She was smart, talented, optimistic. And her beauty was most certainly not discreet. So, no one could fathom why... how... To this day, the matter remains a mystery, her secret that she's taken to her grave.
My sister was, and still is sacred to me. Our bond symbolized just how close we really were.
But... she began to stop eating, growing smaller and smaller with every day that passed. The procession was slow, at first; but then she got so sick.
We, my family and I, we couldn't perceive the thoughts that plagued her heart and mind.
I had promised her that we would get through this together. But I failed her, I let her down. My promise was broken. Her illness claimed her, seizing her body and killing her. Now, she lives with the angels.
I found her diary, her authentic thoughts and feelings--her inner being. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to read. The diary may have been a revelation for me, a portal disclosing the facts and truths of my sister's world; but it also made me sick to know she really felt that way.
She had written, "All I want is to be beautiful... I know I have great friends... I know they love me... But when I look in the mirror, I just want to cry... I feel weak... I know I should eat... I know I'm starving my inner child..."
I stopped reading after that last sentence... I just couldn't go on. Nor could I imagine why she would feel that way. When any girl saw her, they wanted to look like her, be her. So, it just didn't add up.
But I had to trust the credibility of her pen, her handwriting, her. Unseemingly as it was, it's obvious to me that she did feel that way.
I'll always miss her.
I'll always love her.
But most importantly,
I'll always remember her, I'll always need her.
And even though I can't see her right now, I know she's still with me, that she's by my side every step of the way, guiding me and telling me to listen to my heart. Because of her, I know that I'm beautiful, that every one is beautiful.
And I can learn from her mistakes, from her successes and failures, and I can live my life. I can be. Just. Me.