They say insanity is when you do the exact same thing and expect a different result. Then am I insane? I am stuck in a lifeless dungeon with no hope of ever getting out yet I know in my heart that I will see him again... I will see my dear Terell again.
When I move my hand, and my palms touch the gravelly ground, I remember the rocky mountains where my house was. Though that diner was in such a remote place, people still came and ate at our humble shack. Sometimes sheeps will stray outside where it's grassy and me and Terell would run and scare them off until their shepherd chased us into the horizon. At night, you can clearly see the stars shining from above. Me and Terell would lay down under the dark sky and watch as they twinkle down on us.
"Hey, Raffy, do you know about constellations?" He asked as he layed beside me.
"Huh? yeah, I've heard quite a few about them.... It's about stars and images or something right?" I asked.
"Yep! a long time ago, people looked at the stars and made images out of them. Like Cassiopeia. They thought that bunch of stars looked like a pretty queen... Funny, huh?" He giggled in a way that makes you think of kittens or wolf cubs.
I remembered just staring at him. How he laughed and pointed in the stars made my heart swell. Such innocence, such purity....
My dream is once again shattered. I feel the cruel reality. I roll a piece of gravel between my fingers. These bits and pieces of memories are all I have to keep me through the hours that pass by this hell hole.
The gate to my cell door opens. A flash of light manages to creep in past my eyes. It's my
caretaker. He brings me food every so often on a metal tray. Though the food tastes nowhere as good as aunt Gertrude, I can endure and swallow it to pass hunger.
Footsteps echo in the darkness. As the sound grows closer and closer, A metal tray drops
to what sounded like the area in front of me. I don't bother looking at it anymore since even I do, it won't make a difference. I would still see pitch black darkness no matter where I look.
With his gruff voice, he says his usual line.
"Aight' kiddo, yer lunch is ready, eat up."
I scoot a little to adjust my body upright. With my hands, I carefully examine the rough ground. My cuff chains made ringing sounds with every inch I moved. Eventually, I reached the metal tray. It's cold feel is nothing new to me anymore.
With a weak voice, I told him:
"I found it. What garbage did you serve me this time?"
He laughs a little. As he moves his feet slightly, gravels in the ground made crunching sounds.
"Ya know, same old, same old. You should know it by now kiddo, the menu for prison rats like you don't change, heh. Anyways, enjoy yer meal sport."
With that, he begins walking. his footsteps grows quieter as he treads farther and farther from me. Eventually, the footsteps turn to silence, and my cell gate doors open as he exists the cavern. A small flash of light dropped by to greet me and then quickly vanishes into the void. It's like holding a piece of candy in front of a child and then yanking it away as soon as he reaches for it. It is cruel, yet it's the only form of kindness I can look forward in to remind me that I am still among the living. I dread the day when that light grows tired and unwilling to shed a shred of hope on me.
I take a bite out of the food that was given to me. It tastes like stale bread. I struggle to chew on the horrific taste of it. I must stay alive. I must eat to survive and stay alive. If I do, maybe someday I might see my dear Terell again. Though that looks higly unlikely right now, I won't give up. As long as I can remember his face... As long as I still have memories of him.... As long as I can still see that light... I will never give up. I know deep in my soul that we will meet again.
I pop open the lid from the small container of water. Drinking the water makes the stale bread settle better.
After finishing up my meal, I set the cup of water down and I try to imagine my happy days again. I closed my eyes and an image of the forest behind our home appears. I remember seeing Terell run into the woods, and me chasing him worrying that some kind of bear or wild animal would tear his body apart. He crouches down on the bushes. I quietly observe him.
He seemed to be laughing as he moved his hands about in the grass. I couldn't make out what he was laughing at, but as I inched closer, his hazel eyes turned to me. With a cheerful smile, he gestured for me to get closer. I slowly crept in, not knowing what is behind the leaves for me.
It was a small squirrel. Terell gently feeds him some acorns he had gathered around the woods. He whispered to me in a soft voice.
"This is Damien..." He whispers as the squirrel took an acorn from his palm.
"I found him in the kitchen. It looked like he was trapped in the house for quite some time... When I found him, he was very weak."
I stared at the little creature as it chewed on the nut. What I would give to be handfed food by an angel like Terell.
"Ah I see.... Why not keep him in the house then...?" I asked him with a low voice.
"Because... If i did, he wouldn't be happy. I think even animals should be free. Don't you think so too, Raffy?" He asked.
He was right... even animals should be free... I silently watched the small creature happily chew. I thought: "I want to be free.... You believe that even animals should be free; I want to be free to tell you how much I love you as well Terell..."
But I couldn't say that.... I just couldn't... I treasured him too much to drive him away with my foolish emotions.
My daydreaming ended. I am once more embraced by the cruel darkness. I have no way of telling time or telling how many days or even years passed. For all I know I could have stayed here for a good eternity, and an eternity more to go.
Somehow.... I feel like I'm losing the will to live... Sometimes I find myself thinking:
"Would it be better if I was dead instead?"
Maybe. But then I thought:
"If I did, then that means losing the hope of finally seeing my beloved one again."
So i continue to live this wretched life. The life of a man that hopes to see the sun where it does not exist. The life of a man that seeks lost love once more...
I risked too much to let him go. I cannot give up now.