I stand there looking down on the petals of the rose. My coat glimmers as the light from above touches it softly. The scent of the rose is intoxicating, but the stench of my own guilt nauseates me to my stomach.
I slowly sit down on the bed. Hanging my head on my shoulders, My mind starts to swirl into the flower as I recall yet another memory.
"What're they gonna do to us, momma?" A child asks his mother as he fearfully clutches her hand.
"I don't know baby... Shhh, don't be scared, we'll be alright okay?" She reassures him as she pulls him into a tight hug.
"Momma, I'm scared..." He snuggles up to his mother as her face grow more and more weary.
I sit on the far right corner of a wooden carriage resting my elbow on my knee, facing right in front of them. Beams of light shoot down in between the bars on the small "window" above the carriage. Inside this wooden containment, a crowd of people sit in despair as they hide their faces behind their arms and wallow in helplessness. Others cry out in misery, others attempt to claw their way out; and others just sit there, giving up the struggle.
I was one of them. Devoid of all hope, I watch as the people groan and cry.
The carriage jumps up as one of its wheels hit a rock. An old woman is thrown in the middle. She struggles to get up, but her frail arms could barely lift her from her position. She struggles more and yet no one bats an eye. Their voices melt together in a song of despair, condensing and weighing heavily in the hearts of everyone.
As the wheels continue spinning, I could hear it roll through the rough ground, the galloping of horses accompanying it into a captivating chorus. Almost like a song. A song of mounting horror and anxiety. Not knowing what's ahead, I look over to the bars. I wonder if by the end of the day, I'm still alive. And if I am, would I be better off dead instead?
I cringe a little. with my hands shaking in rage, I tear off a petal from the rose.
-Clink- -EEEE...- -Thud-
Finally, the carriage stopped. I hear the men lift the lock from the outside. The outside light starts to seep in as they open the door for us. the smell of death and destruction fills my nose. i see the horror and aftermath of the war. Countless bodies lay on the dirty ground; Houses and buildings crushed into dust and debris, and innocent people being herded into several lines.
"ALRIGHT MOVE IT, RATS!" one of the men yelled as he gestures for us to move out of the carriage with his rifle.
Everyone seems to be confused and scared. They slowly move out taking small steps at a time.
"I SAID MOVE IT!" The man yells once more as he shoves an individual.
Suddenly, someone from the crowd raises his voice.
"HEY, YOU CAN'T TREAT MY FATHER LIKE THAT!" He yells as he lunges to the armed man.
He reaches him and attempts to land a hit. everyone watches as he tangles with the armed man.
"Shut up!" The armed man hits him on the face with the blunt end of his rifle.
He tumbles back, being too weak to even put up a fight in his state. That being said, he struggles to stand up once more. Just as he was about to, four men in uniform come running at him, beating him and making sure he's restrained.
"You dumbass son of a bitch..." The armed man aims his rifle at him. Everyone stands in silence, as they watch him in fear.
I shut my eyes tightly. I take the whole head of the rose and rip it right off the stem. Tears start to roll down my cheeks as I crush the clump of petals in my right hand. I can't control myself... My body is furious and shaking in pure rage. How could I sit here inside the palace of the very monsters that murdered the people I love? I could I even think of taking baths and admiring the work of the devils that made us suffer? How can I forget the pain and misery they caused us as they delivered death upon us?
How could I stand with the people that hurt my Terell... How could I be so shallow....
I let go of the petals. they drop to the smooth marble floor. My tears mark the petals as they fall on them like rain. I lean back a little onto the bed and cover my eyes with my arms. I mock myself in my mind as I sob away on my sleeves.
"You're just as bad as any of them..." I whispered to myself.
"You speak of misery, despair and hate, yet you allow yourself to indulge in their palace and be pampered like a king..."
"You sicken me..." I tell myself.
I bring my sleeves down and look up at the ceiling. As I breathe heavy, loathing my existence more and more, I grip the soft blanket beneath me.
I close my eyes. The image of Terell's smiling face appears in my mind.
No. I can never forgive them. Not even for a whole eternity.