Chapter 9- Pain (Edwards P.O.V)

9- Pain

Edward Cullen.

 

I sat the lingering on the sofa, watching Alice and Jasper with intense eyes for what seemed a long time. I wanted to go up and see Bella, but I knew she needed time with Jacob. Alone. But it killed me more every second, looking up at the large clock on the wall, the seconds going by...

10 minutes...

30 minutes...

1 hour...

Be patient I told myself. You get forever to stay with her. I was right, I did.

Trying to overcome the boredom, I decided to listen to people’s thoughts. I concentrated on Alice’s at first. She and Jasper were looking into each others' eyes thoughtfully.

He is truly wonderful. Look at him. I can tell him anything, anytime, anyplace. We are made for each other.

She was right. I couldn’t see Alice, or Jasper with anyone else, it just wouldn’t be right.

It’s like Edward and Bella. But their relationship was a more powerful pull when they first met. As dangerous as it was they pulled through...

Oh, hey Edward. I think you’re listening, are you?

I lightly nodded my head as she secretly turned so she could see me.

Well, how is Jasper?

I shrugged

I guess you will listen now then?

I nodded.  I focused into Jaspers mind.

I wonder what Jacob is doing... hopefully not ripping her head off... if he is, well I’m helping. Edward won’t get all the fun... I sound so like Emmett for once! Ha. Well, I wonder what Alice has been seeing, but she won’t see Bella because she is with him, Sigh. What do I sound like?

What’s he thinking? Alice thought.

I rolled my eyes as a signal of nothing special and she nodded.

Thanks. She said

“Jasper, let’s go outside” She smiled at him, and they left.

I sat there alone and then focused on the minds again. I found Emmett’s instantly.

I do hope that dog has a thrash at Bella, she’s tough alright. And I want a go if he damages her, Edward won’t get all the glory...

I could imagine him grinning and I grimaced, not at his grin but because everyone seemed so focused on Bella and Jacob. Bella getting hurt. But I knew that would never happen, definitely not up to the state of death. Jacob couldn’t do that. He wouldn’t do that.

I focused on Rosalie next

Is my hair alright? Oh, what about my lips? Are they still glossy? I might change my shoes... they are a little two weeks ago look... maybe not. I don’t think anyone will notice anyway. They would notice Bella though. Ugh. Why am I being jealous? Why would I be jealous of her now? I have everything she has. I have more than her. I could even get Renesmee if I tried...

What’s wrong with me? Edward is probably listening to that. I must shut up. I wonder what he is doing. Who cares? Renesmee is with Esme. Not fair, well I have had her a lot. But still. I want her. Too badly. Probably more than Bella, she doesn’t deserve her. Leaving her with a dog. Ha, they are so dangerous! Well, nothing will happen to Nessie as long as I’m around... not in my dead ashes...

I got very bored of Rosalie’s mind, her constant complaints. Her mind was so vain, so selfish, I seriously didn’t see why Emmett loves her, okay, and she is pretty. But nowhere as beautiful as Bella. I don’t think anyone could love anyone as much as I love her.

I sighed and went up to my room, what else did I have to do on this fading day? The sun departing more by the second, along with the blue sky and the grey clouds.  I swiftly went over to the stereo and put on some classics. Humming to the tune was a good way to pass the time which for once didn’t seem to go fast enough.

I just plainly wanted Bella home again. To see her pale, perfect face again. For her to be within arm’s reach, to be able to touch her face...

I didn’t want her to come home; I needed her to come home. There was no perfect explanation to how I felt at this very moment. As each second passed, the need for her grew stronger, like a pain in the gut. Like the fear of death, knowing that death is right in front of you, squeezing your eyes shut, waiting for the threatening pain to hit you with one blow.

The intensity was mind- boggling. Last time I left Bella, it was so much easier, as hard as it was. It’s so much harder this time because I know that I could go and get her right now, to protect her from the world, but when I was away it was mere impossible. But the pain kept hitting me, sharper and sharper, like the fire burning in my throat at Bella’s human scent that was no longer there. I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for the pain to fade, waiting for that moment where I would hear one movement, one voice. The most important voice of my existence.

I would do anything to see her right now, but I had to fight against this pain. I had plans to make, well, Alice certainly did. In two weeks it would be the grand anniversary party, it would have to be an extremely memorable event, and with Alice in charge that was extremely possible, and extremely easy.

I suddenly heard a door shut a tiny squeak. But to my disappointment it was Alice and Jasper. I sighed, flopping onto the bed, burying my face into the feather pillow.

This party is going to be amazing... I was thinking of those flowers in the field which Bella likes, I need to do some research, that’s my night planned out. And then I can reuse those twinkle lights and in Fermé D’l’or I smelt some wonderful spray... that would be lovely. And then for music... I could do a good mix. We have the blood and the lights are upstairs... there is more I need to do but not just yet... I need to buy an outfit! Bella can help me tomorrow. Where should we go? Paris? That should be nice. I know that wonderful little shop by Breuer. They had a little cream dress in there with sapphires... ooh. I feel like a shopping trip now.

Alice continued with her party plans and I got bored. Her mind was interesting but when she thought girly there wasn’t really anything to entertain me.

