Happy Birthday Hairy!

Uncle Volcano rented a boat out the next morning. Luckily a sharp gale-force wind meant tha nobody had to row. The boat sped along the choppy waters, finally reaching a safe house in the middle of the sea.

Aunt Prudery unpacked the suitcases - Uncle Volcano's case was full of wigs and condoms, Dumbo's was full of computer games and a miniture television - 'Where's the ruddy plug, boy?!' his uncle screamed - and Hairy's case was empty, his only possessions being the matchbox in which he slept. And it would be silly, after all, to take your bedroom with you on holiday.

Everyone eventually fell asleep. Hairy listened grimly to his uncles rumbling snores, and his aunts whiny trilling snores. He drew a birthday cake in he dirt.

'Make a wish, Hairy,' he said, blowing out the 'candles'.

There was suddenly a huge bang as the door was blown down. Uncle Volcano's head cracked the ceiling and he bellowed like a recentlty castrated rhinoceros. Through the door, Hairy saw a huge man, soaking wet from the walk up to the safehouse. The figure approached, and promptly got himself stuck in the door, and Hairy spent two uncomfortable minutes trying to wrench him out.

'Who the devil are you?!' Uncle Volcano roared as he saw the huge man.

'Name's Horrid,' he said, shaking a few crabs from his beard. 'I'm 'ere to deliv'r this note to 'Airy 'ere.'

'I'm sorry?' Hairy said, gazing up at the man.

'I said, I've go' a message to deliv'r t'Airy Snott'r.' He held out an envelope. Hairy, unable to understand the man, took the envelope and opened it.

Dear Mr Snotter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been granted a place at Hogwash school of Witchcraft and Wizardry...

He stared up at Horrid in amazement. 'Hogwash school of Witchcraft and Wizardry? But I'm not...'

'A Wiz'rd,' Horrid grumbled, pulling a birthday cake out of his beard and brushing off a stray crab. 'An' a thump'n goodun I'd wager, once you'n bin train'd up bit o' course.'


'He will not be going to that school!' Uncle Volcano roared, making Horrid drop his cake. Hairy was only half aware of his cousin Dumbo rushing forward towards the cake. 'I will not pay to have that crackpot Bumblebee teach him magic tricks!'

Horrid stepped over Dumbo, scoffing cake on the floor. 'Now don' say tha' sorta thing! Sure old Buml'bee took bit o' crack but you'll no' insul' Buml'bee in fronta me!'

Hairy stared at the giant man, bemused. He suddenly lunged forward with a large frilly unbrella. A bolt of light streaked across and hit his cousin, who sat down very suddenly. He squealed in terror, and then his sqeals became louder and more snorty, and Dumbo became a pig. The big man took Hairy under the armpits and dragged hi  out of the house, while his aunt and uncle swore and tried to get Dumbo to stop running round in circles.

The End

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