These walls bring safety; keep what I fear away.  I can’t defend myself because I don’t know what I fear.  How can I be afraid of something I don’t know?  I don’t have a name for it, no image, smell nor anything associated with it, but a feeling of panic.  It’s invisible, odorless, and generates no sound.  As far as everyone else is concerned, there is nothing to fear.  I know I’m over-reacting but my mind doesn’t.  I want to calm down, be serene, but I get tense about nothing.  I used to be fine and I don’t know what happened.  Did the gears stop?  Why couldn’t I continue?  What changed?  I never liked change but this is beyond change; this is a transformation.  I don’t like what happened to me.  Something just clicked inside and told me to fear.  It’s like I just realized there are other people in the world.  I became self-conscience all of a sudden.  I don’t like thinking about myself; thinking about other people thinking of me.  Nobody pays attention to me but I feel like I’m under watch.

     Always searching, but not very far.  The answers lay beyond the walls.  I dare not venture past the confides of this house.  I am trapped by nothing.  The door is there, but I can’t open it.  How can I be locked INSIDE my house?  The locks are on my side but they’re working against me.  This house is not a home, but a protecting prison.  It shields me from everything.  I can’t be exposed to what I want and fear.

     Why do I feel this way?  Nothing changed but my perspective.  I can’t reset it; unlearn.  There are other people besides me and they are entitled to their opinion as I am to mine.  I’ve known this forever but now it seems to affect me.  I don’t care what people think of me but my mind makes a big deal of it and all I want to do is forget.  I’ve never felt so caged; trapped by staring eyes.

     Leave me alone, you think you know me?  You know nothing of me!  Get off me!  You know as little as I tell you and I told you nothing!  You don’t know what happens from day to day.  YOU DON’T KNOW ME!  I am just a book you try to decipher.  It’s not even about me anymore, it’s about decoding me.  I show you a plain and simple story.  Look closer!  There is more than you know.

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