Epic Tale of Mediocrity [NaNoWriMo]

Mike Leuger is a man literally cursed with a mundane existence. Suddenly he is thrown headfirst into an epic world of ninjas, spies and romance. How can he keep the status quo?!

On The Subject of Hiding Corpses

I stared down at the corpse in front of me with trepidation. This wasn't supposed to be my life! I wasn't supposed to deal with ninjas ever. I was Mike Leuger. Average guy working in data entry for a no name company.

'That wasn't epic.' My mind assured me. 'Nope. Just an ordinary ninja, killing himself in an incredibly ordinary way. Nothing to see here!'

The screaming in the background finally ended as I took large gulps of air. It wasn't me, screaming though. Total coincidence.

"Alright." I said out loud wiping some of the blood from my eyes as I tried to work through the situation. "What would an ordinary person do in this ordinary situation?"

Hide the body.

Clearly that was the most rational and ordinary thought that crossed my mind.

I locked the door to the copier room of my bland office with its bland employees and went onto my bland work of hiding a body in one of the cupboards where they normally kept stacks of paper.

I grabbed the hilt of the wicked blade that Adam had jabbed through his own torso and pulled. It released with a slurping sound. I walked over to the hole in the ceiling where he dropped through and slid it back inside. Quickly finding the tile he had removed in the ceiling and placing it back.

This task finished, I grabbed the stacks of paper in the cupboard and moved it onto the table. I grabbed a few and used them as a napkin to wipe away some of the blood that was beginning to congeal on my face.

"Oh man!" I said extremely loudly. "So much barbecue sauce! This stuff got everywhere!"

The alcove I had created was small, but after folding Adam into the fetal position he fit okay. The door to the cupboard didn't want to shut though. I sighed. I grabbed some plastic twist ties and created an intricate binding system on the handles to lock it shut.

I took a piece of paper and wrote "DO NOT OPEN. BROKEN!" on it and stuck it to the cupboard with a piece of tape.

I took a moment to admire my work with a small nod. This would totally work.

I cleaned off as much of the blood of my face and hands as I could, throwing the bloody paper into the waste basket. There was a dark red streak across my shirt, but I wouldn't be able to deal with that for now.

I unlocked the door and walked out into the office muttering profanities about barbecue sauce and my own clumsiness. There were a lot of people staring at me.

I ignored them. Average old Mike with his average barbecue stains. What a goof!

There was a tweed jacket hanging in my cubicle for more formal occasions. A perfectly respectable jacket, and not weird in any way. Those hipster kids took my fashion and started wearing it ironically, but not me. I genuinely enjoyed my tweed. I had a need for tweed.

I put it on and smiled. Back to work!

The slow tick of the clock began pounding at my brain. I wanted the day to be over, but I would never leave early. I checked the time. 10:31 AM.

Son of a Biscuit.

I made it two minutes before men in dark suits came to my cubical. I turned and smiled jovially at them when their shadows fell across my desk.

They were large men with big broad shoulders and very big shoes.

"What's up gents?" I said keeping the smile on my face though my stomach was doing flip flops.

"Mr. Leuger. Please come with us." One of them said.

"Right now." His companion said with a look of disgust.

"Well, I'm very busy right now." I said trying not to vomit on their big, shiny shoes. That would be terribly extraordinary.

"Now." The first one said in a way that garnered no further discussion.

What choice did I have? I went.

The End

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