The next letter I put off until last, knowing it would be by far the hardest and that I would cry. I didn't think it was possible for mere words to explain how I felt towards my dearest friend who I loved and could never leave. Only now I had no choice.
I don't know what to write, for it is impossible for me to describe just how much you mean to me. It is a strange thought thinking that once you read this, I will be dead.
I know there are things I cannot do; for example, I cannot fly, breathe underwater or ace a maths test. But there are things I am good at, swimming and football and making new friends. You are case and point of the last. You, my dear Heidi, are the best friend that I have ever had. Every day I have spent in your company has been like years, and now I am glad because of all those treasured memories. If it were you dying, I would do anything to swap places with you. The very thought of you ill or in pain fills me with this... compulsion that makes me want to take the pain from you. And I do not regret it.
I know I run the risk of freaking you out here, but you need to know just how much you will always mean to me. I have always known that if you committed suicide, I would have to follow you in death because, to me, a life without you just isn't worth living. Often I would find myself in so much pain that I didn't want to get out of bed; at those times I would picture you and everyone else hyper. Then I would smile, get out of bed and live my life. You have kept me alive for so long now, I can't live without you.
I know I can never love you the way a man can, but I do love you, probably more than I should, but I can't help that.
I'd like to think I would have been the first person you would go to if you were in danger or just needed someone to talk to, because you were always my first. You've seen me cry and comforted me, and I have done the same for you. I could never hurt anyone, you know that. But the last person I could ever hurt always has been you. Which is why I hate this feeling that I am going to die, because I realise I will never see you again and you will cry over my body. But I would rather know than not.
I've always wanted the best for you, so as long as you are pleased, I will be proud. Visit my grave for I know I will never be able to leave you, even in death.
I love you, my dearest Heidi, goodbye.
Most of the page was damp with my tears as I shakily stowed them in an empty folder that I would add to later on. It was then that I decided that I would not bother with chemo or radiotherapy. What was the point of a few more months when they would be spent feeling ill and in pain? No, I would let nature take its course.
And then I felt guilty for Heidi and everyone else, especially Heidi. But it was my life, my death, should I not be able to choose myself? The one thing I would allow myself would be pain medication, I had had enough pain for my time.