Days 7 & 8

JANE SAT IN UTTER DISBELIEF, SHE HAD NO IDEA HOW MUCH TIME HAD GONE BY OR HOW LONG SHE HAD SAT IN HER CAR AFTER COMING OUT OF THE DOCTORS OFFICE.

SHE COULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT SHE HAD JUST HEARD. SHE REPLAYED THE WORDS OVER AND OVER IN HER HEAD. NO MATTER HOW MANY WAYS SHE TRIED TO TURN THEM AROUND, TWIST THEM – TO HAVE THEM CHANGE- THEY DIDN’T CHANGE.

SHE HAD ONLY HAD SIX DAYS TO GET USED TO THE IDEA OF HAVING A BABY AND NOW IT LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE TO GET USED TO THE IDEA OF LOSING HER BABY.

HER DOCTOR HAD SAID THAT HER HORMONE LEVEL WAS FAR LOWER THAN IT SHOULD BE AT THIS TIME AND IT MEANT EITHER THEY HAD COMPLETELY MISCALCULATED THE DATES OR THAT SHE WAS LOSING THE BABY.

THEY SCHEDULED AN APPOINTMENT FOR THE NEXT MORNING TO CONFIRM THE DIAGNOSIS.

JANE KNEW THE DATES WERE CORRECT. JANE ALSO KNEW THAT AT THIS EARLY STAGE THERE WAS NOTHING THAT ANYBODY COULD DO TO HELP SAVE HER BABY. ..

TO SAY SHE WAS DISTRAUGHT WAS AN UNDERSTATMENT. TIMING BE DAMNED, SHE HAD TO CALL HER HUSBAND, SHE HAD TO HEAR HIS VOICE.

AS HARD AS THIS WAS GOING TO BE – TO TELL HIM, SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT. FOR HIM, IT WOULD BE A COMPLETE SURPRISE – FIRST FINDING OUT ABOUT THE BABY AND SECOND, TO HEAR THAT THEY WERE LOSING THE BABY HE JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT.

THIS WAS COMJPLETE DÉJÀ VU – THIS IS ALMOST EXACTLY WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO THEM ALMOST 11 YEARS EARLIER – TO THE DATE.

HE REMEMBERED VIVIDLY HOW EVERYTHING HAD HAPPENED THE LAST TIME. SHE REMEMBERED THE PAIN, THE TEARS AND THE GRIEF. SHE REMEMBERED THE TWO OF THEM CRYING TOGETHER – LOOKING TO CONSOLE AND COMFORT EACH OTHER IN AN UNCONSOLABLE SITUATION.

THE DEPTH OF THEIR GRIEF WAS SO DEEP, THAT THEY HADN’T SPOKEN OF THE SITUATION SINCE, WITH ONE EXCEPTION – TO OFFER SOLICE AND UNDERSTANDING WHEN THEIR SISTER IN LAW HAD A MISCARRIAGE A FEW YEARS AGO.

JANE KNEW THAT THIS SITUATION WAS NOT GOING TO GO AWAY AND THAT AS MUCH AS SHE WANTED TO FORGET THE INFORMATION FROM HER DOCTOR, SHE WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO IGNORE IT.

SHE SAT STILL AND TOOK INVENTORY OF HER BODY – HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING SHE WONDERED. SHE STILL FELT PREGNANT – HER BREASTS WERE STILL TENDER, HER WAIST WAS STILL THICK, HER STOMACH STILL NAUSEAUS….

MAYBE THERE WAS A MISTAKE, SHE WOULD ASK FOR THE TESTS TO BE REDONE.

JANE HELD ON TO THAT HOPE – THAT WAS ALL SHE HAD.

SHE WONDERED WHAT SHE WOULD SAY TO HER HUSBAND, SHE WONDERED WHAT SHE WOULD SAY IN HER LETTER TO HER SON TONIGHT IN HER DAILY LETTER.

SLOWLY SHE DIALED HER HUSBANDS NUMBER – AND AS MUCH AS SHE WANTED TO TALK TO HIM, SHE DIDN’T WANT HIM TO ANSWER. IF HE ANSWERED AND SHE TOLD HIM, IT WOULD BE REAL. SHE DIDN’T WANT THIS TO BE REAL.