Suddenly, the door closed and I heard Bella’s breathing. I followed my instincts as I flew down the stairs to greet her. She was standing there with her hands out in front of her, her face was lifeless.

“Bella?” I asked anxiously. This wasn’t like her, this wasn’t right...

She didn’t respond, she just continued to stand there- motionless and cold. She looked like she had been tortured. I walked up to her and tilted her head so I could see her face. “Bella, what’s wrong? Tell me”

“It’s...” She whispered

“Bella, love?”

“It’s Ch... Charlie.” She looked up at me that instant, her face fragile and brittle.

“What’s happened?” I asked quickly, I was extremely worried now, what the possibilities... how it would crush her...

“He’s very... ill. He is ill Edward, and I can’t do anything to help him. He looks terrible. I don’t know what to do... my dad, crumpled on the sofa, his eyes grey as a cloud, his face as pale as moonlight... crumpled there, laying there only twitching and coughing...” Her cry was tearless, and I cradled her.

“It’s okay Bella. Charlie is going to be fine. Don’t worry, love.”

“But it’s not Edward! One look at him and you know the direction it’s going... this thing is taking him... It’s killing him Edward! He is going to die, I can tell! And I am going to lose my father, all those memories... my father...” She shuddered and sat down on the chair, her head on the table. I sat next to her, watching her and listening to her broken sobs.

“Bella, there are ways...”                                                                        

“No, Edward! He can’t be one of us... no! No, no, no!” She hit my chest and held herself to me as she sobbed louder. I held her to me and kissed her forehead.

“He isn’t going to die”

“He is! And there is nothing... completely nothing I can do! It’s killing me Edward.” She was so selfless, and that trait would just hurt her so much in the end.

“Bella! It’s okay... calm down. I will get Carlisle to him tomorrow. Everything is going to be okay.”

Bella said nothing; she just stayed in my arms, her arms locked around me like I was a prisoner. I had never seen anything like it before. It really was killing her. I couldn’t let this happen... all the pain she would have to go through... maybe she would never recover from this fall if it occurs.

Since I had last seen her, she looked completely different. Her eyes were solid; her skin was fragile and grey, ill-looking. She felt fragile as she clung to me like a magnet, even though it had only been a few hours, it felt like a century to me.

Now, I just wished she would look up to me, to just give me a sign. Right now, I wasn’t sure how she was feeling or anything at all. I pulled her chin. Her lips were blue, her lids were black instead of a pale purple. There was a crease between her brows; I wanted to straighten them out and for her to just smile, to just try to. That would just make the storm outside turn into a summer’s day. That smile I adored with those wide eyes flashing at me like the first time I realised I loved her. Right now she looked like she could crumple to the floor and disappear. I wouldn’t let that happen.

Alice was beside me at that moment, knowing I wanted her to comfort Bella while I went to talk to Carlisle. Her usual bouncy smile was not there anymore, a quiet grimace in its place. Her eyes looked dry, as if Bella’s sadness had spread in that short time. She placed her hand on my shoulder and I looked up at her.

“Alice, could you stay with Bella while I talk to Carlisle?” I asked her. My words came out slower and lower than usual, slightly wobbly.

“Of course” She said, no smile awakening her perished expression. I stood up slowly, looking into Bella’s painful eyes. I looked away and up the stairs. I stepped at human pace, looking down the corridor to Carlisle's office. I gradually opened the door and Carlisle was in his chair, looking in my direction

“Edward” He greeted me

“Carlisle” I said in a lifeless tone.

“What’s wrong?” He asked cautiously

“It’s Charlie, he is very ill and Bella is... tormented. Please help me Carlisle, please. I can’t let this to happen, I can’t see it happen to her... there has to be a way...”

I was gasping at the end of the sentence. Not because I couldn’t breathe, but I was so anxious, terrified. Why did this have to happen? Of course, it would happen someday but he was still quite young. To see the damage it would leave on Bella would be... intoxicating. So damaging she might break. It hurt her when she thought she would have to leave him, but knowing there would be nothing to go back to just makes it even worse.

“Son, do not worry. There is time. If we act soon, there will be hope. And if it equals out in the end... there is always one last option...”

“Bella doesn’t want to do that to him. She doesn’t want him to not have a choice.”

“Well, maybe he can.” Carlisle commented.

“You are planning to tell him? How do you think he will react?”

“Well, I can’t be certain. But it’s better than transforming him and then Charlie begging to be killed”

“You have a point, but still...” I mused.

“Well, if we can sort him out first there may be no need to ask him. When Bella has calmed down, talk to her.” His eyes gave me a source of hope.

“Thankyou” I said as I turned for the door and shut it behind me. I still felt bad but a bit better... there really was hope. And my Bella would be okay.

I hope.

I made my way to the living room where Bella sat, head in hands, Alice at her side. When I entered only Alice looked up. Bella still sat motionless, hiding her face.

What did Carlisle say? Alice thought, looking at me with intense and curious golden eyes.

“Tell you later” I murmured. Bella continued to sit like a stone carving. I felt so sorry for her, her father who had cared for her for the past few years. She had cared for him too, he had loved her so... and she didn’t know how much. Only I did.

