From Inside the CarMature

            Frankie has been sitting in the car waiting on Vinie for almost fifteen minutes.  He knew how long it had been because the song Third Eye played completely through and the album had started back over on Stinkfist.  “What the hell is taking that cockknocker so long?!  All he has to do is get a saltshaker for Christ sake!”  He begins to sing along with the song, ‘Something has to change. Undeniable dilemma. Boredom's not a burden anyone should bear.’ “Tell me about it” Frankie replies to the lyrics.  His wait is not much longer till he sees Vinie emerge from the diner in which he had been.  Vinie is moving pretty quickly, and once he reaches the 89 Chrysler Fifth Avenue, he pulls a ‘Dukes of Hazard’ across the car hood.

            “Get a fucking move on, beotch.  I got it!” Vinie says as he enters the car.

            “What took you so fuckin long?!  Did the Hoopla gag work?”

“No.  I almost got kicked out because of it.  So guess what I did use?!...  The old ‘Hey look over there!’ gag and they fell for it.  So I grabbed the salt and ran.  And, sorry for taking so long, I had to take a shit.”

“Don’t you mean you had to leave a shit?”

“No, I mean I took one.  But it took me almost fifteen minutes to find gloves.  And then I needed a jar… Just shut the fuck up and drive.  And turn that shit up!  I love this part… I wish I could tell what all he is saying though.” 

The song blares loudly ‘Something kinda sad about the way that things have come to be. Desensitized to everything. What became of subtlety? How can it mean anything to me if I really don't feel anything at all?’ The two of them are quiet till the rest of the song finishes. 

They continue to cruise around in the 1989 Chrysler Fifth Ave. The car is a hand-me-down and is starting to reach past its prime, but it will persevere for good while longer as long as good care is taken of it.  After a little silence to listen to the next song Vinie starts up again, “Well the first football game of the season is coming up.”

“Yeah…so. You know I don’t give a fuck about football.”

“I know.  So let me tell you what I have been thinking.  Why don’t we set a bomb off at the game!”

“What the fuck, Dude?!  I don’t know about that.”

“Come on… Why not!  You just said you don’t like football.  And I know why. You are sick of the attention it gets, while more important things are being overlooked.  Well, we may not be able to stop that nonsense, but we can at least stir things up pretty good.  And to ease your mind, I am not planning on getting anyone hurt, just scaring them.”

“Well maybe…” Frankie says very hesitantly.  “What are you planning on making a bomb out of?” 

“Sodium and water bomb.”

“That would be fuckin awesome, but where do you plan on getting the materials?”

“Chem. Lab.  I figure we can steal them from Big J. (a.k.a. Mr. Jackson, the Chemistry professor).  We will just go hang out with his daughter and then we just have to figure out where he keeps the keys.  And F.Y.I., Tony has already agreed to be in on it.  What do you say?”

“I have my reservations about it, but I will go along with it for now.” Frankie says feeling concern that he does not well enough understand what he is getting into.

“Good.  Then let’s head to Big J’s to get started.  We’ve got a fucking key to find!”  Vinie suggests as he turns the music back up.

The stereo blares loudly again, ‘I am too connected to you to slip away, to fade away. Days away I still feel you touching me, changing me, and considerately killing me.’  And at that, Frankie heads the sterling blue-grey tank in toward their teacher’s house. 

An hour or so later the two get back into the car.  “That was easier than I expected.”  Frankie says.

“Dude, I told you not to worry about any of this it will all be fine.  Hey, could drop me off at my place I have to meet my family for dinner.  My uncle is in town right now.”

“Sure not problem.”

“Hey, call Tony and tell him we got the key, and see if he is free tonight.  If so, you two should go ahead and get the hardest part over.” Vinie insists to Frankie.

“Alright.  I’ll call him and see.”  Frankie says with still a slight since of concern.


Later that evening Frankie picks up Tony at his house. “Did you hear that Vinie and I pulled the Hoopla gag today?” Frankie inquires.

“I don’t even know what that is.”

“Dude, it is from Kids in the Hall.”

“Nope still doesn’t ring a bell.”

“‘I smell Hoopla.’ You know.  And then he takes the salt.” Frankie explains while Tony just looks on blankly.  “Shit I can’t believe you don’t remember that.  I could have sworn we watched that together before.”

“Maybe, but I am not sure.  Hey, do you think that Micky-Ds would be open right now?” asks Tony.  “I could go for a McRib before the shenanigans.”

“I know one way to find out.” answers Frankie.  Frankie eventually pulls into McDonalds and as they approach the ordering intercom they see a car already there so they pull behind it and wait.  A couple of minutes go by and Frankie and Tony begin to discuss the thought of the McDs not being open. They finally decide to ask the people in the car ahead of them. 

Frankie rolls down his window and hangs his head out.  He sees a man in the car in front of him, and that man is leaning out staring at the intercom.  Frankie yells to him, “Are they open?”

The man mumbles something incoherent, but Frankie can clearly understand the last thing man says… “Fuck’em.”

“What?” Frankie replies, feeling a little surprised at the response he recieved.

“Fuck’em.” the man says again.

“Yeah, Fuck’em.” Frankie answers not knowing what else to say.  And then sits back into the car.

“What did that guy just say?” asks Tony.

“He said ‘Fuck’em.  I guess he means they are closed.”

“That’s funny.  Oh well, Fuck’em.  Let’s get out of here. We have business to attend to.  TO THE SCHOOL!” Tony says dramatically, and they drive off. Soon they pull up to the school, get out of the car, and go to sneak inside the building.  A little while later they return with a large load in a back pack.  


“Well, that was easier than I thought it would be too.”  Frankie says. “Maybe Vinie is right, and this whole thing will be pretty easy.”

“Well, don’t complain about that.”

“No, of course not, I was just saying… Damn.  I got all worked up and nervous for what seems like nothing.  But that is no fucking complaint. I promise.”

“Hey, do you want hear what we did the other day at the grocery store? It’s fucking hilarious!” Tony asks.


“Well, we got to looking at the lobsters all cramped up in that tank and all, and we purchased one so we could get it out.  Then we took it and let it go in the produce.”

“Why the produce section?” Frankie asks genuinely confused.

“To release it back into the wild… or at least a somewhat natural environment.”

“That is fucking crazy man.”  Frankie says as Tony exits the Chrysler.  “See you tomorrow at school.”


In the wee-hours of the morning, still before the sun has come up, a figure approaches the Chrysler as it is parked in Frankie’s car port.  The door opens and the figure reaches for the bag that held the prize that Frankie and Tony had so recently acquired at the school.


The next morning Frankie headed out in his car to pick up Vinie and go to school.  Vinie gets into the car, and as Frankie heads out towards the school he starts up “DUDE! Tony and I did it last night!”

“What?! You  two had sex together?!”

“Shut the fuck up!” Frankie says as Vinie bursts out laughing.

“So you got the fucking shit!”

“Hell yeah, we got it!  It was so fucking easy!”

“Speaking of that… Let’s listen to Guns N’ Roses.”  Vinie says and reaches for the CD booklet.

“Dude you have to see this.” Frankie says. And, while Vinie searches for Appetite for Destruction, Frankie reaches into the back to get the bag that holds his booty from the last night.  As he opens the bag to pull out its contents, he is startled and shouts, “WHAT THE FUCK?!!!” as he surprisingly finds a lobster waiting for him. 

The End

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