Days 5 & 6

 DAY 5 –

HELLO AGAIN MY ANGEL, JUST A FEW MORE SLEEPS UNTIL DADDY GETS HOME. HIS BUSINESS TRIP HAS BEEN EXTENDED BY A FEW DAYS. I KNOW YOU WANT TO MEET HIM – BUT PLEASE BE PATIENT A BIT LONGER. HE’S GOING TO LOVE YOU SO MUCH WHEN HE CALMS DOWN…*LAUGH*…

YEP, HE’LL MOST LIKELY FREAK OUT I’M SURE, THEN HE WILL THINK OF A MILLION REASONS WHY HE IS AFRAID TO BRING YOU INTO THIS WORLD – LACK OF TIME, MONEY, LIFESTYLE CHANGES ETC. THEN AFTER A FEW MINUTES (OR DAYS…*LAUGH*), I PREDICT HE IS GOING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU – HIS SON – AND HE IS GOING TO BE SO OVERPROTECTIVE I’LL BE SURPRISED IF THE DOCTORS SURVIVE YOUR DELIVERY…*LAUGH*…

YOU’RE GOING TO BE THE ONE THAT WILL REMOVE THE SHELL FROM AROUND HIM (JUST LIKE YOU DID FOR ME). YOU ARE GOING TO TIP THE SCALES FOR HIM AND THE LOVE HE WILL FEEL WHEN YOU ARE HERE IS GOING TO BE SOMETHING SO POWERFUL I’M SURE I’LL JUST HAVE TO SIT BACK AND WATCH.

I CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER. EVERYTHING YOU DO TOGETHER IS GOING TO BE AN INCREDIBLE GIFT – TO ALL OF US. I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU ASLEEP ON HIS CHEST WHILE HE IS SLEEPING.

I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOUR DADS SMILE THE FIRST TIME YOU SMILE AT HIM. I CANNOT IMAGINE HOW PROUD HE IS GOING TO FEEL THE FIRST TIME YOU CALL HIM DADDY….AND I THINK IT WILL BE RIGHT OFF THE RICHTER SCALE THE FIRST TIME HE CAN SHOW YOU OFF TO HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS. (ESPECIALLY IN THAT RACING SUIT I MENTIONED EARLIER… *LAUGH*)

PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH YOUR DAD – HE IS SUCH A GOOD GUY. THIS IS GOING TO THROW HIM FOR A LOOP, BUT I BELIEVE IN HIS HEART THAT HE REALLY DOES WANT YOU. HE IS GOING TO DOUBT HIS ABILITY TO BE A GOOD PARENT AND HE PROBABLY WON’T STOP BEING AFRAID LONG ENOUGH TO SEE THAT ALL PARENTS ARE AFRAID FOR THEIR CHILDREN.

I THINK HE THINKS HAVING CHILDREN AND SPENDING TIME WITH THEM IS A CHORE. I DON’T THINK HE REALIZES IT IS A LABOUR OF LOVE AND THAT IT WILL BE HIM THAT IS CHOSING TO STAY HOME WITH YOU, TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU.

I THINK HE IS AFRAID THAT WE CANNOT HAVE IT ALL IF WE HAVE CHILDREN. PERSONALLY, I THINK WE CAN – AND THAT YOU ARE A NECESSARY PART OF OUR PUZZLE. I CANNOT SEE YOU BEING ANYTHING BUT JOY AND A WONDERFUL ADDITION TO OUR LIVES.

SURE WE WILL HAVE TO MAKE SOME CHANGES, BUT THAT IS LIFE ISN’T IT – ALWAYS CHANGING.

THE REWARDS FROM HAVING YOU AS OUR SON ARE GOING TO BE IMMEASURABLE – I CAN’T WAIT.

CAN I PLEASE ASK YOU ANOTHER FAVOUR – CAN YOU PLEASE HELP YOUR DAD WHILE HE ADJUSTS TO THIS NEW LIFE WE ARE ABOUT TO EMBARK UPON. I THINK HE WILL NEED YOUR STRENGTH AND COURAGE UNTIL HE FINDS IT WITHIN HIMSELF.  THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO DO.

