Dear Alex ♥
I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into. I’ve been researching your Michelle and she’s not as perfect as she seems. She’s got some history with this guy, Grayson, and she even kissed another boy while you two were ‘involved’ at the time. You really want to be with a cheater? This isn’t like you, Alex. To pick up someone you know will deceive you. Don’t date her. Save yourself the pain by breaking up now and not in a year, if you ever last that long. She’s just a stuck-up person who thinks she’s too good for anyone. That’s why in sixth grade she avoided you. Always running away from the prodigals of life. You don’t want to be with a dreamer. You can’t control what she thinks. I bet she dreams about Grayson every night, seeing his face instead of yours when she kisses you. She’s still in love with Grayson no matter what you think. Yes, she has known you longer, but only by one year. She claims he changed her life completely; he’s her biggest impact. Really, she’s not good for you. I’m just trying to save you here, Alex.
It can’t be true. Michelle doesn’t still love Grayson. She told him a few months back that she only loved him. But then… she was wearing the locket he gave her. If Grayson’s picture was still in there, Michelle for sure still likes him. She should be over him by now. She said she was trying really hard to forget him.
Another message came up.
PS. Here’s proof she still loves Grayson.
A website was followed. He clicked on the link. A very long poem called Autumn’s Goodbye appeared.
Someone once told her,
“Everything gets better,
Even if it gets worse first”
She stared at the words in torture
And can’t help but think, “what a liar”
But in truth, it was all reversed
She wished everything would be alright
Like he said
But it can’t happen, because
(She) Can’t put up another damn fight
Rather go to sleep instead
Forever in heaven
Back to the beginning
She was floating on every cloud
Barely tuned in to the real world
Then everything came crashing
When he started to ignore the poor girl Lived in denial, shut in a dark box
Nights drag by with long sobs
That never STOPS
Wants to get out of the terrible shock
The pain won’t cease to throb
The whole universe seems to drop
Then he returns
After waiting for so long
She hesitantly recovers
To be friends was all she ever yearned
They acted like nothing was wrong
But he never noticed how much she suffered
As the rain pours down
Swallowing her tears
Staining her soul
Sadly she can only think of one noun
And wishing he was here
And hoping he’d bring along the heart he stole
The tears are put on pause
She heard his voice
They meet again
Then she realized the flaws
The sounds she listened to wasn’t real noise
And so she fell apart again.
Does he know how much pain he’s caused?
How scared she’s been?
The very reason why she wants to die?
No line was drawn
Because it was crossed by him Who was thought to be a good guy
He was a jerk,
Left her behind
Was absolutely fake, it never worked
He left her hopelessly blind
A message pops up
Him saying, “Do you like me?”
“Never did, never will,” said the pretender
Except it wasn’t enough
He saw right through the fake story
Cold electricity in the air
Distress clung on to the girl
Time spent was horrid
With the boy, it was all a nightmare
Just a rotten pearl
Every time their hands touched
She’d blush furiously,
And he’d walk away quickly
Though it wasn’t much
It was plenty to get her heart racing
She could barely keep steady
Second semester came
Anxiously waiting to see what was her new class
Standing along in the hallway
Then nothing remained the same
Her heart turned to glass
Frangible, vulnerable, gray
His brown eyes broke the haze
That she’s been trapped in
He joined the other kids
She can’t defeat her gaze
Where can she begin?
Any thoughts of him she forbids
His name was locked in her mind
It made her go berserk Feels like she’s drowning
Running out of air, running out of time
She was miserable
What with losing her best friend and all
He filled in the missing hole
In the place where he belongs in the puzzle
They knocked down the walls
He promised he’ll be there
Whenever she needs to talk
And a smile fell on her face
No longer feeling scared
She heard the door knock
All the sadness was erased
He took her face and kissed her
All the world finally coming into place
And she lived happily ever after.
Sorry, that didn’t occur
He never took a chase
But they did still chat for an hour
Signed off for the night
She plopped into bed
For the first time, she was happy
Dreams of him ignite
She remembered everything he said
The day went on lovely
Her best friend was over
Had a blast
Her life grew brighter
No more emotional injuries
But time went by too fast
Back to being depressed
The boy continues to ignore
Her, every day
Wishing she could just give up and confess
But knowing the consequences, the idea is mediocre
And it would be doomsday
Unexpectedly he starts a conversation
Which completely made her week
Her affection deepened Wished it could happen more often Good thing it was over computer, she couldn’t speak
Alas, that was the last time they ever spoke
And now it’s July
She doubts they’ll ever be friends
Though that’s all she wished for when she awoke
Always she wonders why
On every insult she defends
Him, when he wouldn’t do the same thing for her
Playing her was all he ever did
And left her with a broken heart
In the summer
She tries so hard to forget the story she hid
Attempts to make a new start
It won’t change a thing
He will always be her first love
No matter what
She won’t forget all the laughing
And the mischief that wasn’t enough
The peace between them was quiet
But she’ll hang onto the bullet
That he invisibly shot her with
And all the sad memories
Hanging on to the favorites
Desperately trying to obliterate the split
When will she finally feel at ease?