HE ANSWERED ON THE THIRD RING AND SHE CRUMBLED. ALL HER CAREFULLY CRAFTED WORDS DISAPPEARED WHEN SHE HEARD HIS VOICE – JUST AS IT HAD 11 YEARS AGO. SHE FINALLY COMPOSED HERSELF AND TOLD HIM WHAT WAS GOING ON – IN ITS ENTIRETY.

SHE FELT HORRIBLE FOR DUMPING IT ON HIM THIS WAY, ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE KNEW THAT HE WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP HER FROM WHERE HE WAS.

EVEN IN HER DAZED BLANKET OF PAIN SHE KNEW HE HIMSELF WOULD BE UPSET, HE WOULD BE UPSET FOR HER AND UPSET HE COULDN’T BE THERE WITH HER TO FIX IT.

SHE TOLD HIM NOT TO CHANGE HIS TRAVEL PLANS YET AND THAT SHE WAS GOING TO THE DOCTORS AGAIN IN THE MORNING TO HAVE EVERYTHING CHECKED OUT. SHE WOULD CALL HIM THEN, AND THEY COULD DECIDE AT THAT POINT WHAT HE SHOULD DO.

AFTER GETTING OFF OF THE PHONE WITH CHRIS, JANE FELT A BIT CALMER.

TOGETHER THEY HAD TALKED ABOUT THE SITUATION AND CAME UP WITH A PLAN (WHICH REALLY MEANT WHAT TO DO NEXT), BUT AT THIS POINT IN TIME ANYTHING THAT HELPED PROVIDE SOME CALM AND PEACE WAS A USEFUL TOOL.

AS SHE TOOK OFF HER BUSINESS CLOTHES AND HUNG THEM OVER THE BACK OF THE CHAIR, SHE LOOKED DOWN AT HER SLOWLY EMERGING TUMMY. SHE SILENTLY TOLD HER BABY THAT SHE LOVED HIM AND WOULD TALK TO HIM LATER.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS – JANE BEGAN TO PRAY. SHE HAD GROWN UP ROMAN CATHOLIC, BUT WASN’T PRACTISING ANY RELIGION AT THIS POINT IN HER LIFE. ORGANIZED RELIGION WAS NOT HER THING. SHE HAD TREMENDOUS FAITH AND DID BELIEVE. SHE ALSO FELT STRONGLY THAT THE GOD SHE KNEW AND LOVED – WOULD HEAR HER FROM ANYPLACE, NOT JUST A SPECIFIC BUILDING.

SHE ALSO KNEW THAT NO MATTER WHAT SHE HAD OR HADN’T DONE IN HER LIFE – THAT WHEN THE LIFE OF A CHILD WAS AT STAKE, HE WOULD HEAR HER PRAYERS AND DO WHAT HE COULD – OR MAKE THE INEVITABLE BEARABLE.

SHE HAD ALWAYS KNOWN THAT IN THIS LIFETIME, SHE WOULD NEVER BE GIVEN MORE THAN SHE COULD HANDLE – SHE BANKED ON THAT FACT TO GET THROUGH SOME DAYS.

SHE GOT THROUGHT THE LORDS PRAYER AND STARTED HER ‘CHAT” WITH GOD, AND AS ALWAYS – SHE FELL ASLEEP WHILE PRAYING.

WHEN JANE WOKE UP AN HOUR LATER – SHE WAS FURIOUS WITH HERSELF. MAYBE SHE DID DESERVE TO LOSE THIS BABY SHE THOUGHT. SHE COULDN’T EVEN STAY AWAKE LONG ENOUGH TO PRAY FOR THE LIFE OF HER BABY – WHAT KIND OF PARENT WOULD SHE POSSIBLY BE?

SO BUSY WAS SHE AT BEATING HERSELF UP, IT NEVER OCCURRED TO HER THAT SHE HAD BEEN LED TO SLEEP IN ORDER TO BUILD HER STRENGTH FOR WHAT SHE WOULD HAVE TO ENDURE IN THE DAYS AHEAD.

SHE PICKED UP HER PEN AND DECIDED TO WRITE HER DAILY LETTER TO HER SON – NO MATTER HOW BAD SHE FELT OR HOW BAD WHAT SHE HAD TO SAY.

- DAY 7 -

 HELLO MY DARLING,

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY TODAY? AS YOU PROBABLY FELT – I HAD A PRETTY ROUGH DAY.  I’M OK, BUT HAVE BEEN MORE THAN A BIT EMOTIONAL.

