Love and fear

There are two emotions humans experience: Love and fear. Everything else is an extension of  those. Even fear could be considered an opposite reaction of love; the fear to love, to fall in love.  

When I first met you, I was enthralled at how well you listened. I could preach my musings and drop my thoughts that would normally fall on dead ears, but you would look at me in the eyes, and not only hear my words, but you found the shy emotion behind screaming to come out. I felt heard. Listened to. I never felt so full and so afraid at the same time. 

You have to be too good to be true. You're playing with me, you have some alterier motive, you can't care as much as you seem to, You're going to disappear at any moment. These thoughts infected me like a plague. The fear of losing someone who so caring, someone who lived to love tore at me everytime we were together. I couldn't fully enjoy being with you because I had this nagging fear in the back of my mind it would be the last time I saw you. Hence my ending all of our encounters with "When am I going to see you again?" 

But I couldn't earn your love with fear. It's like trying to attract bees with smoke. So i squeezed tighter, and you began to feel my fear as well, and we began to push away from each other, blinded to the reality we were living the very events we were trying to avoid.

You opened up my heart, you showed me the breadth of my emotions, and I was overwhelmed by all the colors and the experiences; and I became afraid of the girl who taught me to love. Of course you felt it. I witnessed your face turn cold and it only served to make me more afraid. 

And so we ran from each other. I took myself and my sack of emotions dragging behind me and found myself in the arms of someone who carries hers delicately above her head. I admired that, and sought to share that with her. Who knows? Maybe I can learn to carry all these huge emotions weighing me down so lightly and delicately. Maybe she'll show me how to take away this rotting sack of fear, slowing me down, and maybe she can carry the weight of my love.

Hindsight is flawless, and I realize that thought was foolish. I still carried the same fears, and I carried a longing for you, and even I myself couldn't hold that with all the baggage weighing me down. 

So I let go. 

I took the plunge. I showed you my fears, my insecurities, and I showed you the need to rid myself of them, otherwise I couldn't fully commit to love. You were gracious, you sat with me while I poured my heart out and cried into your arms. The physical analogy was I was emptying my bag of fears, one at a time. And as it became lighter, I realized I could just let the whole thing go entirely. It requires confidence, knowing that she will be there when you need her. It requires empathy, listening to her emotions as well as mine, and feeling them. But it mostly requires trust. A trust that I can fall and that you will be there to catch me. A trust that I can give you my love and I will receive yours in return.

I'm not afraid anymore. 

The final frontier to fully embracing love is letting go of your fears. And those who live in love will find it. And the best part is how love changes people, makes them find themselves.  We bring out so much good in each other. I feel tall as a redwood, and strong as a mountain, and bright as the sun knowing you're beside me. I am Unstoppable, mystical, whole, reassured. With you I feel filled with a glowing light, and it pours out of me, lighting those who can love as well, and blinding those who are afraid. I will fight for you. We were put here to love, and being afraid of that is simply wasted emotion. I believe we truly do have something irreplaceable. I learned to love you fully, without fear. And I love you. 

The End

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