"Don't let go. I've wanted this far too long. Mistakes become regrets. I've learned to love abuse. Show me what I'm looking for..."
I tormented myself with reminders of your hateful actions everyday, every moment of my life. You consumed me. Your hold on me was frightening, but I was never letting go. And sometimes I even felt like there was no possible way to repair what happened. Sometimes I felt like I'd be scarred forever, I'd be in pain forever; my memories of you will last forever.
And they will.
Images of you coming at me with a fist, a backhand, a kick plague my mind. Images of me trying to get away, and failing disrupt my thoughts. I'd crawl on all fours to avoid you. I'd do anything it took to escape you when you were intoxicated and enraged.
And I'd be hoping you wouldn't see. Hoping you were too dazed to grasp the situation. I was hoping your vision would be so disorientated, so blurry, you'd even be seeing two of me. And swing and a miss: you'd aim for the wrong one. Hit and hurt the wrong one. Imaginary me, shadow me. But that never happened; you always found me - the real me. And hurt me...
And I remember escaping after you pounded more terrible memories into my mind. I'd lock the door to the bathroom, knowing sooner or later you'd pass out or become uninterested. And I'd sit in the darkness of your cold tile-floored bathroom. I was Humpty Dumpty. And I was alone. And I put myself back together again. I'd sit there and nurse my wounds with salty tears and hugging arms that were only mine.
I really did love you, once. But things change, people change. And I've come to realize that change is for the better, no matter how painful it may be.
"Save me, I'm lost. Oh lord, I've been waiting for you. I'll pay any cost, just save me from being confused. Show me what I'm looking for..."