Fail Cake!

Just a story about a bunch of twenty-something gamers trying to figure out what do with their lives and trying to not lose every match of their favorite online game.

Hands nervously hovered over keyboards as the loading screen showed various degrees of progress on their computer screens.  MuMu wiped the moisture from her mouse hand onto her shorts before placing her trigger happy right clicking finger tentatively over her mouse.  It was their first time playing a PVP (person vs. person) match and everyone was perhaps unwarrantedly nervous.  It was just a game after all.

 Captain_Raptor had turned them onto the game what seemed like a long couple of weeks ago and proceeded to spread the addiction like a brain hungry zombie virus.  It was a fairly new kind of game called a MOBA, meaning Multiplayer Online Battle Arena.  A group of five characters battled against another group of five characters on a predetermined map.

So far they had been playing bot games and once they’d learned all the mechanics had been doing pretty well against the AI’s.  The intermediate AI’s beat them more often than not but they figured that real people would probably be easier since they might occasionally make mistakes.

The orange bars had reached the one hundred percent mark on everyone’s screen and the battle field arena replaced the image on the screen.  GeeWizard let out an audible sigh as he moved his cursor over the menu and double checked all his settings.

The game was designed for teams of five but they only had four.  Captain_Raptor was filling the role of their Attack Damage champion and moved his grotesquely muscled champion towards the first defense point on the map.  MuMu played ranged characters and in an effort to lighten the anxiety weighing down the rooms atmosphere typed the command to make her lithe elven archer dance around the grassy battle field. 

GeeWizard had appropriately chosen a mage champion and the robed figure appeared to glide instead of run over towards MuMu’s avatar.  specTara was their fourth and not having had much luck with any of the various champion types selected a healer in the form of a scantily clad dryad wielding a glowing orb.

Because they had no fifth teammate they had been matched with a random person online who went by AweSomE920xXx.  His hulking monster served as a tanky DPS champion that dwarfed specTara’s Dryad as he stood next to her.  “I think we have a good team composition guys and if this ‘Awesome’ guy is any good we should do okay.”  GeeWizard adjust his spectacles as he nodded in agreement afraid to take his eyes off the screen in case someone from the enemy team showed themselves early.

“Gah, not a good time to have to pee.” , specTara whined exasperated.  MuMu raised an eyebrow at her sister but had no time for a response as the in game announcer counted down to the impending virtual battle.  “3,2,1 LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!” 

MuMu commanded her character to rush forward toward enemy territory, Gee hesitantly followed behind her.  “um, Mu you might want to hold back.”, suggested her battle partner.  “Why? No one’s here.”, she retorted.  But she’d spoken too soon, the enemy jumped out from behind the terrain and an early 3 minutes into the game a cry of “First Blood” rang out over the computer speakers in honor of the enemy team.

“Really, Mu? “, Captain_Raptor chastised clearly irritated they’d already put themselves behind.  “Everyone play a bit more defensive okay?” , he continued.  Mu crossed her arms across her chest as her character respawned back at home base.

 The announcer’s voice boomed through the small room again, “Two-Zero; enemies”.  

“What the . . .?  Tara what happened?”, Raptor exclaimed.

  “I don’t know that ‘Awesome’ guy just ran under the enemy turret, I couldn’t heal him without getting hit. . . “ specTara was interrupted again by the announcer “Three-Zero; enemies”.

  “Tara!” the group yelled at their teammate.

  “I’m sorry! I was distracted.  I didn’t even realize they were there.”  Captain_Raptor slammed his forehead to meet his palm as the death toll racked up and the enemy advantage was growing.

The game was a surprisingly long twenty five minutes considering how horribly they were losing.  The chat screen was filled with disparaging remarks from the enemy team and a scathingly hurtful one from their random teammate AweSomE920xXx.

HA! NOOBS

U SUCK

Go back 2 playing bots

we rolledyou

abunchofscrubs

4sure

Captain_Raptor was the only one with a positive kill to death ratio and the crushing defeat wasn’t inspiring anyone to stand up for themselves.  Everyone but GeeWizard closed the game stat’s screen so they wouldn’t have to look at their abysmal scores.  Mu put her laptop to sleep and gently latched the screen to the keyboard.  Tara leaned back in her chair and tried to forget about the chemistry homework she should have been finishing instead of playing this game. 

“What went wrong?”, Gee mused almost to himself as he studiously looked over the charts and graphs attached to the game stats.  “We suck.”, Mu shrugged as she made her way over to Gee’s lap and rested her forehead against his shoulder.

“Maybe we aren’t ready for PVP.”, Tara offered a bit downtrodden. 

“We need Fail cake!”, Mu proposed in an effort to lighten everyone’s spirits.

  “We need a fifth player.” Determined Raptor, “That random guy wasn’t cooperating, even if we’re being outplayed with a fifth person we could at least strategize.”

“Hmm . . .maybe, but first cake!”, decided Gee. 

“First, I’m going to finally pee.”, countered Tara.

The End

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