Join Hairy Snotter and his friends Rod and Briony at the magical school of Hogwash, where he meets Bumblebee, the kindly headmaster, Snakes, the horrible potions master, and the dark lord VulgarWart.
Hairy was a wizard. He'd known this ever since he was three, when he'd accidentally turned his Uncle Volcano Duhbrain's car into an elephant, although Uncle Volcano had decided it was 'just a coincidence'.
Hairy had no parents. They'd both died when he was just a baby, and he had been raised by his cruel and neglecting Uncle Volcano and Aunt Prudery. Their son, Dumbo, was also mean to Hairy, and often bullied and tormented him. Once, Hairy recalled, Dumbo had actually tied him down and smeared barbeque sauce all over him before setting the fire-ants on him.
The Duhbrains also never bought Hairy any of his own clothes. He had to make do with Dumbo's old ones, which also doubled as an emergency duvet. They refused to believe that Hairy could do magic, and they also made him sleep in a shoebox.
Hairy was very very odd looking. He had mad hair that always stood up on end, green eyes and a scar on his forehead, shaped like a tennis raquet, which he had got in the car crash his parents had died in. Sad.
Anyway, back to the story, Hairy's birthday was coming up, and yet the Duhbrains concentrated only on Dumbo's birthday. Uncle Volcano had forked out for a trip to the zoo. Hairy was allowed to join them for once, although Uncle Volcano had threatened 'Any funny business, any at all, and we'll never feed you again.'