Have you ever been in love with someone who would reject you by her own nature? I have.
I felt in love with my best friend, Jenny. We are friends for a little over an year now, I don’t know exactly when started falling for her.
We met at first in highschool. One day she needed help studying for math so she asked me and I was glad to help her. I had the highest grades in math of the class. You could say I was good at it, unlike most of the students. Studying we got to one point where we left the books aside and started chatting, then we realized how much we had in common. We became friends quickly. We began to spend lots of time together. I hadn’t yet asked her out on a date or told her about my feelings. I never took the initiative with things like that, I was planning on telling her eventually though. My feelings for her were getting stronger.
We used to go to movies, parties, parks. Once we went camp, that’s was when she told me she was a lesbian. She was afraid to be discriminated and only told that to her closest friends. Not even her parents knew about it. I knew she needed support and so did my best to give it to her. And of course I kept it in secret as she asked me to. But it hurt, I felt I a squeeze in my heart when she told me that. We would never be together. She would never see me as someone she would date. But in spite of that, my feelings kept getting stronger.
You may say that I shouldn’t be in love with a lesbian girl, but the heart doesn’t choose that way, it just chooses.
Nowadays we live in the same building and we study in the same university. I like being around her all the time. Often I go over to her room so we can study together or maybe this is just some excuse I tell myself just to spend with her. I hope she doesn’t think that way.
One day we were chatting and she invited to go with her to her cousin’s wedding I accepted the invitation, always enjoyed going anywhere with her. At the day of the wedding I thought about getting her a present so I stopped by at the jewelry store and bought her a diamond necklace. It cost me half of my salary but I knew she would like it. I thought she could use it at the wedding. I went to her room to give her the necklace and when she opened the door I saw she was getting dressed and I saw her and I was amazed I thought “wow! She is really beautiful” and so I told her, she thanked me and invited me in. She had this beautiful black dress, it suited her very well, her hair was thrown to the side. Everything combined so perfectly with her and I thought the necklace would as well.
“I got you a gift”. I said.
I showed her the necklace, she sigh and said:
“Oh my God, William, That’s beautiful!”
“Did you like it?”
“Yeah! I’m gonna use it today.” She said before I suggested it.
“Let me put it on you.”
While I was putting the necklace on her I thought about how close we were and yet how distant I felt from her since she didn’t know about my feelings and because they wouldn’t be answered. But I loved so much this closeness we had.
“It must cost you a fortune.” She said.
“Well…” – I started talking – “You know, you are my best friend. That’s what friends do. You mean a lot to me Jenny.”
I tried to say that in the most serious way possible.
She turned to me and smiled.
Then we started staring at each other for some time. It was actually a brief moment but time seemed to have slowed down to me.
For a moment I thought I should kiss her, it felt right to do it.
For a moment I thought she could have feelings for me. For a moment I thought she could turn straight for me.
I was convinced I should kiss her. So I leaned myself towards her slowly, I was afraid she would turn her face, but she didn’t, she had a shy expression on her face, I ignored it. She was about to say something but I continued.
I kissed her. I was overjoyed. That kiss meant the world to me. At that moment I was happy. I had kissed before but never experienced the same feeling. And I felt like our relationship was complete.
Then she pulled away slowly with that same shy expression on her face. I felt that same squeeze in my heart of when she told me she was a lesbian. But there’s was something more, there’s was fear too. I was afraid.
I thought that I probably shouldn’t have done that.
“I’m sorry.” I said.
“I’m lesbian William.”
That hurt. More than when she told me about her homosexualism. Again I had never felt like that before but this time wasn’t happiness it was pain.
There was an awkward silence.
“I should go. We meet at the church, ok?” She said at last.
I nodded yes. I didn’t know what to say.
After she left I kept thinking about what had happened. “Even for just a moment I was stupid to think that she would have feelings for me, a man, not a girl.
“She didn’t seem surprise about the kiss, what if she knew about my feelings before the kiss? Maybe she did.”
I only hoped our friendship wouldn’t be affected. I hoped at least her friend I would continue being.
At the wedding we barely spoke at each other.
A few days later out of the blue in order to try to maintain our friendship, pretending that nothing had happened, I invited her to the movies. I was reluctant to do so but I thought “It’s Jenny for God’s sake.” So I invited her. For my surprise she acted like nothing had happened. We had a pretty good time that day.
On the way home I asked her, almost stuttering, but I had to ask her:
“Di…did you know abou…about my feelings for you?”
After a brief silence she said in low ton of voice:
“Sometimes the idea crossed my mind but only when you leaned towards me that day that it seemed realistic to think that way.”
We stayed in silence for a while then she started talking about the movie we saw. We were chatting like we usually did. And I was relieved we were still friends.
Two months later she got a girlfriend, her name was Elena, she was nice. It hurt to see them together my feelings were still there. I couldn’t be close to her without wanting to be even closer, without wanting to touch her. But I had to accept.
I was still her friend. She never left me aside to be with Elena. She spent a lot of time with her but she spent a lot of time with me too.
One day Jenny got the news that her father had passed away, he had a heart attack. Jenny was devastated. I barely knew him but I knew he was important for her and so I felt really bad for her. Of course Elena and I did our best to give her support through this tragedy. Although it was an awful moment I was glad to be there for her. I knew I could help her through this later I would be glad to do it.
Guess I was happy just to be her friend, I thought about her father that would never have this pleasure again, to be there and help her in moments of pain, to be there and laugh with her in moments of joy, I was happy to just be there when she was there. Then I realized I should really be. She was the best friend I could ever ask for. What if I had never met her? How awful would that be. I will remember the moment of that kiss, I will remember and save with me that even for a moment I had everything I wanted.
Although I didn’t have all I wanted, I had her with me. And it was all I needed.