Monday 19th April
Where has my diary gone? I'm writing this in a notepad, but it's not the same as writing it in the book which holds such sentimental value for me. I checked under the pillow and under my bed but it was nowhere to be found.
I told Jack and he said it was sure to turn up sometime, but I'd really like it now. It could've cleared up some of the confusion in my mind. The last totally clear day in my memory was the day before Jack's birthday. What happened that day? I even have a sneaky feeling that it's related to yesterday as well.
Ross was colder than ever today. Maybe it was to make up for that strange temporary lapse in his frostiness yesterday.
One more thing. I feel strangely ... incomplete. Not whole... Like part of me is missing. It's sort of like a dull ache in my heart, hidden underneath my love for Jack. I don't understand. My love for Jack should go straight down to the bottom because he's the only guy I've ever loved.
Saturday 24th April
The pain is getting worse. I find I have to totally occupy myself to not feel it. School is massively helpful. The pain never really goes away, though. Why does it feel like there's a hole in my heart?
Sunday 1st August
The pain's been ruining my holidays! I'm now spending every second I can with Jack. I've told him what's wrong and he's been incredibly helpful in taking me out loads of places, but when I get home, the pain just returns. It is the most annoying thing I've ever felt in my life.
Friday 10th September
Yesterday was Ross's birthday. The pain was so crippling I blacked out. I had no strength at all as Jack carried me home looking anxious and concerned. Why was the pain worse? Why did the gaping hole in my heart feel bigger? I couldn't even concentrate on Jack properly. Something big is up.
Sunday 21st November
Today's my birthday. I refuse to be gotten down during such a happy occasion.
I put down the pen and knew my expression was one of grim determination. I walked resolutely to my wardrobe and pulled out the dress I was wearing today and gave the reflection in the full length mirror a stern look. The omnipresent pain in my chest reached my eyes though. There was immeasurable sadness in those dark green depths. I brushed out my long black hair and briefly considered how I looked like my mum in terms of hair colour but like my dad where eye colour was concerned. It was nice to feel like the link in their relationship.
I felt more mature, though I was only turning 17. Aside from thinking about the occasional pangs and emptiness located where my heart was, I'd been telling myself that today would be the day to grow up a bit. I wasn't going to make silly teasing comments about Ross and I was going to have a good year of sensible behaviour. I was in Sixth Form now. This was my chance to show the world that Rosa Foxtail was becoming the young woman who knew exactly where her life was heading. I was going to learn to drive during the Christmas holidays, and I felt I should be used to being responsible by then. I also knew that Jack and my parents would be proud of my resolution.
I put on my long, verdant satin dress, walked downstairs and prepared to embrace the future.
Downstairs, there were balloons everywhere and the three people I'd invited were sitting on the couch, chatting amiably. Jack gave me a wide smile as he saw me, Ross glanced up and looked back at my friend Amy who he was talking to and when Amy looked towards me, she looked awed.
"You look stunning!" she said, half-whispering with hushed respect.
Jack stood up and came over to hug me. "You're always gorgeous," he murmured into my ear.
At the restaurant, I sat next to Jack and was opposite Amy who was beside a very bored looking Ross. He still looked my age, even though he was 19 (or so he said) and I half-wondered if he'd deliberately slowed his ageing to look my age so he'd never have to be more mature and stop annoying me. But that, of course, was impossible and today was the day where I was going to start being considerably more level-headed.
The meal was delicious and everyone (except Ross of course) was happy. For presents, I got a beautiful necklace from Jack; a bracelet in my favourite colour (sky blue) from Amy and, to my surprise; a green crystal which sparkled in the light (apparently beryl) from my parents. (Jack was particularly bemused by this because he'd had the impression they weren't going to give me one until I was 18 for some strange reason.) Ross gave me a card and a small box of chocolates which I accepted graciously.
We ate the cake at my house and Amy was picked up. I thanked her for coming and adding to the specialness of the day and told her I looked forward to seeing her at school in two days' time.
After Amy had left, Ross asked me if we could talk privately somewhere. I was mystified but I followed him to the conservatory.