A Visit From...
As Dave watched in horror, the eyes closer drew.
He hadn't a notion of what he should do.
He looked up and down, and he looked West and East,
But each passing moment, his options decreased.
He closed his eyes tight, and he thought and he thought,
But those notions of doom, well, they couldn't be fought.
He took a deep breath and prepared for his fate,
When out of the darkness, a voice called, "Now, wait!"
The red eyes stopped moving; Dave let out a breath.
It seemed he'd been spared from a quite early death.
A rustle of leaves told him someone was near.
And then, from the gloom, a round man did appear.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples — how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
Dave squinted hard as he took in this sight,
This red-clad, bearded man who emerged from the night.
The man looked perplexed, as if Dave ought to know 'im.
Then he looked 'round the scene and said, "Sorry. Wrong poem."
The man disappeared just as quick as he'd come,
Leaving Dave feeling nauseous, neglected, and numb.
The red eyes were moving now, pausing no longer,
And Dave... well, poor Dave wasn't feeling much stronger.
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Where do those stairs lead?
What lies at the end of them?
How will Dave avert the oncoming War and save Molemullian-kind?
Will he ever get to use that key?
When WILL he get to make a toilet-stop?
I'm just itching to find out!"
Not singling any authors out just saying, if you're going to rate...rate everyone."
And I've added a little. I hope it's in keeping
With all of the rest of this fabulous ode
Now I'm off to bed, lest I turn into a toad. :)""
I'm the last person that wants to be a jackass to anyone as I've had the brunt of negative criticism, but I think in this case it just needs to be brought up.
Otherwise good addition, your mind is in the right place, just look over it and make sure you are constantly rhyming. I know its hard but once you get into it, it's like riding a bike."
Is that Spanish? Surprising how many words can be read in French without too much difficulty. ; )"
The Santa part was pretty interesting, Faltarego. Guess I'm just getting a little tired, must be why I'm make so many mistakes...ZZzzzz"
Now it's like it's gone, and then it appears on the ground. Could that be workable?"
I did the same mistake! I was so used to the ring there that I forgot it was gone!!! And only 27 min to fix it!!! Aaahh!!"
I don't know why the "then" sticks out like that, it was like that in the preview but not in the edit. I tried playing around with spaces but that didn't work.
I like Snowstormfir's Santa, how he just pops in and out. When I first read the comment I was like "OH shoot!" now we have Santa on our hands, but then I read it and now it's one of my favorite moments."
for during Christmas, summer it be
for then the only place where it's cold
is the ice skating rink, but that's getting old
but now it happens to be autumn in may
and all the little kids, in the leaves they play
they come home all covered in grass and stuff
but yet of autumn they cant get enough.
Winter will come later on in the year
but we do not get snow around here
occasionally there may be some white
but its usually ice, and that's still a might
why am i wasting time rhyming in comments
when writing in story i could commence
commence and comments are way too the same
and now this comment is starting to get lame."
although my fingers may start to get numb
for over here in New Zealand you see
It is holidays time, so much time for me.
btw i have read the whole storyline now, hopefully no more mistakes in the future =D"
Just keep an eye on where the story is going, it was really a minor mistake, I think I made it sound worse by going on and on about it, again that was brought to my attention by Rachel.
Neither her nor I are telling you not to post, you're doing a fabulous job my friend.
I'm the last person on this site that wants to inhibit anyone from writing. I would hate to think that I made you feel like you shouldn't post anymore because that was not my intent at all.
Rachel and I are both expecting more branches from you and I swear to God if I don't see one I will hound you for the rest of your days hahaha...I dunno if thats a threat or a compliment :P"
I was going to just ignore the sentence about the ring and pretend like it just didn't happened. But I like your solution too. Nice work."
Once again Snowy, you did an awesome job on the writing, just follow the storyline from now on my friend.
And if you think this is mean, usually Rachel is the nicer one, and I'm about ten times worse with my comments than she was...haha just joking though I wasn't being mean. I even gave it a five for the great work and the fact that it was great writing.
Just for Rachel's sake, follow the storyline, cuz I will back her up!"
Anyways the reason why I'm going to be nicer is that I like your style, I like the rhythm, and I like the rhyme, but you just need to pay attention to the storyline. It does clearly state that Seamus took the ring from Dave. Its not an enormous deal I'll just come up with a patch to explain why Dave has the ring again.
I like your writing style for this story like I said, its better than some of the things I sometimes come up with, cuz I get lazy :P, but I do follow the storyline so make sure, and this is to anyone, make sure you read the entire thing before just posting!"
I guess it just went to the latter, but thats more fun cuz it gives us constructive reign, we can pretty much throw whatever we want in there now with little or no recourse."
Cool, actual real meaning to the words!"
I just found a list of Gaelic phrases online, so if you feel like making Seamus do some magic, find a cool phrase. There are some rather strange ones that could be used interestingly in the future.
Also I'm officially requesting that Seamus not be killed. I like him too much now. You can make Dave separate from him, but I'll just bring him back. Muahahaha"
When Rach and I write it we try to keep it in one post. Also just make sure you separate your paragraphs properly.
I know the sentencing is annoying sometimes cuz it spaces it out every time you hit enter.
What I found was if you hold shift and hit enter it keeps the spaces out and you can save that none shift enter for when you want a new paragraph.
Good ideas though, just try to keep them in side one post so it flows.
Looking forward to more."
I used to be that way to. The thing to do is just copy the way that the person that preceded you wrote it. In this case, four lines a paragraph, and every two lines rhyming.
Also you were on the right track with the rhyming but try to keep the words closer together, so that its almost blatantly apparent that you're trying to rhyme.
I know its doesn't seem clever but in a way it is because you've figured out words that end the exact same.
Keep working at it I'd like to see another post."
Really nice writing by the way. : )"