WOW...PRETTY HEAVY STUFF.I’M SORRY ABOUT THAT. IT’S JUST THAT GOSH, TODAY HAS BEEN SUCH A BUSY DAY AND THERE IS SO MUCH TO TELL YOU…

 AS I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY, MY UPBRINGING WITH MY PARENTS WAS NOT THE HEALTHIEST FOR ME. I HAVE BEEN GOING TO SEE A WONDERFUL COUNSELLOR EVERY WEEK FOR THE PAST YEAR. SHE IS HELPING ME DEAL WITH THE ISSUES OF THE PAST SO THAT THEY NO LONGER AFFECT MY FUTURE.

 IN ADDITION TO THAT, I HAVE BEEN DOING SOME OF MY OWN RESEARCH, WORK AND HEALING. I DON’T WANT THIS TO AFFECT MY LIFE FOR ANY LONGER THAN IT HAS TO – AND THE LAST YEAR I HAD DEDICATED SPECIFICALLY TO HEALING.

 THIS HEALING IS AN INCREDIBLE THING. I HADN’T TRULY REALIZED HOW MUCH HEALING I HAD DONE TO DATE AND HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS. I ALSO DIDN’T REALIZE HOW MUCH OF AN IMPACT THAT YOU WOULD HAVE ON MY HEALING.

 PEOPLE WILL FOR SURE THINK I’M CRAZY WHEN I SAY IT OUT LOUD. BUT I TRULY BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE GIVING TO ME JUST AS MUCH AS I AM GIVING TO YOU.

 IS IT POSSIBLE THAT OUR TRUEST BONDING HAS STARTED ALREADY AND JUST AS I INSTINCTIVLY KNOW WHAT TO GIVE YOU, YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED AS WELL?

 ANYWAYS, BACK TO THE TOPIC… TODAY I WENT TO A HEALING CLASS. BOY WAS IT HARD WORK. THE BIGGEST SURPRISE WAS THE WAY THE WORK WAS RECEIVED INTO MY HEART AND SOUL. IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I HAD NEEDEDAND EXACTLY WHAT I HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR -  FOR SO MANY YEARS.

THE FUNNY PART IS, I HAD NO IDEA THAT WAS THE HEALING I WAS LOOKING FOR! *LAUGH* I KNOW THAT SOUNDS VERY SIMPLE, BUT IT IS SO TRUE.

 IN THINKING ABOUT THE DAY AND REVIEWING WHAT HAPPENED – I’VE DECIDED THAT I NEED TO SAY THANK YOU TO YOU.   YOU’VE SHOWN ME WHAT LOVE IS – YES YOUR FATHER HAS TOO, BUT YOU’VE SHOWN IT TO ME IN A DIFFERENT WAY.  ALL OF A SUDDEN I “GET IT” AND KNOW WHAT A MOTHER IS.

 THE CHANGE IS INSTANT AND IRREVERSIBLE. THAT POWER THAT URGE TO PROTECT AND NURTURE YOU IS SOMETHING I WILL NEVER FORGET. MY POWER TO LOVE HAS INCREASED TENFOLD WITHIN MYSELF AND MUCH TO MY SURPRISE, THAT LOVE HAS HELPED ME HEAL SOME OLD WOUNDS I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I HAD.

 I DIDN’T KNOW UNTIL TODAY THAT THE ISSUES I HAD WITH MY FATHER AFFECTED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR DAD AND WOULD SUBSEQUENTLY AFFECT YOU.

 I DIDN’T KNOW I KEPT MY FEARS AND UPSETS ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP WTH YOUR GRANDFATHER INSIDE – BUT MADE THE SAME THINGS HAPPEN WITH YOUR DAD.  WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF – I CREATED FOR MYSELF. ONCE I SAW IT CLEARLY - IT COMPLTELY LOST ITS POWER. I’VE BEEN TRYING FOR YEARS TO DO THIS – AND NOW BAM, AS SOON AS YOU ARE HERE, I LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO LET IT GO. 

 LOVE IS FORGIVENESS AND FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. I’M SURE THAT THIS IS JUST THE FIRST OF A BILLION LESSONS AT LEAST THAT I WILL LEARN FROM YOU OVER THE YEARS.

 AS I SAID EARLIER, I’M JUST SURPRISED THAT YOU ARE SHOWING ME SO MANY GIFTS SO EARLY ON IN YOUR EXISTENCE.

 YOU ARE INSPIRING ME TO FACE MY OWN FEARS – AND THE FEAR THAT I WOULDN’T EVER BE A GOOD MOTHER HAS VANISHED.

