Find My Way BackMature

A diary I suppose, about my "brother" leaving for the army and leaving his girlfriend behind.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment that he told me. I blocked that memory out.

My best friend, my "brother", seventeen-year old Ryan Feather, with his long brown and orange fringe and snakebites and tatoos and beat-up skatebooard, heartbreakingly kind, incredibly caring and annoyingly funny, fucks-like-a-Duracell-bunny-on-Viagra-laced-chocolate-oysters, that I'd met through a friend's brother that summer (2010), was leaving for the army. Training at Catterick for Afghanistnan in 2012.

It hurt me enough that he was leaving, but it hurt my best friend Shannon more. His girlfriend. They fitted perfectly. We all had the same rough skater-scene kind of culture, we all shared a froup of about twenty friends and loved eachother dearly, but those two just hit it off instantly, and she fell hard for him. He was reluctant, because his ex Steffie had done something awful to him beofre she left him, but he couldn't help himself. He came home from training two weeks ago and told me all this, y'know. How beautiful she is to him - she's beautiful to everyone, dirty blonde scene hair bleached on top by the sun, huge blue eyes ringed with black, and an ample DD chest -  and how he felt so strange at first because she was only fourteen when they met. What happened when he took her virginity (I got details that I really would have rather not known); how much he loves her. But mostly, guilt poured out as he spoke, and cried.

You see, before Ryan left, he broke up with her, saying that he needs to focus on his training. He regretted it instantly, but didn't want to look back. It ruined Shan. Their song, the acoustic version of Four Year Strong's "Find My Way Back", played constatly in her house, and she wore his necklace and bracelets all the time, and slept in his favourite blue Zoo York teeshirt every night. She'd grown up without her dad, her stepdad hated her and stole money from her mom, and whenever Shan tried to tell her mom that she had to leave him her mom would just yell at her, and it scared Shannon because she'd always gotten on brilliantly with her mom. Ry looked after her. And then that protection was gone, and the love too: Shan's craved love from being ten years old, when her stepdad moved in and her mom fell out with her.

Ryan cried as he spoke to me, sat on his sofa at two in the morning. I promised to tell Shannon everything he'd said. So when I got in, I sent her a text (It was about seven or eight in the morning by then), telling her the whole story. I got a rather depressed "good morning to you too Rach :'( xx"  in reply, so I rang her and let her cry to me.

I know what your asking yourself: why, if the guy she's in love with just admitted that he still has feelings for her and wants her back, is she crying?

 Well, because Ry says she'll have to wait until February next year to get back with him.

Because he trains solidly until October, and then, as the government can't afford to train him another year, leave for three months for Afghanistan. To leave his country, go to war, risk his life, at eighteen years old. He says he wants to wait, beacause, God forbid anything did happen to him, it'd be easier for Shan if they weren't together, he thinks, and because he says he has to concentrate on the training, and the war, so he doesn't do anything stupid and get himself killed. He says he has to concentrate, otherwise he'll never come back home to her. We both cried when he said that, and Shannon cried even harder when I told her. He said that if shes willing to wait for him to come back home, then it'll happen for them.

These are the lyrics to their song. Listen to it on Youtube please; there's a link to it at the end.

I can't believe what this is doing to me
I've seen so many cities
Fall down to their knees
I'm begging you, please
Don't bury me underneath their crumbled walls
My barren thoughts weigh heavier
Than the weight of our demands

I feel the pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
To find my way back home

I feel the heat and what it's doing to me
I've been pulling at my own skin
To hide my face
It's hard to relate
Forget the way you feel when you are safe at home
You leave this world alone, stone by stone
If only I had known about the

Pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home

One mile left
It lasts a lifetime
Like a promise kept
Under the weight of the world
Falling down on your shoulders
It's colder

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home
Find my way back home
Cause I've been crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home

See the irony in those lyrics now? "Forget the way you feel when you are safe at home..." "So I can prove to you that I'm alive..."

All three of us listen to that whenever we have the chance, we sing it almost constantly and it's always in our heads. If he was lost, I'd be losing my brother and my dearest friend; Shannon would lose her protector and most importantly, the man she loves. I pray every day that he'll be okay.

He has to come back home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyctNauZsi0

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