Cage fighting. Only with sages, intellectuals better known for their mental prowess than their physical ability.
"Layyyyy-deeeeees and Gennellmennnnnnnnnn, welcome back to the main feature this evening. For those of you who, like me, fell asleep during the first bout between Gandhi and the fourth Buddha, the judges declared for Buddha during the twenty-fifth hour! A fly landed on Gandhi's eyeball and the judges declared that his involuntary blink counted as swatting the fly and thus was an act of aggression! Gandhi has retired to his dressing room to contemplate his action and a crack team of medics is attempting to resuscitate the Buddha, who might just have achieved Enlightenment during the bout! If he has, you can bet we'll be boasting about that next week. They won't be able to stop us showing the corpse in the advertising this time!
For the main feature tonight we have in the red corner, wielding an impressive array of weaponry, literally armed to the teeth and beyond, the seven legendary sages of Hsin! Each sage has learned a different martial discipline and has mastered his weapon to the point where he considered to be one with it, which we are sure leads to some difficult explaining in the bedroom! They fear no man, though sensible men fear them; they've slaughtered dentists, doctors and hairdressers just while getting ready to come into the ring this evening.
In the blue corner, shivering, looking worriedly around with a strange glazed look in his eyes, we have... some old man we found up a mountain! He was sputtering gibberish and chewing on rocks, which is how our researchers knew he was a sage. He's denied all knowledge not only of weapons, but also of his own hands and feet, which are all so gangrenous that they've been declared hazardous to human health! Particularly his, ahem.
AND THERE'S THE BELL! The seven legendary sages are out of their corner as though we electrify the ropes when the bell rings (that's just an ugly rumour folks, put about by the good people at WWF; that's the World Wildlife Fund for those of you new to the show). Some old man we found up a mountain is attempting to chew through his wrist, and there! THERE! In the first offensive onslaught of the match legendary sage number 3 has hurled sixteen poison darts at some old man we found up a mountain. Some of them have struck... the audience! The lady in the front row with the pearls is frothing at the mouth! She's starting to throw up now! She's -- wait! Some old man we found up a mountain is holding up a paw -- I mean hand. There's three darts stuck in there, should it be that colour, Johnny? Is black normal...? The poison's having no effect, the gangrene is holding it off! This is amazing, laydees and gennelmenn!
The legendary sages have surrounded some old man we found up a mountain and the referee is going in to break it up, and -- oh, that's gotta hurt! The referee is back his corner... and the red corner, and the blue one! There's pieces of him everywhere. That, folks, is how you use a rice flail! I'm so impressed I'm cowering under my chair and behind Johnny; operation HUMAN SHIELD is in effect!
Legendary sage number two has pulled a pole-arm out from somewhere, I've got no idea where he hiding that but he looks like he's walking a little easier now. His hands are a blur as he spins that... what would you call that Johnny? A voulge? OH MY LORD! Some old man we found up a mountain has spat on legendary sage number six, who's been holding back, waiting for a clear shot with his propane-fuelled flamethrower and legendary sage number six is NOT HAPPY! HE IS NOT HAPPY AT ALL! Look at him pull that trigger. Oh my, there goes some old man we found up a mountain! Like a candle in the wind, or in this case like a candle dropped into an erupting volcano. He's a pillar of flame! And so is legendary sage number two! And sage number seven, whose trained for years with concussion grena--"
"Laydeeeeeeees and gennellmennnnnnnnn, for those of you who have any hearing left, it's a victory to the remaining legendary sages of Hsin! Join us tomorrow night, when we'll have more Extreme Sage Fighting for your entertainment!"