The Bundle of Love
When Dave searched the final corner of the room,
Instead of finding nothing (and eternal doom),
He stepped on a big lumpy bundle of stuff,
which responded, in a voice that was grumpy and gruff,
"Arrrggh what the hell are you doin' here?"
and Dave gasped, and jumped a few feet in the air,
He calmed himself quickly and tried not to shout,
"I uhm... got stuck here... and I can't get out!"
The lumpiness growled and gurgled in its heap
as if it'd just awakened from a very long sleep.
"Can't get out? What the hell d'you mean?
Ain't no roof on this place, haven't you seen?"
"Well yes," Dave replied, with an annoyed sigh.
"But I haven't got a boat or wings to fly.
And I can't climb the walls, they're too slick and straight!
Oh, won't you just help me and not be so irate?"
Is that Spanish? Surprising how many words can be read in French without too much difficulty. ; )"
The Santa part was pretty interesting, Faltarego. Guess I'm just getting a little tired, must be why I'm make so many mistakes...ZZzzzz"
Now it's like it's gone, and then it appears on the ground. Could that be workable?"
I did the same mistake! I was so used to the ring there that I forgot it was gone!!! And only 27 min to fix it!!! Aaahh!!"
I don't know why the "then" sticks out like that, it was like that in the preview but not in the edit. I tried playing around with spaces but that didn't work.
I like Snowstormfir's Santa, how he just pops in and out. When I first read the comment I was like "OH shoot!" now we have Santa on our hands, but then I read it and now it's one of my favorite moments."
for during Christmas, summer it be
for then the only place where it's cold
is the ice skating rink, but that's getting old
but now it happens to be autumn in may
and all the little kids, in the leaves they play
they come home all covered in grass and stuff
but yet of autumn they cant get enough.
Winter will come later on in the year
but we do not get snow around here
occasionally there may be some white
but its usually ice, and that's still a might
why am i wasting time rhyming in comments
when writing in story i could commence
commence and comments are way too the same
and now this comment is starting to get lame."
although my fingers may start to get numb
for over here in New Zealand you see
It is holidays time, so much time for me.
btw i have read the whole storyline now, hopefully no more mistakes in the future =D"
Just keep an eye on where the story is going, it was really a minor mistake, I think I made it sound worse by going on and on about it, again that was brought to my attention by Rachel.
Neither her nor I are telling you not to post, you're doing a fabulous job my friend.
I'm the last person on this site that wants to inhibit anyone from writing. I would hate to think that I made you feel like you shouldn't post anymore because that was not my intent at all.
Rachel and I are both expecting more branches from you and I swear to God if I don't see one I will hound you for the rest of your days hahaha...I dunno if thats a threat or a compliment :P"
I was going to just ignore the sentence about the ring and pretend like it just didn't happened. But I like your solution too. Nice work."
Once again Snowy, you did an awesome job on the writing, just follow the storyline from now on my friend.
And if you think this is mean, usually Rachel is the nicer one, and I'm about ten times worse with my comments than she was...haha just joking though I wasn't being mean. I even gave it a five for the great work and the fact that it was great writing.
Just for Rachel's sake, follow the storyline, cuz I will back her up!"
Anyways the reason why I'm going to be nicer is that I like your style, I like the rhythm, and I like the rhyme, but you just need to pay attention to the storyline. It does clearly state that Seamus took the ring from Dave. Its not an enormous deal I'll just come up with a patch to explain why Dave has the ring again.
I like your writing style for this story like I said, its better than some of the things I sometimes come up with, cuz I get lazy :P, but I do follow the storyline so make sure, and this is to anyone, make sure you read the entire thing before just posting!"
I guess it just went to the latter, but thats more fun cuz it gives us constructive reign, we can pretty much throw whatever we want in there now with little or no recourse."
Cool, actual real meaning to the words!"
I just found a list of Gaelic phrases online, so if you feel like making Seamus do some magic, find a cool phrase. There are some rather strange ones that could be used interestingly in the future.
Also I'm officially requesting that Seamus not be killed. I like him too much now. You can make Dave separate from him, but I'll just bring him back. Muahahaha"
When Rach and I write it we try to keep it in one post. Also just make sure you separate your paragraphs properly.
I know the sentencing is annoying sometimes cuz it spaces it out every time you hit enter.
What I found was if you hold shift and hit enter it keeps the spaces out and you can save that none shift enter for when you want a new paragraph.
Good ideas though, just try to keep them in side one post so it flows.
Looking forward to more."
I used to be that way to. The thing to do is just copy the way that the person that preceded you wrote it. In this case, four lines a paragraph, and every two lines rhyming.
Also you were on the right track with the rhyming but try to keep the words closer together, so that its almost blatantly apparent that you're trying to rhyme.
I know its doesn't seem clever but in a way it is because you've figured out words that end the exact same.
Keep working at it I'd like to see another post."
Really nice writing by the way. : )"