrible” She answered. “The emus in the ministry of magic tried to take over our bank.”
“That is terrible.” Said Hagrid sympatheticly.
“Yes, as if emus would be able to run a bank when they can’t even lead the department of terrible magical gags properly. Oh hello.” She said, spotting Harry for the first time. “You’re that famous bloke aren’t you, the one who survived a space hopper crash, um, Larry was it?”
“Harry.” Harry Replied. “Nice to meet you.”
“Don’t suppose you’ve ever talked to a penguin before, being raised by muggles and all.”
“No I haven’t, although I did talk to a snake once, in a zoo.” Even though harry didn’t say that loudly, the whole street suddenly went quiet.
“Come on harry, let’s go.” Whispered Hagrid, pushing him through the door. As soon as they were inside, the noise started up again.
“What was all that about?” Asked Harry.
“Never mind.” Said Hagrid
“Hello Griphook.” Said Hagrid, who was now talking to a penguin behind counter number 69.
“Hello, how can I help you?” Said the penguin, his voice was cheery but his face was still grumpy.
“Mr. Harry Potter here would like to get some money out of vault 786.”
“OK, anything else?”
“And I’ve got to get the you know what out of vault you know which before you know who steals it and you know why.” Hagrid whispered, Harry was confused.
“OK, let’s go, would you like to go A: sluggish, B: Slow, C: medium, d: fast, E: Very Fast, F: Insane or G: Suicidal?”
“Sluggish.” Said Hagrid.
“No suicidal.” Argued Harry.
“I get travel sickness.” Hagrid explained.
“I get bored.” Harry Explained.
“Fine we’ll flip a coin.” Said Hagrid, pulling out a Galleon
“Tails.” Harry said Lazilly.
“It landed on its side, I’ll flip it again.” Said Hagrid, flipping it again.
“Heads.” Said Harry.
“Ok, fine, suicidal, but DON’T TALK TO ME, it is best if I keep my mouth shut.”
“What, are you going to eat your own vomit, like cows?” Harry said, and then jumped out of the way as Hagrid threw up.
“Ok, we’ll go medium.” Said Harry.
When they got to vault 786, Hagrid gave a start.
“SHIT, WHERE’S THE KEY.”
“You Forgot...the key.” Said Griphook, surprised.
“No look, it’s in the door, someone left it there.” Pointed out Harry.
“Oh.” Said Hagrid and Griphook. When they opened the vault, a ton of coins started to fall out, but luckily Hagrid stood infront of them and they fell into a sack he was holding.
“There.” He said, slamming the door. “That’ll do for a couple of terms. Now, You know where now and you know how.” They arrived at vault ‘You know which’ (which is actually what it is titled.) And Griphook moved forward, and knocked on the door.
“Who’s There?” Asked the door.
The last part of the joke was whispered and the door roared with laughter and opened.
“What happened there?” Asked harry perplexed.
“You have to say the knock knock joke which has been assigned to everyone who works in this bank.” Explained Griphook.
“What did you say?” Asked harry
“I can’t tell you, then you’ll be able to get in. And don’t try guessing, you’ll get sucked through the door and trapped until someone gets you.”
“How often do you check?”
“Never, now, Hagrid here is the ‘you know what’.”
“Harry saw a package which was about 6 inches long, but didn’t see what it was.”
“So Harry, what do you need?” Asked Hagrid. “There’s a list in the envelope.” Said Hagrid, seeing Harry’s face. Harry opened the envelope and read:
HOOGWARTS SKOOL OF WHICHCRAFT AND POTTERY
First year students will require:
1.Three sets of plain work robes (black)
2.One Plan pointed hat (black) for doy wear
3.One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or smileier)
4. One winter croak (black, silver fastenings.
Please note that all students’ clothes should carry name tags.
All students should have a coopy of each of the following:
The standard book of Spells (grade 1) By Jo King
A History of Magic by Batilda Bagshot
Magical Theory by Lee King
A Beginners guide to transfigureation by Sonny Day
One Thousand magical Herbs and fungi by Tim Burr
Magica Drafts and Potions by Hazel Nutt
Fantastic beasts and where to find them by Terry Wrist
The Dark Forces: A Guide to self-Protection by Barry Cade
1 set glass or crystal files
1 set brass scales
Students may also bring an owl OR a cat OR a Toad OR anything else.
PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMS, WE WILL PROVIDE THEM WITH OUR WN BROOMS TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE LAZY SEVENTH YEARS.
Hagrid had walked off to the Leaky cauldron to by six pints of beers, so Harry went off to Madame Milkins robes for all occasions. Harry hadn’t expected it to be so literal. There were robes for: Collecting the milk, Gardening, eating, masturbating, playing scrabble, and a lot more.
“Hogwarts too, dear?” Asked an old woman standing at the door. “Come this way.” She said, dragging him to the back of the shop. “Now, take off your clothes.”
“You heard me, take them off.” But before Harry could do anything, another voice said.
“Michelle, what have I told you about raping all the new Hogwarts students, you don’t even work here.” Complaining loudly, the old woman left the shop.
“Sorry about that, I’m Madame Milkin, stand over there by that blonde guy.” Said Madame Milkin, pointing over to a blonde boy. Harry walked over to him.
“Oh, hello, I don’t mean to be rude but, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!” He said.
“I’m-” Harry began.
“I’m Draco Malfoy, ARE YOU PURE BLOOD!”
“Err-” Just then Hagrid, waved at Harry through the window.
“Who the hell is that?”
“Oh, like it matters, see you at Hogwarts.” He said, then left.
Because I can’t be bothered to explain what happened in the rest of Diagonal Alley, I’ll just say that harry got the sister of lord Voldemort’s wand (Lady Voldemort.) In case you didn’t read the first chapter, Lord Voldemort is the tall thin white skinned asshole. The wand shop owner, explained to Harry about all that happened, then I finish writing this chapter...