I wouldn't call it love, nothing like that at all. Heck, I barely even knew her. But I could not walk away, not after I knew.
As always, the doctors waiting room was full of coughing pensioners and half-asleep toddlers. Year-old magazines littered chairs and overflowed over tables where no one picked them up, convinced it would be their turn next; when in reality, they would have to wait for another half an hour at least. People stared at me, I knew it as I sat beside my mother who I never really got on with. Everyone suspected me of stuff they associated with my age group. And that only made me all the more shy.
The sound of my name being called from a doorway made me jump and I scurried in before my mother could follow me, she could not know what was going on.
This consultant room was not as bright as I had been expecting it, it was simply a small room with a few filing cabinets, a desk and a computer. Swallowing, I sat down opposite the greying doctor who had overseen all my tests; he looked even more tired than usual, despite his youth. Suddenly I pitied him, for I knew what was about to come and I wished I could tell him that I already knew, but I could not. Knowing that I knew my condition without diagnosis would be much worse than him having to tell me, so I kept my mouth shut.
"Alli, we have your results back." He closed his eyes briefly and then turned the full force of them back to me.
"Go on." I had long ago accepted what was wrong with me, but that had not prepared me for actually hearing it as a reality. Partly, it would be a relief to finally know, but it would mean that I could no longer pretend it was just my adolescent imagination getting the better of me.
"It is not good, are you sure you do not want your mum in here?"
"No."I considered it, but no. This was nothing to do with her, she would not understand my motives. She would only cry and try to smile, which would be a lot worse. No, I was better off on my own. I never needed her.
"Very well. Alli, you have a brain tumor that will most likely kill you. Now you do have options. We can offer you chemotherapy, radiotherapy but operating is out of the question. To be honest, none of us can work out how you managed to stand the pain for so long."
I was silent. I'd cried all my tears long ago, now everything was just sinking in.
"Alli? Are you okay?"
"And you understand what I have told you?"
"I need to tell your mother, will you go and get her. Wait outside."
Dumbly I nodded and slipped from the room, wondering how many other people he had had to tell they were dying. Ignoring the stares, I made my way over to my mother.
"Doctor wants to speak to you."
She said nothing as she went, she knew there was no point; I had not spoken to her unless spoken to first in three years. Frowning, I sat down on the chair. How could I be so calm after I had just been told my life would be taken from me by no more than something as small as over-grown cells?
The simple answer? I chose this fate for myself.