I woke up in the night screaming and screaming. The nurses were there in seconds, and they kept telling me it was okay when really they had no fucking idea. At first everything was fuzzy but then it all came back to me and I started screaming even more.
Eventually they managed to calm me down, sit me on the bed and tell me to breath slowly and deeply. I was listening to them only so that I wouldn't fall back into myself. Trying to forget everything that wasn't you, except everything was you and so there was no way to forget. One of the nurses must have summoned the doctor because then he was there, looking all serious, but also very disheveled. Almost sad, I thought. I must have been pretty focused on this, because I didn't even hear him and the nurses talking.
But then he sat on the bed beside me and asked me what was wrong. And I just sort of stared at him for a while, because it hit me then that he had known all along. All the pieces fell into place. All the reasons and answers I'd been tearing my skin apart for. They were laying right before my eyes, and they always had been.
I didn't know what to do anymore. So I crumbled into the bed and began to sob hysterically. I couldn't even bring myself to care that everyone was there. The only person I so desperately needed was gone. There was no way to dance around this one, no way to pretend it was all in my head. My beautiful, innocent Savannah...
That was yesterday.
Today, I'm doing better. I haven't cried yet, so that's good. I woke up and had some coffee with my pill. Insanity delight. On the way to the doctor's office I happened to pass a window and see that the sun was shining. I let myself believe that it was you, pouring your light down over the world. A hidden message meant only for me. Telling me that somehow it would be okay.
I'm putting the pen down now, with no intentions of picking it back up. There is no sense in writing to someone who is gone. Especially if you're the cause, the one who let them go. And it's pointless to pour your heart out when the words will never, ever be read. Just know that I'll be thinking of you. Loving you and missing you terribly. I'll be waiting for the moment I can see you again.
Until then, hold on. That's what I'll be doing. That's what we'll all be doing, I guess, because in life that's all you can do.
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. -Friedrich Nietzsche