Regretting that she fell hard
With no one on her side
To help her back up
Forever there is a scar On the inside
Where no one can see under the makeup
Hiding behind her shadow
Concealed under a well constructed mask
Obscured beneath fake smiles
Been flying solo
For so long, it’s not a small task
All the while,
She just wants to break free from the pain
Afraid to close her eyes
And start dreaming again
Walking down memory lane
It stabs her disguise
Ripping it off, then,
All the reveries come attacking
In black and white images
Killing her with every blink
Her aching heart breaking
Too long to where it disappears
She can’t even think
Rushing out of the room
Searching for any place to go,
Anywhere is fine
The big full moon
As she runs for her lifeline
Precisely sitting on the brink of the river,
Her life flashing by rapidly
Wishing she had more time
Something strange is going on in her head
About to give in to the torment
She’s almost at the end.
After all, someone once said,
“Some people just aren’t meant
To be friends.”
That’s a long poem. Such a long poem over one boy who doesn’t give a damn about her. This is very unhealthy. He’s determined to make her forget him. Not for his own sake, but for hers. Grayson has gone beyond the limits of hurting her. He can see her in every line, crying, falling, dying. He noticed the poem was written in July. So, that was a little before she told him she loved only him. She could’ve changed her mind by then. He has to ask.
But not now. It’s one, and he bet Michelle would be asleep. However, she’s a night owl. He picked up the phone.
“Michelle?” he whispered, not wanting to wake up Amber from next door.
“Yeah?” Her voice was weak and small. This could mean two things: 1) she actually was sleeping, or 2) she’s been crying.
“Were you sleeping?”
“Yes and no. I’ve been trying to, but there’s a lot on my mind. So I’m writing another poem.”
“About that,” He has to be very cautious with his words. “I read one of them.”
“Oh? Which one?” she said curiously.
“Autumn’s Goodbye. The one about Grayson.”
“Oh.” Is she going to protest or stay silent? “Listen, that was written like, three months ago. My point with that was to explain the history of him and me. Don’t worry, I don’t love him. I don’t even see him anymore, really. We’ve got a big school, you know. It’s pretty hard to find a specific person. As long as I don’t see him, I’ll be fine. Promise.”
“Okay. I trust you. I believe you. I feel so much better now,”
“That’s good.” She yawned.
“You should get some sleep,” he recommended.
“No, no. Once I start a poem I can’t leave it. When I’m done, I’ll turn off the computer.” “What’s it about?”
“Nemesis. David Gray’s song. Just what I feel when I hear it.”
“Ah. Can I read it?”
“Later. Once it’s finished. I don’t like it when people read incomplete work.” He never knew that.
“I’ll leave you to it. Goodnight, Michelle.”
Hmm. He should’ve asked what the title was. Then there’d be a clearer idea on what exactly the poem depicts.
He shut down everything but his weary eyes.
That was very close with Alex. Of course I still love Grayson. His picture remains in the locket, and always will be. You can’t change your feelings for a first love. It’ll always burn in your heart, the little hope that you may still be with him flickering inside. It’s a pretty hard feeling to ignore.
On Tuesday I went to a volleyball game my mom had to work at her school. I was planning on doing the chapter four geography outline Mr. George assigned to be due in two days, but one of the officials came up to me and asked if I could be a line judge.
“What the heck is a line judge?” I mouthed to my mom as I set my stuff down near her.
“Go with the flow,” she mouthed back. So I ended up giving my mom’s team about twenty points when they should’ve lost twenty points. They crossed the line many times. I don’t know how to judge lines. I don’t even know how to play volleyball. When I serve, it hits the ceiling. That’s why I play softball. There’s no limit of how high the ball can go.
So Legacy won. At least it wasn’t against my school. That’d be bad.
During lunch on Friday, I made the mistake of drinking lemon flavored Gatorade. Now, you may start thinking, “What the heck is wrong with lemon flavored Gatorade?” but every time I have something lemon flavored my throat gets extremely dry and close up, making it impossible to swallow, my rose get very runny and annoying which leads to chafing around my nostrils from so many tissues being used, and my voice is not exactly the prettiest thing in the world. I noticed the difference by the time I was supposed to go to the game with Alex, hoping he wouldn’t realize it, but he did so he made me stay home.
“No, I want to go,” I persisted when we met at my house a little after seven. Mom was going to take us.
“You need to get some rest so you can feel better,” he ordered.
“But…” I trailed.
“Trust me. You’ll be good as new if you stay in. The weather is expecting to be a bit chilly, and we can’t have you catching a worse cold, can we?”
“I’m not sick,” I muttered. “I’ll be fine.”
