"Then I don't really want any treatment. If I'm definately going to die, then I don't see the point in making my last few months worse than I am now. But, since I made a promise to someone, I will have one trial at chemotherapy." I frowned.
"Are you sure? A full course could relieve most of the symptoms."
"I don't want to be ill."
"Alli, please-" Mum began
"No, mum. This is my death. If I want to go naturally, let me go." I turned back to the doctor, "I want to die at home."
Solemnly, he nodded, "Most do."
"How long do I have left?" I steeled myself for the blow I was expecting.
"Three months, with chemo."
My jaw dropped open. I had been expecting at least six months, I didn't think it was that bad.
"Three months?" I echoed.
"Oh, Alli!" Mum threw her arms around me but I tried to pull away, the only one who could comfort me was Heidi, and she wasn't there.
Walking past the children outside, I felt a pang of pity. If only there was some way for me to die for all of them, so they could see life and live it. But I was not Jesus, I could not die to save everyone.
Cramped in the lift with the old and sick, we plummeted to the ground floor in silence. Closed off from the world in that claustrophobic metal room, I felt like nothing more could attack me. But I so badly wanted Heidi.
"Mum, can I make it back to school?" I asked hopefully on our way to the car.
"I should think so, you'll be back for lunch at least."
Mum had never understood my obsession with school and my friends. She didn't know that they meant more to me that I could say, no one knew that.