If I could describe what trying to live with SA is like, I would have to say, fearful. Most people with SA tend to act paranoid but in reality we're just scared to death. "Scared of what?" you may ask. The unknown; the limitless possibilities of dreadful things that are so unlikely to happen but seem as if it could happen at any moment. When people say, "calm down, you're over-reacting," that doesn't help in the slightest way. You think I don't know that the millions of scenarios that filter through my mind daily are stupid? I know these things won’t happen but there’s that half of a percent chance it could, and with that, the possibility. My therapist says, “so what if these things happen?” She has a point though. The worst that could happen is that I get so anxious I end up vomiting, doing something embarrassing, or stupid. So technically I’ll live but I would feel like hiding under some cloak of invisibility for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like disappearing now, before anything actually happens. Some people would say I’m crazy and just acting irrational and I know I am but this fear is debilitating. If I can stop myself from getting anxious I will at almost any cost.
High school has been a journey through hell for me. First of all, I was homeschooled 3rd grade till 8th so I had no idea what high school, or public school was like for that matter. The first day of school was just awful. I did not want to go back by any means. My goal for the day was just to go unnoticed as long as possible. I failed pretty badly.
In the morning I got up and dressed quickly. I went downstairs to eat breakfast, and poured myself a small bowl of cereal. Even though it was barely anything I couldn’t finish it. I was literally shaking. It was just…the worst feeling. I felt like I was getting ready to be tortured. My mom wanted to drive me so I wouldn’t have to take the bus. Thank God. I would have jumped out the window or something crazy. I was shaking the whole way to school but I couldn’t tell if my mom noticed or not.
Finally I made it and reluctantly hopped out of the car. I already had my schedule so I went to my first class; room D139. Apparently I was supposed to go to my “advisory” room first. At that point I didn’t know. I walked into the room and there were about six tables arranged into a square. Most of the chairs were already taken so I ended up sitting in a lone chair by a computer approximately ten feet from the nearest table.
After close to ten minutes, the teacher came in and started taking role. He finished and asked if he didn’t call somebody's name. He didn’t call my name but I didn’t want to say anything. Of course I wanted to be in the right room so I told him. That’s when I found out I was supposed to be in my “advisory” room. He escorted me out and told me to go to the office. I just looked at him like, “and where is that?” He pointed. I went to the office and they told me to go to A300. She noticed I wasn’t moving so she reminded me that it’s straight upstairs and pointed to the stairs.
When I got there, I opened the door. There were walls on both sides forming a narrow hallway for about ten feet. As I walked forward I started to see what lies around the corner. By the time I had a full view of the room, 25 kids had their eyes on me. Nobody with SA likes to be looked at. I want to go home.