Alice stood up after patting Bella’s hard but soft shoulder and glanced at me before she strode out of the room. She seemed so lifeless too. Charlie’s illness had created a black hole, which had sucked everyone’s life out of them, turning them into zombies, their state of mind flat and comatose. Everyone was dismal. Including me.

I slowly and cautiously sat next to Bella. I didn’t know how to start.

“Bella?” She stayed in her dead position. “Bella, please tell me if you are ok” I pleaded. He head came up slowly and she looked at me. Her face was still tormented, but her eyes were different. Yes, they were curious and terrified, but mainly her eyes were almost amber. A beautiful colour which complimented her face amazingly well. I stopped there and focused on the present.

“I am... ok.” She sighed. Her voice wasn’t singing anymore, it was dry and full of despair.

“Bella, listen to me,” I cupped her face in my hands. She blinked and looked at me in the eyes “Carlisle will see Charlie tomorrow. He will sort it out. And if the worst happens... well we will let Charlie have the choice” I gulped.

“You are going to tell him?!” she shrieked, her eyes wide. I regretted saying anything then.

“Bella, what choice do we have? We may not have to tell him. It’s better than... doing the wrong decision. It will be what he wants”

“Edward, can’t you see? He will hate me. He will run away in horror. Terrified of his own daughter!”She moaned in her shallow voice.

“Bella, we have to do this. Let’s see what happens tomorrow. If he... if we have to make the decision, well, we will get your permission.” Bella was still full of mixed emotions and I begged for Jasper to come in. 

“Okay” She said sadly as she held herself to me again. “Where is Nessie?” she asked.

“Esme” She sniffed and loosened up in my arms

“How did you find out about it?”

“We went to Jacob’s house, Billy got a phone call. I rushed over there with Jacob, it was painful to see him like that.”

“I am so sorry, Bella.”

“Why are you saying sorry? It is my fault, you know.”

“Don’t you dare blame this on yourself. You have done everything you could possibly do. Just calm down, everything will be ok and we will be fine” I whispered as I stroked her forehead.

She wasn’t calm but her eyes closed and she went back into one of those states. To be honest, I was getting used to them now. But I feared this time it wasn’t going to be such a good dream...

She lay in my arms motionless for a long time but then suddenly her arms twitched.

“No. Oh. No!” She mumbled. She continued to twitch, I held her as tight as I could but she was hard to keep hold of.

“Please don’t leave, no. Please. I need you.” She continued “Dad! No! Help me... he is... no! No. No. No! Don’t leave me dad!”

I was wary now. It got worse. She let out a whimper

“Dad... no... Please... Edward... he is ....” She was writhing in my arms.

She screeched then, a disturbing scream that you hear in horror movies. Still in her state she grasped onto the collar of my shirt.

“Edward, I’m falling...” She sighed. She yelled again.

“Bella? Bella, love, are you ok? Bella, can you hear me? Bella? Bella!” I yelled. This was horrid to watch her suffering.

“I’m falling Edward, I’m falling. I’m losing you... Edward? Edward!” She shrieked another ear-piercing scream. I wish her dream wasn’t ulterior, so I could help her.

I shook her vigorously, wanting her to return to me. “Bella?” She shrieked again and gasped, her eyes flittering open.

“Bella!” I cried, pulling her close to me.

“That was so... real” She gasped for unnecessary air.

“Don’t worry, love. You are safe now.” I was safe too.

We spent the night sitting on the sofa. She was incredibly quiet, I just wished I could see that smile again. I wanted Bella back.

The sun was rising and Carlisle walked in.

“Bella, I am going to Charlie’s. Do you want to come?” He asked. She nodded.

“I'm coming” I said in a strong tone. We followed Carlisle to his car. Bella slipped into the back and I sat beside her. She looked at me expressionless, I knew she wanted to smile but she couldn’t. Carlisle took a cautious look into the mirror to check on Bella and then started the car. He reversed effortlessly and we were then gliding along the windy road.

A minute later, we were at the house. It was eight in the morning, I could hear Charlie’s shallow breaths from inside the house, and sue bumbling around in the kitchen. We all whizzed to the front door, it was open. Carlisle had his bag in his hand. I held Bella’s hand and squeezed it to reassure her. It didn’t do any good. Her glum face held its place on her beautiful features.

As our kind was related to the moon, cold and frozen, I always thought of Bella as a sun, happy and golden as immortal as she was. But to see her like this- she was a frozen sun. It was frozen as stone, but not permanent. But at this moment nothing was strong enough to break the stone so that her well-being could shine again. But maybe, this stone could set and become permanent. If it was too late.

But if Charlie did make the decision to die, would she be happy, would the stone crack? Or would it set as she mourned over her father’s dead body? As selfless as Bella was, I would believe she would let him go, if that’s what he would want. Just like with me. But she would never be fully happy again. Not for a while, just like with me.

Just like with me.

I shuddered from the appalling memories, the throbbing memories in the back of my wide, happy mind. I wish my touch was strong enough to break that thick layer of stone which covered Bella. I missed Bella. This wasn’t Bella.

The End

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