Former school district worker accused of using school computers to seek space aliens

In a glaring case of "of course he did," a former district official is ludicrously being charged with using school computers to search for alien life on other planets.

This case is so asinine that even the school whose computers were used are trying to have the charges dropped.

"It's like the court wants aliens to invade us," the schools principal said in a press release issued by the school. "I, for one, do not agree with their stance and strongly encourage all people who do not want to be eaten alive by aliens to come forward and protest this gross injustice."

The students are likewise upset that the official is undergoing the investigation.

"He seemed like a really nice man," one 14-year-old girl who took up the mantle of alien searcher for the school. "He'd sit at this very computer and Google thousand of different search terms looking for signs of aliens. A few time she yelled 'Eureka!' very loud and I came over to see what was happening, but he shut off the images really fast. Some aliens look like naked girls."

Anyway, the police aren't interested in anything he might have been looking at other than the already mentioned alien search.

"Why would a grown man need to search for aliens on a school computer when he's supposed to be there making sure children are learning things?" the court asks in it's formal complaint.

"School official should be more concerned with the condition of textbooks and the knowledge of the teachers and less concerned with whether or not aliens prefer to suck people's blood or scalp them and wear their faces in public," the judge went on to explain. "If these school official were expected to monitor alien life, we'd be unjustly putting thousands of men with thick glasses and unkempt beards out of a job. Not to mention the affect them losing their jobs would have on the novelty t-shirt industry."

The well-presented effect on the economy argument notwithstanding, the case against the official has no legs.

"I don't expect much trouble to come of this," the accused said in yet another statement released via the press release. "In the meantime, I'll continue to monitor alien life from my personal computer no matter how badly I don't want the aliens to know who I am. I have a feeling they're getting ready to pounce from their home in the sky or peel off their scalped faces and attack from right here on earth."

While the trial is scheduled to begin early next month, very few people outside of the legal community expect it to reach a judge.

"He'll be back monitoring alien behaviours in no time," said a man who was standing outside a grocery store when briefed on the details of the case.

A different opinion is resounding through the legal community.

"He's screwed," said a lawyer with a bit more knowledge of the details.

The End

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