There are so many ways of saying good-bye. So many phrases or words or even gestures. Some of them ringing with finality, some of them trying to avoid the whole issue of separation. That is, in the end, what it is all about: separation. The diverging of realities, of perceptions, from a single, shared experience to two different paths that may (or may not) cross again.
See you tomorrow.
I wish I had said farewell.
It was what I meant. A word that encompasses everything that I truly wanted to say. Everything that I meant. So much more succinct than I actually was. It was just all such a shock, so sudden. Unplanned and unexpected. I hadn't thought of what I would say in such a situation, had not thought it could actually happen. I had not thought the universe would be that cruel, that capricious.
I should have said farewell. I'm not even sure what I did say, not anymore. I was in a daze. Not completely sure it was real, but at the same time knowing it was, that it was the end. I tried to say as many things as I could. Then again, now that I think about it, everything truly had been said.
One thing I know I can say: I have no regrets. I said all the things that I wanted to say, never missed an opportunity to do something, to take a risk. There will be no questions about how I felt, how I acted. I will never lie awake at night wishing I had had the courage to....
Still, it is unfinished. A story only partially told, suddenly ended as though the author had found better things to do. It left me longing for a more satisfactory ending, wanting to hurl the book against the wall in protest that the author could have done better, could have given me what I craved. Except that of all the authors involved, two were powerless. Two were merely characters who only had delusions of being authors, being narrators of their own destinies. No, the true author, whatever you wish to call it - universe, fate, God, karma - cannot be pleaded with for a better ending.
So now I am left with memories and wishes. Hopes and dreams and plans that have come to naught.
And farewell will always linger on my lips, because I wish I had said that instead of good-bye.