 I WASN’T GOING TO MENTION ANY OF THIS TO YOU TODAY, BUT I IMAGINE YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS THAN I DO. YOU KNOW THE DOCTOR SAYS I AM LOSING YOU – TO SAY I AM DEVASTED IS AN UNDERSTATMENT.

 I AM STILL HOLDING ON TO SOME HOPE, BUT AM NOT SURE IF THAT IS GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE.

 I SPOKE TO YOUR FATHER TODAY – NOT QUITE THE CONVERSATION THAT I HAD IMAGINED OR WANTED, BUT IF THE WORST HAPPENS – I KNOW THAT I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GO THROUGH THIS WITHOUT HIM.

 I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, I AM SURPRISED BY HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU ALREADY. I IMAGINE THAT IS FAIRLY NORMAL WITH MOST PEOPLE, BUT I AM SUCH A SCEPTIC, THAT I USUALLY DON’T “FALL” HEAD OVER HEELS. YOU ARE THE EXCEPTION I GUESS. I LOVE YOU BEYOND WORDS AND THE THOUGHT OF HAVING TO POSSIBLY LET YOU GO IS HORRIFIC.

 I TRIED TO PRAY EARLIER AND AS YOU KNOW, FEEL ASLEEP. I HOPE THAT ME SLEEPING DIDN’T HURT YOUR CHANCES OF SURVIVAL – FROM “HIS” PERSPECTIVE.

 MY MIND IS SO CONFUSED. I STILL FEEL PREGNANT – AS EVIDENCED BY THE NAP EARLIER, THE EXTRA EMOTIONS – THE HORMONES.

 I STILL FEEL YOU.

 I’M SORRY MY LOVE, BUT I HAVE TO GO FOR TONIGHT. I NEED TO GET MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS SORTED OUT. I NEED TO SEE THE DOCTOR IN THE MORNING AND GET THE RESULTS CONFIRMED ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

 GOOD NIGHT MY SWEET BOY… I LOVE YOU. NO MATTER WHAT, NOW AND ALWAYS.

 LOVE MOM   XOXO

 

 JANE STOOD AT THE DOOR OF HER DOCTORS OFFICE. SHE HAD BEEN STANDING HERE FOR 5 MINUTES – STARING AT THE DOOR. IF SOMEONE OPENS THE DOOR I’LL GO IN, IF NOBODY OPENS THE DOOR IN THE NEXT MINUTE – I’LL GO HOME. 

SHE HAD DRIVEN TO THE DOCTORS IN A COMPLETE STATE OF SHOCK. SHE HADNT BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP FOR EVEN A MOMENT THE NIGHT BEFORE.

SHE HAD BEEN AFRAID TO THINK – AFRAID ANYTHING SHE SAID OR DID WOULD HURT THE BABY. SHE WAS ALSO AFRIAD THAT IF SHE THOUGHT ANYTHING SPECIFIC, ONE WAY OR THE OTHER THE BABY WOULD KNOW.

SHE DIDN’T KNOW IF IT WAS POSSIBLE OR NOT, BUT IF SHE DIDN’T THINK ABOUT IT, DIDN’T ACCEPT IT – MAYBE IT WOULDN’T HAPPEN, JUST MAYBE IT WOULDN’T BE TRUE AND SHE WOULD WAKE UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE.

SHE WANTED TIME TO STAND STILL, NOT BECAUSE OF THE NOT KNOWING – BUT IF SHE STOPPED TIME RIGHT NOW, SHE WOULD STILL HAVE HER BABY AND NOTHING COULD EVER HURT OR SEPARATE THEM.

AT THAT MOMENT, THE DOOR OPENED. SHE SLOWLY WALKED IN.

THE LOOK ON THE NURSES FACE TOLD IT ALL, AND HER HEART INSTANTLY SUNK. SHE TOOK A SEAT IN THE OFFICE AND WATCHED THE COLORS DRAIN FROM THE ARTWORK, LISTENED AS THE SOUNDS OF THE WORLD FADED INTO NOTHING – SHE WAS ONLY AWARE OF THIS VOICE, THIS ONE VOICE THAT SOUNDED LIKE CHARLIE BROWNS TEACHER IN THE ANIMATED SERIES ON TELEVISION SHE WATCHED AS A CHILD. 

