This poem isn't epic
But, I am.
Now, I traverse the plains and mountains,
The charred valleys, of Tyria--
The girl who even at 15 refused her best friends' requests to play Magic
("It's just so stupid...")
Is a ranger/monk, specializing in archery and beast mastery,
And one good smiting spell.
I call myself Panda Mc Chai
Panda Mc Chai, I tell you!
And the Charr--that's the race that go 'round charring valleys, haha, so clever--
They fear me.
Well, they don't. They're only dumb beasts,
Defiling the jewel of our fair city, sweet Ascalon,
And I will make them pay, one by one;
Me, and Dean Mcsozzled (you may know him as 'Douglas', in this life)
And my computer-generated henchmen (Stefan and Orion are my favourites)
And let us not forget Rurik, prince of this land,
Who guides us all to nearby Kryta for our safety.
Prince Rurik is dead,
Slain in the forests near The Frost Gate,
While keeping us safe from the evil dwarves that invariably live in cold, inhospitable, mountainous, fantastical regions.
So we carry on alone,
Leading the refugees to Kryta, keeping (almost) every one of them safe,
Until we speak to Warmaster Tydus, or Mhenlo, or Ranger Aidan, and then....
You know what? I don't have time for one more quest, tonight.
I will not Enter The Mission,
(It's just so stupid....)
I'm going to go watch The Godfather Saga for the 15th time, and perv over Al Pacino,
While my boyfriend A) sleeps, or B) patrols the outskirts of Ascalon.
I am never having sex with him again.
But, tomorrow, I am sure I'll be happy
To march, nay, stalk back into Piken Square, or Nolani Academy, or the Diessa Lowlands,
Miss Molly (my beast!) at my side,
And slay trollocs, I mean, orcs, I mean, Charr,
Until I'm cross-eyed with fatigue and the RSI in my wrist is playing up again.
I'll just tell myself it's my 'bow arm' and I'm like a Viking,
No, I AM a Tyrian ranger,
Forcing myself to fight, for the good of my land, in spite of injury to myself,
Honouring the gods of my land,
And vanquishing all that is evil,
In spite of my creaking tendons.
I am Panda Mc Chai,
I feel no pain,
I am epic.
I am a loser.