 FROM THE MOMENT I KNEW OF YOU, I FELT YOU – I FELT MY RESPONSE TO YOU, AND I KNEW I WOULD BE A GOOD MOTHER TO YOU.

I KNEW IT WITH EVERY FIBRE OF MY BEING THAT I WOULD NEVER REPEAT THE PAST WITH YOU.

 IT REALLY IS TRUE, WHEN YOU ARE HAVING A BABY YOUR LIFE DOES CHANGE – AND YOUR PRIORITIES ARE VERY CLEAR.

 MY PRIORITIES ARE ME AND MY FAMILY (YOU AND YOUR FATHER AND OUR EXTENDED FAMILY}.  NONE AT THE EXPENSE OF THE OTHER.

 I WISH I COULD TELL YOU OF THE CALM AND PEACE THAT I FEEL INSIDE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. BUT I GUESS YOU CAN FEEL THAT CAN’T YOU?

 IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE I NEVER THOUGHT THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN TO ME, TO US AND THEN HERE YOU ARE. A PRECIOUS GIFT. A WONDERFUL SURPRISE.

 I NEVER REALIZED HOW MUCH I COULD LOVE SOMEONE UNTIL YOU ARRIVED. I HAD ALWAYS BEEN SO BUSY SHUTTING EVERYBODY OUT THAT I NEVER REALIZED THAT BY SHUTTING EVERYTHING OUT, I WAS KEEPING THE GOOD STUFF OUT AS WELL.

 I WAS LIMITING MY CAPACITY TO GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE. I ALMOST HAD MYSELF CONVINCED THAT I WAS NO GOOD AT IT, AND COULDN’T DO IT.

 FEAR MADE ME PUT UP HUGE WALLS. WHILE LIVING IN THAT FEAR, I THOUGHT IT WAS OTHERS THAT PUT THE WALLS AROUND ME AND I CONSTANTLY FOUGHT THEM AND MADE THE WALLS HIGHER AND HARDER TO GET THROUGH. (THEY WERE MUCH EASIER FOR ME TO HIDE BEHIND THIS WAY).

 I DID THIS TO YOUR DAD FOR YEARS, AND ONLY JUST NOW REALIZE HOW MUCH I TRULY DO LOVE HIM. HAVING YOU MADE ME REALIZE THIS. I AM SO LUCKY TO HAVE FOUND THIS OUT BEFORE I DID ANY UNREPARABLE DAMAGE TO OUR MARRIAGE.

I’M SORRY FOR BEING ALL OVER THE PLACE TODAY MY LOVE – I’M A BIT SCATTERED AND SUPER EMOTIONAL …THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON IN MY HEAD, HEART AND BODY…ITS INCREDIBLE... (YES, ALL GIRLS ARE LIKE THIS AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER – AND IF YOU ASK YOUR DAD OR UNCLE, THEY’LL SAY WE ARE LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME…AND THAT IS WHAT BEER AND SPORTS ARE MADE FOR…*LAUGH*)

 I LOOKED ON THE INTERNET TODAY AND SAW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. APPARENTLY YOU ARE DEVELOPING YOUR CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM RIGHT NOW – YOU ALREADY HAVE BUDS FOR YOUR HANDS AND FEET AND YOUR LITTLE SPINE IS ALREADY DEVELOPED. I CAN SEE WHERE YOUR EYES ARE GROWING AND THEY SAY THAT AS OF A WEEK OR TWO AGO – THEY COULD DETECT A HEART BEAT.  INCREDIBLE… JUST INCREDIBLE…

 AH...I CAN FEEL YOU RUMBLING… HAD ENOUGH FOR TODAY MY LOVE? LET’S GO EAT AND HAVE A NAP…. I LOVE YOU BABY…. LOVE MOM XOXO

 

JANE SAT THERE QUIETLY, RE-READING EVERYTHING SHE WROTE SEVERAL TIMES….

WHAT SHE HAD SAID IN THE LETTER TO HER SON WAS TRUE. MAYBE ALL SHE HAD EVER NEEDED TO DO WAS TO LOVE HERSELF FIRST AND THEN EVERYTHING ELSE WOULD FOLLOW.

AS SMART AS SHE WAS, SHE WONDERED WHY IT TOOK BEING PREGNANT TO MAKE HER SEE THAT. SHE LAUGHED AT THE OLD ADDAGE – EXTREME MEASURES FOR EXTREME PEOPLE – AND FIGURED THAT WAS ABOUT AS ACCURATE AS A SAYING COULD BE….

