The SUV rocketed down the road as I adjusted my tie for the fourteenth time. It had a picture of a kitten on it appearing as if it was clutching to the tie for dear life. He had sunglasses and was saying "Hang in There You Cool Cats". It was the greatest tie I had ever worn, which was, of course, the problem.

"So, what's your plan?" Jane asked as she took a sharp right nearly causing my face to slam into the window.

"Well, I suppose I'll just wing it." I said, "You know, maybe ask them about the weather."

She shot me a look and grunted as she stamped down on the accelerator, causing a small car to honk at us.

"We have plenty of time." I said. "We're not in a car chase or anything."

"Not yet." She said hungrily.

Then again, from what she had told me. She wanted this to end in bullets and explosions.

'Maybe her fated monotony will cancel out this cruel twist and everything will end up fine.' My brain suggested.

Two strings of fate.

The unstoppable force.

The immovable object.

Who wins?

'Sounds pretty epic!' Said that dark, annoying voice in the deep recesses of my mind.

"Shut up." I mumbled.

"What?" Jane asked screeching left at a yellow light.

"Nothing." I said as I saw the huge storefront of WinCo loom in the distance. The car let out a horrible noise as she slammed the brakes and pulled off onto the shoulder.

"This is where you get off." She said, "You have about 10 minutes before the meeting is supposed to take place. Remember, head straight to the dairy aisle. Near the gouda. We'll be listening in, so no funny business."

"Wouldn't dream of it." I said climbing out. She had parked infuriatingly far away from the entrance, but I was able to hoof it there within 5 minutes. I made it to the right aisle with moments to spare though I was alone.

I shrugged and walked over to the bulks of gouda cheese and began poking and prodding at the stuff. I sniffed at one chunk, set it down, then sniffed at another. I wasn't sure this was how you check the freshness of cheeses, but it beat doing nothing.

He turned the corner and I almost let out a disgruntled moan. A man walked up to me with a briefcase. He was wearing a trench coat and a fedora. His eyes were covered with large aviator sunglasses and a red and yellow striped scarf covered the rest of his face. It made me realize that the weather outside was actually sunny. It was unseasonably warm for spring.

"Mrumph." He said. Or, at least, that's what it sounded like.

Taking it as a queue, I let my mouth hang open. I realized that I wanted to blunder this somehow that didn't end with me dying...but I truly didn't have a plan on how to do this.

I said the first thought that came to my mind. A default reaction.

"So how about this weather?"

He nodded slightly. Pulled down his scarf so his voice was less muffled and replied. "Yes, great here, but I heard it's raining in Spain."

I stared at him.

It was too easy. There was no way these guys made their code phrase this asinine! I had to let it out.

"No big deal. I heard it falls mainly on the planes." I said hating myself.

He positioned the scarf back on his face, set down the breifcase, and walked away. I couldn't bring myself to touch it though.

'That wasn't epic.' I consoled myself. 'That was just stupid.'

"ARE YOU [CENSORED] KIDDING ME!" A voice crackled into my ear causing me to nearly pee myself. Jane apparently had heard the entire conversation from the nearly invisible earbud they had given me.

"I told you." I said to nobody imparticular but specifically to Jane. "Weather is always the way to go."

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Author guidance for This story

Alright, so this might be a bit confusing, but it might make sense!

As you can see, my profile has An Epic Story of Mediocrity and now Epic Tales of Mediocrity. They are, in fact, one in the same.

This one is going to be the full one, but I needed to separate it because I'm doing this for NaNoWriMo to reset my word count.

I will be writing this story as if you hadn't read the first three chapters (Though obviously the confusion you currently feel might be more clear if you read the original 3 chapters in Epic Story.)

Anyway, comedy writing! Let's see if I can do it!

Remember that NaNoWriMo means no copy eidting so...sorry about the glaring errors!

updated Nov 1 '11 by Pick1