A review, of sorts, of the book of Genesis.
To begin this world, I will create space and the planet. But this planet is without form, and void; and darkness is all over the water. So, I'll just move upon the face of it.. And I say, "Let there be light." And here it is. This is some pretty good light. Now, I'll just go ahead and split up the light and the dark, kinda like doing laundry or something. What should I call the light.. Oh, day! And the darkness is.. night!
So, this first half is morning, and the second half is evening, and we're done with the first.. what will I call it.. A day? But I already used that name.. whatever.
Now, I kinda want something to split the waters, so, like, there will be a sky and oceans and the like. How will that work? Well, I could always use a firmament.. So I'll just make this firmament, and some of the water goes above it, and some of it goes below it.. and now that is so. No one knows what a firmament is, do they? I'll just call it a Heaven, then. Here's another morning, and another evening.. that's it for Day 2.
And now I say, all of this water, you better go pool up somewhere, because I want some dry land: and it was so. I'll call this dry stuff Earth, and the gathering of the water will be called the Seas: and it was some good Earth and Seas.
And I say, let the earth bring forth grass, and herb, and weed.. and let fruit trees have fruits that are, like, fruits from their type of tree, because an apple tree having oranges must be gay or something.. in any case, orange-bearing apple trees are AN ABOMINATION!! ..And it's so. And the earth has some grass, and some herb, which yielded seed so that I could grow some more once I run out, and trees that only made fruit of their kind of tree, since interracial pollination is AN ABOMINATION!! (it sorta rhymes, so it's true.) And it's good. Really good. There goes evening and morning again.. Day 3 is over.
And I say, let there be stars and stuff in the Heaven, to divide night and day, since it isn't obvious enough already.. And I create the Gregorian Calendar, to measure signs, and seasons, and days, and months, and years, and seconds too. And let the stars shine down on the planet: and it was so.
There's going to be a big light and a little light. The big light will be called the Sun, and the little light will be called the Moon. Sun, you get to rule the day, and Moon, you get to rule the night.
"Why does the Sun get the day, hmm?" Moon asks.
Well, because you're a woman, Moon, and Sun's a guy, so he's automatically 1,000x better than you'll ever be at everything. That's why.
"..I hate you.." the Moon mumbles.
That's why you're freezing up in Heaven Night-Time. Moving on.. Oh, Day 4 is over.
Okay, now I want some sea animals. ..And some sky animals. So, I'll make some whales, and some other things, and.. Oh, whales can only have whale babies, and birds can only have bird babies. If a whale ever has a bird baby, than it's A HOMOSEXUAL ABOMINATION!! Now that we have that out of the way.. Wait, forgot to say that it was good: and it was good.
Be fruitful guys.
"Okay." Said the sea animals. And the sky animals.
And that was Day 5.
Kinda running out of time, so let's hurry this creation deal up. Day 6: cattle, creeping things, and beasts. Cattle have cattle babies, creeping things have creeping thing babies.. if not.. ABOMINATION!!
Now I'll create.. hmm, what else would be kinda cool..
I could make people, I guess. I'm starting to run out of ideas, so people will just look like me. Except for women people. I wear pants, so they can't, because pants are too cool for them.
So, I make the man and the super-inferior woman. And it was good. Except for woman: she's kind of a disappointment.
People, you guys have dominion over everything. Go ahead and take care of the place while I sleep for a day.