This is a true story, about me. My battle is still going on so I have no idea how long it'll take before I can finish this story. This is the story of how I became extremely depressed, self-diagnosed myself with Social Anxiety Disorder, and and began my treatment to get out of this hell hole.
If you feel like me, it's never to late to get help.
These walls bring safety; keep what I fear away. I can’t defend myself because I don’t know what I fear. How can I be afraid of something I don’t know? I don’t have a name for it, no image, smell nor anything associated with it, but a feeling of panic. It’s invisible, odorless, and generates no sound. As far as everyone else is concerned, there is nothing to fear. I know I’m over-reacting but my mind doesn’t. I want to calm down, be serene, but I get tense about nothing. I used to be fine and I don’t know what happened. Did the gears stop? Why couldn’t I continue? What changed? I never liked change but this is beyond change; this is a transformation. I don’t like what happened to me. Something just clicked inside and told me to fear. It’s like I just realized there are other people in the world. I became self-conscience all of a sudden. I don’t like thinking about myself; thinking about other people thinking of me. Nobody pays attention to me but I feel like I’m under watch.
Always searching, but not very far. The answers lay beyond the walls. I dare not venture past the confides of this house. I am trapped by nothing. The door is there, but I can’t open it. How can I be locked INSIDE my house? The locks are on my side but they’re working against me. This house is not a home, but a protecting prison. It shields me from everything. I can’t be exposed to what I want and fear.
Why do I feel this way? Nothing changed but my perspective. I can’t reset it; unlearn. There are other people besides me and they are entitled to their opinion as I am to mine. I’ve known this forever but now it seems to affect me. I don’t care what people think of me but my mind makes a big deal of it and all I want to do is forget. I’ve never felt so caged; trapped by staring eyes.
Leave me alone, you think you know me? You know nothing of me! Get off me! You know as little as I tell you and I told you nothing! You don’t know what happens from day to day. YOU DON’T KNOW ME! I am just a book you try to decipher. It’s not even about me anymore, it’s about decoding me. I show you a plain and simple story. Look closer! There is more than you know.