Harry spent over 9 years at the Dursley’s house, in which his Uncle bellowed at him, his Aunt forced him to do terrible chores like, cleaning the toilet with a knife and fork which he would be later made to eat with without being washed. Although his Aunt’s cooking was so terrible, that it made it taste slightly better. And his Cousin would beat him up using a variety of items ranging from soft toys to lawnmowers. As you can guess, he wasn’t particularly happy with his life. School was no better. Dudley and his gang (who call themselves ‘the Dudders’) always tried to beat him up. He was always chosen last when they were choosing teams in PE, not because he was completely shit at every single sport in the world, but because they didn’t want Dudley to think they liked him...ok maybe more the first reason, but he was also terrible in his lessons and often got in trouble for some bizarre things that he was always blamed for. For example when he was found on the top of the roof, it was somehow ‘his fault.’ And when he was alone in a classroom, it must have been ‘him’ who scribbled all over every inch of the classroom. But the worst of it, were Dudley’s birthdays...
“GET UP, NOW.” Shrieked a voice through the door to the garden (which he was always made to sleep without any shelter.)
“I AM up.” Said harry. “I’m just too badly hurt to get up.” He had already decided he was going to avoid going to the Russian roulette Olympics this year.
“You will be in a minute, It’s Dudley’s birthday.” His Aunt Hissed.
“I can’t get up, I, err, I have swine flu, I got it from our next door neighbour, Pepe Gondzales Lopez or whatever his name his.” Harry Said.
“His name is Frank.” Said Petunia. “OK, fine, if you’re not going to get up, VERNON, GET THE TRUCK.”
“I’m too busy trying to strangle Harry.” Said Vernon from around the corner, with noises of Somebody Gasping for air.
“Harry’s outside! That’s Dudley.”
“Oh sorry son, are you ok?” Said Vernon Concerned. There was a noise of somebody falling on the floor.
“He’s fine, ok I’ll get the truck.”
“OK, OK, I’m up, I’m Up!” Screamed Harry.
“Leave it Vernon.” Said Petunia.
“Oh man, I never get to use the truck.” Complained Vernon
“By the way, why am I not allowed to sleep in one of the spare bedrooms?” Harry asked.
“Because one of them is for Dudley’s many toys-”
“Which he never uses.” Mumbled Harry. Petunia continued as if he hadn’t said anything.
“-And I’m pregnant.”
“YOU’VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR THE LAST 8 YEARS!”
“And Pregnancy lasts 9.”
“Months, not years.”
“LOOK, I just like being mean to you, happy.”
“No, I’ve had to sleep outside for most of my life because my Aunt’s a bitch.”
“Are you going to get up and cook this zebra, or do I actually have to get the truck.”
“Dudley specifically requested a zebra.” Petunia said, starting to walk off. “Oh and by the way, I want you to cook a Dodo for my birthday next month.”
“THEY’RE EXTINCT.” Said Harry Outraged.
“Then you better work twice as hard.” Whispered Petunia walking away again.
“FUCK.” Harry screamed so loudly that you could probably here it from Jupiter, if space wasn’t a vacuum.
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?” Asked Petunia in a shriek.
“Duck.” Said Harry. “I assume that’s what I’m cooking for uncle Vernon’s birthday in November.”
“Nope, you’re cooking a T-Rex.” She said, walking away for the third time.
“God I hate my life.” Said Harry as he walked into the kitchen and dining room.
He then heard Dudley’s voice. “62??? THAT’S HOW MANY PRESENTS I HAVE, THAT’S 25 LESS THAN LAST YEAR.”
“If you half of those present’s were brains, you’d realise that it is 52 MORE...than last year.” Said Harry under his breath, so Dudley wouldn’t hear him. “I don’t know why you bother spending so much money on him, by the end of the day they’ll just end up in his spare bedroom and never get used again.” Said Harry louder.
“Shut up and cook that zebra.” Said Vernon tiredly.
“So where are we going this year?” Asked harry, dreading the answer.
“Oh yes, I forgot to ask Dudley that. Well Dudley, where do you want to go?” Asked Petunia.
“Um, a Male strip bar.” Said Dudley. Vernon, Petunia and Harry had different reactions on this. Petunia said: “Anything you want Dudley.” Vernon gazed open mouthed at his son for a few minutes.
Harry Said: “NO WAY, I AM NOT GOING THERE AGAIN!”
“Would you rather stay with Mrs. Figg?” Asked Petunia.
Harry was in the car quicker than you could say ‘oh my god was that a monkey with a gun?’
“Let’s Go!” Said Harry.
On the way there they picked up one of Dudley’s friends (Piers.) who would be in for a big surprise when he found out where they were going. However, when they got there it was closed. “What the fuck, it’s closed!” Shouted Dudley.
“Hey why is he allowed to swear?” Complained Harry.
“Because he’s Got a Y in his name.” Explained Petunia.
“SO DO I, H-A-R-R-Y you stupid Bastard.”
“Stop swearing harry.” Said Vernon. Harry wasn’t sure what happened next, all he remembered was feeling very angry, but the next thing he knew, something very heavy fell on Piers, and Vernon started strangling him. “HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO MAKE BEARS FALL OUT OF THE SKY?” Shouted Vernon. Harry Thought for a minute then replied:
“EXACTLY, NOW YOU ARE RELLY GOING TO REGRET DOING THAT. YOU ARE GOING TO GO TO THE SHOP, AND BUY SOME TOILET PAPER!” Bellowed Uncle Vernon.
“Oh dear.” Said Harry sarcastically.
A few weeks later, They had sex education at school. Quite how Dudley managed to get back home Harry would never know. Dudley was shivering all over, and his eyes hadn’t closed for about an hour.
“What is it Dudley?” Pleaded Petunia.
“I thi-” Started Harry, before being interrupted.
“BE QUIET.” Uncle Vernon Interrupted. “Has someone been offering you drugs.”
“BE QUIET HARRY.” Shrieked Petunia.
“I DON’T THINK SHOWING US 3 HOURS OF HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY WAS THE BEST WAY TO TEACH US ABOUT SEX.” Said Harry loudly, so the Dursley’s couldn’t interrupt. Vernon turned to look at him. “IT’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT, I HAT TO WATCH 7 HOURS, AND I’M PERFECTLY SANE.”
“Right.” Said harry sarcastically. There was a 10 second silence.
“Get the post Harry.” said Petunia, at the sound of the post being posted through the letterbox. Harry went, not sorry to leave the scene. “Porn, Porn, Bill, Letter from Aunt Marge.” He ripped the last one into pieces. “Mysterious letter addressed to me.”
He walked back into the room where everyone was still silent. “Here’s your porn Vernon.” Said Harry, about to hand it to Vernon when Dudley snatched it out of his hand, they all stared at him for a few moments, all thinking the very same thing: Dudley’s room would soon be covered in white stuff, Petunia was annoyed because she would have to clean it all up, Vernon was proud, because it wasn’t until Vernon was 12 when he started wanking, and Harry was sure that Dudley would ask for a prostitute for Christmas. I suggest you take a deep breath before reading that last sentence. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the handing out of letters. “Here’s a bill.” Said harry giving it to Vernon. Vernon took it quickly, thinking that Dudley would try to steal that as well. “And here is a mysterious letter addressed to me, wait that’s mine.” But it was too late, Vernon had taken it, with a horrified expression on his face. Just then, there was a Knock on the door...