I was comforted by the familiarity of the scene that greeted me as I made my way onto the field we ate on in summer. Stares followed me as I walked up to everyone smiling brightly, they would never know how much I put into that smile.
Heidi got up before I reached them and smiled weakly.
"Can I talk to you, Alli?" She was already walking over to the english block so I dumped my stuff down and followed ehr.
"Are you alright?" We both asked at the same time and laughed feebly.
"You first." I insisted.
"I'm fine. What about you?"
"Same old, same old."
Sighing, she say down, "I don't know what that means anymore."
"I have a headache and I feel sick but otherwise I'm still Alli. Heidi, I'm not going to change, I'm always going to be me."
"But one day you'l be dead."
I flinched, "Heidi, I never meant to hurt you."
"It's not like you could have helped it."
I sighed, I was going to have to tell her, "Heidi, I can't tell you everything, and you have to believe me about this. Say you will."
"What if I gave myself this tumor? What would you say?" I just desperately wanted someone to tell me that they understood.
"I'd say that's impossible."
"What if I'm not lying?"
"Why would you do that? Why would you choose to kill yourself?"
"And what if I did it for all the right reasons?"
"Like what? Doesn't seem like a very good idea to me." She pointed out.
"I can't tell you. You'll work it out, you know really. It'll just take some time."
"But why do you have to leave us?" She began to try and I wrapped my arm round her small shoulders, wishing there was more I could do. This was going to be much, much harder than i first thought.
"Just trust me, Heidi. Please. It's not that I wanted to die or that I want to leave you, believe me that is the last thing I want. If it were up to me I would do what I'm doing and still survive. But I can't. I'm going to try a couple of bouts of chemo, but I will still die. But until I am unable to move, I will play football, as usual, I will go to school as usual and I will be Alli. Nothing will take that away from you because you won't forget me."
"No, I won't." She sniffed bravely, "How long?"
"Three months, maybe less."
"So little time?"
"I've had it for about a year and just didn't realise. The hardest part is trying to fit it all in. I want to do as many things I can that most people would do in a lifetime, but I haven't finished with being a kid. It's such a tough choice."
"Are you making a list?" Fiercely she wiped her eyes on her jumper sleeve.
"Ha! No. All I want is to play football and be with you lot. It would be a pretty short list."
"I'm sorry about this," She gestured to her face, "It was just a very big shock. But you, you seemed to know it was coming."
"The worst bit definately was telling you lot." Cleverly, I avoided the accusation, "And I'm sorry I made you cry. You'll cry even more when you realise why I did it."
"I hope not."