A time of life unremembered by all.
The first pulse. Like a vibrant energy it flooded through me, swirling the elixir of life along my veins where I could feel each ebb and flow, feel my soul laugh as it was imbued with the vivacity of life, reaching a crescendo that’s barely contained by my tingling shell. This is life. A sensation of wonder and miracle; life. But am I living? I feel alive. Each feeling is intense, wild, uncontrollable. The shock of a loud slam will resonate through my body like a deep bass, while the happiness of her shoot’s into my heart like a shrill sharp. Each note is a dripping golden, brightening my dark universe for an instance; a meteor crossing a midnight sky. She is my God, here is my world, this is my religion. The religion of soul, harmony and raw passion. Of peace, heaven and dreams.
Suspended in time, only I, I have carried on living. For those gone in the past, held in the present and unimagined in the future. Each beat comes from the truest love, while each twist and turn is the path of my future. It’s unknown. By me. By us. It is shown here, a blank black canvas, ready to be marked with the glittering blaze of life and love. No fate, no destiny, just life and living. The hardest thing to do; live. The constant fight, struggle. To breathe, to hear that heartbeat, to keep the strength needed to take the extra step. To smile, to love, to be heartbroken. All that I am sheltered from; protected with worry, joy and determination.
I know nothing. Yet, at the same time, I feel as if the whole universe has opened up to me and whispers its secrets into my awaiting ears. Delicacies and numbers, streams of light and dark, blocks and script. It draws me in, rebellion in its nature, but classic in its ways. It pulls me glosser by a thrilling, gossamer thread, stretched taut, preparing to snap, to expel me from its tantalising tranquil life of simple revolutions, closer than further away from its source of heat.
Senses go unexplored. My sight’s limited, but eyes always seeing, gleaning new from old. My ears reaching, waiting for a much loved voice, song, muffled by the obscurity of my situation. Tastes die before they touch my tongue, but still I can feel a ghost taste, a taste I gain from the feel of them in my body. Sweet and lingering. Sharp and instantaneous, as is smell; null. I paint an idea within of what it might smell like; bitter and flat like stagnant waters or fresh like a breeze on the ocean. There is little to touch, to catch, to manipulate. Occasionally, I will sightlessly explore, running my hands and feet along the curving edges, now comforting in its familiarity. It seems to have no substance, whilst being there beneath my small, probing fingers and short, sharp nails.
I lay there alone, undisturbed for so long. I begin to believe I have been left, destitute, unable to fend for myself, weak and helpless. But I know this isn’t true. I sense the heavy beating of her heart and sometimes hear haunting whispers, like notes carried away by stormy winds. And sometimes heat radiates where she places her hand, protecting me from the treacherous unknown, the wild wonders and horrors of the world.
Horror. Its pain, suffering, something I could cause, something I know I do. It’s unintentional. A slight glitch in our genetic makeup. I’m too large, too big, too heavy. This should concern me; it will affect me later. But here, in a space that belongs to me, no invasion, total privacy, I feel as ease. Nothing to share but me, and no-one to share it with. Would anyone want me?
I’m longing for friendship. I realise nothing can hurt me here, no friend to rip away all good emotion, to leave me stranded while I slowly drown in sorrow. But with this comes laughter. For me, it’s incomprehensible. I know of the vibration of joy that bubbles and topples over, it tickles me as it flies past; secondary. Not me, her. It is like the Sun, blazing through chill grey clouds before it’s once again hidden, but always there, always ready for the brief parting that allows the light to radiate down. Oh, to have someone stood beside me; the bond of a brother, the connection of a sister, always there to soothe away the problems of the day.
Nightmares. Of claustrophobia, tight spaces no air to breathe. I awoke; the nightmare continued. I had no breathe to fill my lungs, nowhere to run, to feel the fluidity of movement, the pull of tendon and muscle. But then I hear it. The high, melodic voice that flows like the blood -life- that connecting us. Wherever the chiming touches, it soothes, calms, quietens my raging fear. It ripples around me in soft waves; an ocean to douse a dwindling fire. My body relaxes, settling into the pause of my heartbeat and the tranquillity of dreams of sweet melodies.
This must be the end. I have been expecting it. Blank periods, devoid of dreams, stretch on, my time conscious lessening. But I never imagined it would be like this. My feather-soft pillow torn away in a torrent; swift movement followed by a jolting stop. The next is blurred by my panic, it clouded my mind and clenched at my chest, cold and unforgiving. Then it’s gone; the breath I need abruptly cut off. No warning. No time. I close my eyes waiting for the inevitable. Just waiting. My heartbeat slows, I feel it pounding, breaking my chest in its futile attempt to live. I begin to drift and the world contorts around me, beckoning me, teasing me with its brilliance, always out of reach, its heat just brushing my fingertips before I fall away.
The bright light shocks me out of oblivion, drawing a sharp cry from my parched lips. The sound stuns me; it’s too loud, my ears burn at the intermingled and clashing noises. I try to shout; try to move away from the hands touching me, hands that are sending ice into my veins, just warmed with the clarity of life. The panic returns in one swift crushing wave. Pure terror shoots through my body, an emotion I have never experienced before in my secluded utopia. My mind races, but I am helpless; a china doll in a giants hand. I stiffen at the sound; a sound so familiar to me I could draw it with my hands, and yet, at this moment it sounded alien. I was clenched against a warm body, its heart thudding in its chest, comforting me. My erratic heart slowed, and a melody began. It was joined by a deep harmony, interwoven and special. The connection jolted through me, and I knew this was the last time I would feel it. Because now I knew that this was my place. Caressed in the arms of an angel on Earth. My God. My mother.