 IT WAS TELLING HER THE WORST AND SHE DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR IT.  SHE SAT THERE FOR A FEW MINUTES WHILE THE WORDS SANK IN. SHE THANKED THE DOCTOR FOR HER HELP AND TOOK THE WHITE PIECE OF PAPER WITH A DATE AND TIME THAT THE NURSE HANDED HER.

 SHE WAS HAVING A MISCARRIAGE.

 THE DOCTOR HAD GIVEN HER PRESCRIPTIONS FOR THE MEDICATIONS SHE WOULD NEED TO HELP HER BODY THROUGH THIS PROCESS. THE DOCTOR HAD ALSO MADE HER AN APPOINTMENT FOR A D&C IF HER BODY DIDN’T “EXPEL” EVERYTHING ON ITS OWN.

 THE REST OF THE DAY WAS A BLUR. SHE KNEW SHE WENT TO WORK, SHE KNEW SHE SPOKE TO SOMEONE ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON – BUT SHE COULDN’T REMEMBER WHO.

 SHE KNEW SHE HAD CALLED HER HUSBAND, BUT COULDN’T REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID OR EVEN IF HE WAS COMING HOME. 

 SHE KNEW SHE HAD BEEN SENT HOME FROM WORK, BUT COULDN’T REMEMBER GETTING HOME.

 HER ANGUISH PALBABLE, SHE SAT DESPONDENT ON THE EDGE OF THE BED. HER HEART WAS BROKEN, ALL HOPE WAS LOST. SHE WAS LOST.

 WHEN SHE LIFTED HER HEAD AGAIN 3 HOURS HAD PASSED. SHE HAD CRIED UNCONTROLLABLY, THE DEEP WRENCHING, GUTTERAL SOBS THAT CAME FROM THE DEPTHS OF HER SOUL.   

 SHE HAD ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT HOWLING SOUNDED LIKE – AND NOW SHE KNEW. SHE ALSO KNEW SHE COULD NEVER HEAR THAT SOUND AGAIN OR HER SOUL WOULD BURST IN PURE AGONY.

 JANE HADN’T REALIZED YET, THAT THE SOUNDS HAD COME FROM HER.

 AS JANE SLOWLY CAME TO FULL CONSIOUSNESS, SHE HEARD NOTHING MORE THAN HER OWN TEARS RUNNING DOWN HER FACE. SHE FELT NOTHING MORE THAN THE HEAT OF HER CELLS INSIDE OF HER WORKING OVERTIME.

 SHE SAW HIS FEET WALKING TOWARDS HER AS SHE LAY WITH HER HEAD HANGING OFF OF THE BED. SHE KNEW HE HAD PICKED HER UP, SHE KNEW HE HAD HIS ARMS AROUND HER BUT SHE COULDN’T REALLY FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL.

 SHE HAD COMPLETELY SHUT HER BODY DOWN TO ANY RESPONSES. THIS STRATEGY HAD WORKED FOR HER COUNTLESS TIMES BEFORE AND SHE KNEW IT WOULD WORK THIS TIME.

 SHE FELT AS IF SHE WAS WATCHING HERSELF FROM THE CEILING. AS IF SHE WERE HANGING THERE, PERCHED TO LISTEN AND OBSERVE – BUT TO NOT HAVE ANY INPUT ON THE OUTCOME. SHE COULD YELL AND SCREAM ALL SHE WANTED, BUT NOBODY WOULD HEAR HER CRIES. NOTHING SHE SAID OR DID WOULD KEEP HER BABY ALIVE…

 SHE COULD WATCH FROM AFAR AND KEEP HER FEELINGS REMOTE. THE MORE REMOTE, THE LESS SHE WOULD FEEL. THE LESS SHE WOULD FEEL – THE LESS THIS WOULD HURT.

JANE SLOWLY DELICATELY REMOVED CHRIS’S ARM FROM AROUND HER. SHE DIDN’T WANT TO WAKE HIM UP. SHE WAS GLAD HE WAS AT HOME, BUT SHE WANTED A FEW MINUTES BY HERSELF TO WRITE HER SON HIS DAILY LETTER.

 SHE KNEW THAT TODAY WAS THE DAY THAT SHE HAD TO BE BRUTALLY HONEST. NO MATTER HOW HARD IT WAS FOR HER, SHE WOULD KEEP HER PROMISE TO HER SON AND HANDLE THIS IN A WAY THAT HE WOULD BE PROUD OF HER.


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