SHE HAD ALWAYS LEARNED THINGS THE HARD WAY….ALWAYS TREID AND TESTED THINGS HERSELF. SHE WAS NEVER ONE TO JUST TAKE SOMEONES WORD FOR IT….

AS QUICKLY AS SHE REALIZED IT, THE POWER THESE THINGS HAD OVER HER DISAPPEARED. THEY NO LONGER MATTERED AND THEIR MEANING WAS GONE. NO LONGER DID SHE FEEL ANY SORROW OR LOSS, NOR DID SHE FEEL ANY ANGER OR RAGE

IT WAS ALL SIMPLY GONE, REPLACED BY A CALM PEACEFUL ASSURANCE THAT ALL WAS WELL. THAT SHE WAS COMPLETE, SHE WAS WHOLE, SHE WAS A GOOD PERSON AND SHE DESERVED TO BE HAPPY.

SO VERY SIMPLE…

 

 

JANE WOKE UP WITH AN INCREDIBLE SENSE OF LOVE AND GOODWILL. SHE WANTED TO HUG EVERYBODY SHE SAW, SMILE AT EVERY PERSON WHO LOOKED HER WAY. SHE WAS SO FULL OF LOVE, SHE THOUGHT THAT SHE WOULD JUST BURST.

IF THIS IS WHAT BEING PREGNANT WAS ALL ABOUT, SHE WAS ALL FOR IT. eVERY MOMENT OF EACH DAY SHE KNEW SHE WAS PREGNANT, SHE LOVED THAT KNOWLEDGE.  SINCE FINDING OUT ABOUT HER SON, SHE BEGAN TO PLAY SUCH CLOSE ATTENTION TO HERSELF AND HER BODY – IT WAS ALMOST AS IF SHE HAD OVERNIGHT DEVELOPED SOME SPECIAL POWER OF OBSERVATION. 

 THERE WASN’T A MOMENT DURING THE DAY THAT SHE WASN’T AWARE SHE WAS PREGNANT. THAT SHE WASN’T THINKING ABOUT HER CHILD.

FEELING HIM GROW AND CHANGE WAS AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE. SHE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD ALL OF THE OTHER WOMEN SHE HAD EVER WORKED WITH THAT HAD BEEN PREGNANT.

 IT REALLY IS ALL CONSUMING AND YOUR ENTIRE SENSE OF SELF BECOMES SOMETHING THAT WORDS CANNOT EXACTLY DESCRIBE.

 SHE HAD ONE TEST TO DO TODAY AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE, NOTHING BIG THOUGH. SHE WOULD STOP OFF THERE ON HER WAY TO WORK AND BE AT WORK BY 9.  OR AT LEAST SHE WOULD TRY – THE MORNING SICKNESS WAS MAKING MORNINGS A BIT ROUGH – OK, EXTREMELY ROUGH.

 HER DAYS SEEMED TO HAVE MUCH LONGER MORNINGS NOW, SHORTER AFTERNOONS AND EVENINGS AND SLEEP WASN’T SOMETHING THAT SHE WAS ABLE TO DO WITHOUT GETTING UP AT LEAST TWICE DURING THE NIGHT.

 NO MATTER, SHE LOVED EVERY MOMENT OF IT.SHE WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING THE DOCTOR TODAY, SO SHE COULD TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT HER BABY. AT LUNCH SHE THOUGHT SHE WOULD GO TO BABIES ‘R’US TO LOOK AROUND. THERE WERE SO MANY CUTE CLOTHES FOR NEWBORNS AND SHE COULDN’T WAIT TO START BUYING THINGS FOR HIM.

 SHE HAD SEEN A MINATURE RACING DRIVERS SUIT THE OTHER DAY WHEN SHE WAS OUT. SHE WAS SHOPPING WITH GIRLFRIENDS THAT DIDN’T KNOW YET, SO SHE COULDN’T BUY IT WITHOUT GIVING UP HER SECRET. SHE COULDN’T POSSIBLY TELL HER GIRLFRIENDS WITHOUT TELLING HER HUSBAND FIRST.

 AS SOON AS THE NEWS WAS OUT, SHE WAS GOING TO GO BACK AND GET THAT RACING SUIT. SHE COULD JUST SEE IT ON HIM – AND SHE WOULD BE SURE TO TAKE ABOUT A MILLION PICTURES OF IT… *LAUGH*…

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