Harry Potter and the Philosopher's BoneMature

A Parody of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (Obviously.) If you have not already read Harry potter and the Philosopher's Bone, please do. This is NOT a substitute for the original.

Chapter 1: The end of the Potters

                It was the 31st September, in the early hours of the morning, in Godric’s Hollow, when two figures were arguing, one a tall thin white skinned asshole, the other was a short fat turquoise skinned coward. 

“Pettigrew you do not want me as your enemy!” Shouted the tall thin white skinned asshole The short fat turquoise skinned coward stammered incoherently for a few hours, before saying:

“N-no m-my l-l-l-lord, if I knew where they lived, I would tell y-you.”

“Lord Voldemort always Knows.” Voldemort (who was the tall thin white skinned asshole) whispered. “STOP LYING!” He shouted.

“I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE JACKSONS LIVE” Cried out Pettigrew (the short fat turquoise skinned coward.) “Jacksons?” said Voldemort confused, “no, I said POTTERS, not JACKSONS”

“Oh” Pettigrew said. “They live just behind where we are standing right now in fact”

“Thank you” Said Voldemort. There was a few seconds silence before Peter Pettigrew asked:

“Aren’t you going to enter?”

“Of course.” Answered Voldemort, “Once it is dark.”

“Why?” Asked Pettigrew more confused than usual.

“Because.” Said voldemort in the tone of an incredibly smug teacher explaining to a 2 year old that the square root of 66 multiplied by 8 is 64.99230724. “It’s much spookier in the dark.” Pettigrew stared blankly at him for a few minutes, then walked away.


                At 9:00 voldemort came out from his hiding place, then wiped it up, then walked up to the Potter’s House, Broke the widow, and climbed in.

“Lilly, take harry and run.” Said a panicked voice “No COME BACK, YOU FORGOT HARY” Shouted the voice, waving a baby around his head. “Bitch!” He said, throwing the baby onto the sofa.

“OW” Shouted voldemort having just fallen through the window.

“Serves you right for climbing through the window when the door was wide open.” Said the only man in the room (James Potter.)

“Hello I’m her f- wait what” Said Voldemort startled.

“We always leave the door open, we love visitors” Answered James.

“Well you could have told me when I rang yesterday”

“I was going to but then you hang up.”

“Well I’m pretty much broke at the moment so I couldn’t afford long calls” They continued in this fashion for a few minutes before Voldemort climbed back out of the window and went in through the door.

“Right, where were we?” Asked Voldemort. “Ah yes, I was about to murder you.” Just then James Pulled out a semi-automatic pistol.

“I don’t think so, BITCH” Whispered James ruthlessly. Voldemort laughed.

“You think you can stop me with your useless muggle toy” Sneered Voldemort.

“Toy...USELESS?” Said James outraged. “this ‘Useless Muggle toy’ will fire a nine millimetre bullet shattering through your skull, into your brain and force its way out the other side, come back to life after that.”

“Go on then, you don’t have the balls.” Sneered Voldemort.

“I don’t need balls, I’ve got a gun” Retorted James. Although maybe voldemort had a point, he wasn’t ready to kill. After a few seconds James whacked Voldemort around the head with the gun, and then kneed him in the groin. Voldemort crumpled, and James fled with harry on a space hopper. Unfortunately, on the motorway he crashed into a car and died. Harry however survived almost unharmed, except for a scar which vaguely resembled a smiley face on his forehead.


                A few hours later a midget on a flying motorcycle picked up harry and took him to a small place called Pervert Drive, where an exceedingly old Man and a younger woman stood talking. Their names were: Albus Dumbledore, and Minerva McGonagall. The Midget, was named Rubeus Hagrid.

“Ah here he is now.” Dumbledore said Pointing up in the sky. A few seconds later, he landed.

“Professor Dumbledore sir.” Said Hagrid “Professor McGonagall, I’ve got him” He said, trying to lift up harry, but harry was almost the size of Hagrid already, so he couldn’t hold him up for very long.

Dumbledore stooped and picked him up.

“The poor poor child” Said Dumbledore sadly.

“Eugh, what is that horrible thing on his head.” Said McGonagall disgusted.

“His hair.” Replied Dumbledore.

“Oh.” Said McGonagall. There was an awkward silence, “Oh look a squirrel.” She said, trying to distract them.

“Well, I’ll be taking harry to his relatives.” Said Dumbledore, getting up and putting Harry on the doorstep of number 4 with a letter on top.

“You’re just going to leave him there?” asked McGonagall.

“It’s the 1:00 in the morning, I don’t want to disturb them.”

“DISTURB THEM!” Shrieked McGonagall. “I’ve been watching the house, and their son has got to be louder than peeves fucking Mrs. Norris.” Without either of them noticing Hagrid Climbed onto the motorcycle with difficulty and flew off, leaving the two to argue for hours to come.

The End

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