It had been a week since we had talked. I had got used to it. I didn’t mind going to sleep without talking to him. After all I was at home, with my parents. I couldn’t afford to be emotional lest they would be worried. I didn’t know why for the first time, I was happy being at home, being with my parents. I loved this dependence. I didn’t feel like I was being choked. I wanted my parents to be over-protective and dominant over me, question each step I took. For the first time in my life, I started loving what I had hated for twenty years. Why? Did I become too vulnerable? Was my love making me weak?
I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything. I just didn’t want to think about it. I wanted to run away, run away from everything, run away from this place where everyone knows me, and run away from life, from truth. I wish I could run away from myself.
I was not talking to him. I was not even courageous to show my tension in front of my parents. So in the vacations I found solace in my laptop. I used to sit with it all day, reading, surfing the net etc.
One day while I was checking my mails, he pinged me
My breath stopped for a moment. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I didn’t know what to do next. After a few seconds of oblivion I typed-
Him: How are you?
Me: Fine, and u?
Him: Me too.
Me: What's the matter, remembered me after such a long time?
Him: what to do, work pressure. Haven't got a new number yet, the old one's on roaming, so bad na?
Me: No big deal, don't be sad. Talk when it's fine for you.
My stupid heart. It just can’t be angry on anyone for long. Just that little chat and I was back on track. I didn’t doubt my love, my decisions. I was happy, and less scared.
A few days later he got a new number there. We were back to texting. It wasn’t as good or passionate as old times. There were a lot of problems. Firstly, I am not allowed to stay up late nights. He used to be late while returning from work. He used to get tired so dozed off as soon as he returned home. When he woke up, I had already gone to sleep. And even if we got over all these problems and managed to text each other, the network sucked, so half of the times the messages didn’t use to get delivered.”
Long distance relationship became tough for us with so many boundaries. Still we did our best. I knew the situation was tough, he was confused, our relation was vulnerable. A lot of times I was confused, I wanted to give up, to end it all. I wasn’t able to bear the pain, but I was even scared of the pain of being without him.
I didn’t want to give up. I was ready to work on it, to give it my best.