“Read a book or sleep, just take a break. You’re probably overworked right now, and maybe that’s why you’re slightly ill.” It was the Gatorade, I thought severely. He picked me up and took me to my room, gently putting me down on my bed and tucking in the covers. Then he kissed my forehead, as if he was about to say goodbye.
“Stay with me,” I pleaded. My eyes lingered on his, truly wanting him to be with me. I don’t want to risk him hanging out with Whitney without me knowing. He took my hands and sat against the wall.
“Your hands are cold.” He rubbed them with his to make them warm.
“Thanks.” I kept staring at him. Honey brown hair, deep brown eyes, somewhat muscular arms but not like, steroid muscular (thank God, those are the most unattractive thing a guy could have. Wouldn’t you worry about getting squeezed to death?), and what made me melt was that his purple long sleeve polo was rolled up to his elbows. That’s my biggest weakness when it comes to guys. It doesn’t matter what you look like, I just love this style. He’s everything a girl wants, and he’s mine.
I don’t know how I got so lucky. Why a popular boy chose to take a second glance at an invisible girl, took the time to know me, waited very patiently when I was so stubborn, tolerated my flaws and imperfections, supported me when my best friend almost left, endured my love for Grayson a year ago; I won’t ever know. Guys like Alex don’t come along all that often.
“You’re smiling,” he observed.
“Mhm. Just thinking,” I can’t stop gazing into his eyes, searching for his story, seeing if the love is returned. Yep. Burning brighter than ever, even with my face looking ugly from the runny nose.
I don’t know how in the world he can do that.
Only a short amount of time has passed since he sat down, maybe indicating he actually was going to stay, but I had to ask. “So you’re staying?”
“Of course. I can’t possibly leave you alone, especially when you’re sick. I’m staying until you fall asleep, and I don’t care when it is, preferably really late so I can still be with you.”
“You’re so sweet,” I want so badly to kiss him, but then he’d get sick too.
“Are you hungry?”
“Alex, I ate like an hour ago. The only thing I am is that I’m glad you’re here. I’m already feeling better,”Well, not really. I’d rather not look like crap in front of you,I thought.But you’re here, and that’s all that matters.
“Just making sure you’re alright.”
“Do I have to stay in bed? Can’t we watch a movie or something?” I don’t want to sit around all evening.
“I guess we could. Do you want to go to the loft for the movie?” I shook my head.
“Andrew took the couch, I just remembered. We’ll have to watch it in here with my super tiny DVD player.”
“You pick or me?” I pointed to my collections of DVDs on the ground by my cabinets of junk. He pulled out Zoolander, a Ben Stiller comedy. Male supermodels are hilarious.
The screen is so tiny we had to squish together so we can both see it. Alex’s arm was under my head, his free hand holding the thing so we won’t have to reposition it every time one of us moves. I can feel his breath on my cheek, his fingers rubbing circles on my shoulder slowly. My focus is barely on the film. When he laughed, I couldn’t help but marvel at how musical it sounded, like it was the most pure thing in the world. I feel like I crashed in heaven the second I heard him laugh.
About halfway through the movie I practically stopped breathing just because I’m lying next to a perfect person who loves me even with many faults on the surface. It’s like I’m in a dream, but I’m not. I’m awake.
When it ended, Alex shut the DVD player and pushed it aside.
“Are you feeling better?” he asked quietly.
“Immensely,” I exhaled, finally breathing correctly.
“Hey, homecoming’s in two weeks,” he mentioned.
“Yeah, and?” I teased.
“Will you go with me? I kinda don’t want to be by myself, and all that.”
I giggled. “Certainly I’ll go. I’m practically entitled to. Oh, this is so exciting!”
“Do you want a big or small mum?”
“Whatever works for you. Just as long as it says our school name and the year and the basics, I’m good with it. I can’t wait to start on yours,” Ideas are rushing into my mind, fighting to be the best one.
“That’s great. You won’t be disappointed with yours, I promise.”
“Thank you.” I kissed his cheek.
“Now, how about you try and get some sleep? You look very tired,” Alex suggested.
“But, I wanna be with you,” I resisted.
“Okay.” He fixed my blankets and lay back again, facing me. I have never felt so much in love until tonight. He’s so perfect. “I’ll be here until your mom kicks me out,” I laughed silently. He joined with me and that made me weak all over again. I must be under an influence because I never noticed a thing about Alex before that deemed him so quintessential. A new set of eyes are just now learning the tinier details.
As my own eyes vacillated from staying open and closed, he never stopped looking at me. Time seemed to have stopped forever. I’m unaware of my breathing, my sickness, the objects surrounding us. All I can see is him, his whole being, his beautiful smile permanently on his gorgeous face. Everything else is shut out and dissolved into little rainbow stripes. I’m thinking nothing but how much I love him.
I lose myself in a daydream when he started singing our song. This time I really did crash in heaven.
“Goodnight,” Alex whispered when he finished. He lightly kissed me and moved off my bed and quietly closed the door. I wanted him to come back but I understood he had to go. Several minutes passed.
And I can still hear him singing.