Newspaper article for the Daily Eclipse.
In former, less enlightened times, when the fat and morbidly obese made up a tiny minority in Britain, people felt comfortable with the notion that they were greedy and slothful and there were so few of them, that telling them so seemed safe.
Now that the average sized human feels out numbered by them, he has revised his original prejudicial premise, and it seems that science may have the answers we're all looking for.
Dr Steven Meatcleaver of Stanford University, Longton, has been studying obesity in mice and isolated the "fat" gene.
Speaking at the national conference into obesity in Blackpool Dr Meatcleaver said. "I turned on my television and heard some idiot stating that the clinically obese were fat because they ate too much and drove to their next door neighbour's, and that they should stop and give the money they saved to the malnourished. I was out raged! Once more the feelings of fat people were being hurt. That's when I knew I had to speak out!
I joined forces with a group of scientists working in the Amazon Basin who had made some remarkable discoveries into weight gain among lizards. They found that the lizards that ate from the experimental "free lunch," location became significantly larger than the ones that remained aloof.
These "friendly" lizards became addicted to chocolate and would lie around on easy chairs all day. After studying the foam rubber that stuffed these chairs, scientists there found that they carried a micro bacteria, which they believe resides there waiting for a host that carries the "fat" gene. When one arrives, this tiny living organism, slowly crawls up the unsuspecting host's anus.
Once inside, it binds with the "fat" gene, thus becoming a super bacteria which then compels it's victim to eat it's own weight in food
When I put these two pieces of research together" says. Meatcleaver," I knew that this was the solution we were all looking for! No wonder there were no obese people in the third world, they had no access to easy Chairs!
Now, whenever I see an over weight man or woman, I want to shout out to them, It's not your fault! A bacteria crawled up your bottom or your mother'\s bottom compelling her to crush up rusks and add them to your infant formula before you could hold up your own head"
Could this be an answer to third world hunger I hear you ask? Says Meatcleaver, "It seemed unlikely that we would be able to supply significant amounts of soft furnishings to these far flung places, but now that there is a global recession and many furniture manufacturers are going bankrupt, there is hope on the horizon."