Day 8 - Evening

- DAY 8

 – HELLO SWEET BABY, YOU KNOW THAT I WENT TO THE DOCTOR TODAY - I’M SURE YOU RECOGNIZED THE SOUND OF THE LADY I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE OTHER DAY. I HOPE THAT YOU WEREN’T SCARED AT THE PROBING AND THE SOUNDS THAT SHE MADE WITH HER MACHINES. I DIDN’T FEEL ANY TICKLING, SO I ASSUME YOU WERE OK TODAY…

DO YOU REMEMBER OUR TALK FROM YESTERDAY – WHEN THE DOCTOR TOLD ME I MIGHT BE LOSING YOU? TODAY SHE CONFIRMED IT. WHEN YOU ARE READY, YOU WILL BE LEAVING ME.

 I WONDER IF YOU KNEW THAT OR IF THIS IS GOING TO BE A SHOCK TO YOU TOO. THESE THOUGHTS CONFUSE ME. IF THIS IS A SHOCK TO YOU, I’M NOT SURE HOW TO WORD EVERYTHING. IF THIS ISNT A SHOCK TO YOU, I’M STILL NOT SURE HOW TO WORD EVERYTHING. IF THE LATTER IS TRUE, I’M GUESSING ON SOME LEVEL THAT YOU WILL SPEAK TO ME AND MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN TO ME. I’M GOING TO GO ON THE ASSUMPTION THAT YOU DO KNOW AND WILL HELP ME THROUGH THIS AS MUCH AS I’M GOING TO HELP YOU.

I’M GOING TO WRITE TO YOU EVERY DAY UNTIL YOU ARE GONE. I’M NOT SURE ANYBODY ELSE WOULD UNDERSTAND, BUT THAT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER TO ME RIGHT NOW.

I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU AND HAVE YOU TO GET TO KNOW ME FOR AS LONG AS WE HAVE TOGETHER. I’VE READ THAT YOUR SPIRIT CAN COME BACK IF I ASK YOU TO. I’M ASKING YOU TO, NO I’M BEGGING YOU – PLEASE. WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT AND YOU KNOW IT TO BE RIGHT, PLEASE COME BACK.

I TRUST THAT YOU WILL KNOW WHEN I WILL BE ABLE TO KEEP YOU AND CARRY YOU TO TERM. AT IT IS RIGHT NOW – I AM HEARTBROKEN AT THE THOUGHT OF LOSING YOU.

I AM MOURNING THE LOSS OF YOU ACUTELY – AND WILL SO UNTIL YOU CEASE TO EXIST. EVEN THEN YOU WILL NEVER BEEN GONE FROM ME. THIS HURTS SO MUCH I FEEL AS IF I CANNOT BREATHE…

I AM DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO HOLD ON TO – SOMETHING THAT WILL KEEP YOU HERE WITH ME. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE NEXT FEW DAYS WILL BRING – AND I CANNOT PROMISE YOU THAT I WON’T BE SAD OR ANGRY, UPSET, FRUSTRATED AND PROBABLY ANOTHER MILLION EMOTIONS.

I WILL DO MY BEST TO TAKE CARE OF YOU UNTIL YOU LEAVE AND WILL DO THE BEST I CAN TO TAKE CARE OF ME WHEN YOU ARE GONE.

ANOTHER THING THAT I HAVE FINALLY REALIZED BECAUSE OF YOU BEING HERE (AFTER ALL OF THESE YEARS) IS THAT I AM WORTHY OF BEING TAKEN CARE OF. I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF EVEN MORE NOW THAN BEFORE, SO I CAN BE HEALTHY WHEN YOU ARE READY TO COME BACK.

IT TOOK YOU BEING INSIDE OF ME, AND ME RECOGNIZING THE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU – FOR ME TO SEE THAT I NEED TO MAKE TAKING CARE OF MYSELF A PRIORITY. I’M NOT SURE IF THAT WILL MAKE SENSE TO YOU OR NOT, BUT I’M ASSUMING IT WILL.

I’M SITTING HERE STARING AT THE STARS AS I WRITE TO YOU AND WISH I COULD EXPLAIN THEIR SPLENDOR TO YOU SO YOU COULD SEE IT YOURSELF. TONIGHT IS A SPECIAL NIGHT. I DON’T KNOW ALL OF THE PROPER WORDS OR NAMES FOR WHAT IS HAPPENING, BUT IT IS SOME CELESTIAL THING THAT HAPPENS ONLY ONCE EVERY 60 YEARS. THERE ARE THOUSANDS, MAYBE EVEN MILLIONS OF FALLING STARS IN THE SKY. HOW APPROPRIATE IN A COMPLETELY IRONIC WAY.

I’M NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY OR HOW TO SAY WHAT IS IN MY MIND. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I STILL HAVE TO SAY TO YOU. I WANT TO TELL YOU THINGS ABOUT ME SO THAT YOU WILL RECOGNIZE ME NEXT TIME AROUND. SO YOU WILL KNOW WHO I AM SO YOU CAN COME BACK TO ME.

I’M STILL FEELING DESPERATE ABOUT LOSING YOU AND AM FEELING THE CLOCK TICKING. I CANT STOP THE FEELING OF PANIC THAT COMES WITH EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF THINKING OF YOU.

THEY CANNOT TELL ME WHEN YOU WILL DECIDE TO LEAVE AND CANNOT PROVIDE ME WITH ANYTHING SPECIFIC. I’M A PLANNER AND I GUESS THAT IS ALWAYS MY FALL BACK POSITION. ORGANIZE AND PLAN FOR EVERYTHING. I GUESS I’M FEELING EVEN MORE OUT OF SORTS BECAUSE OF WHAT I CANNOT PLAN FOR. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION.

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO PREPARE EITHER ONE OF US FOR WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. EXACTLY HOW DOES ONE PLAN FOR THE DEATH OF THEIR OWN CHILD? FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MYLIFE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO FIX THIS.

I’M SORRY I’M NOT MORE UPBEAT TONIGHT MY LOVE. I WANT TO WRITE TO YOU FOREVER. I’M AFRAID IF I STOP WRITING YOU WILL LEAVE. I KNOW IT DOESN’T MAKE LOGICAL SENSE, BUT AS YOU KNOW RIGHT NOW NOTHING IS MAKING ANY SENSE. I GUESS THINGS WON’T FOR A WHILE.

I’M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT DAY I SHOULD REMEMBER YOU WITH – THEY DAY I FOUND OUT ABOUT YOU – OR THE DAY I KNOW FOR SURE I LOST YOU? HOW DOES THAT HONOR YOU? HOW WILL I REMEMBER ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER? I’M GOING TO SIGN OFF FOR NOW AS I AM BEYOND EXHAUSTED. I DON’T THINK I WILL BE ABLE TO SLEEP AND I REALLY DON’T WANT TO – I DON’T WANT TO MISS ONE MOMENT WITH YOU.

PLEASE KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU ALREADY.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER – LOVE MOM XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

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