Search the skies and flag down a passing ship

I did my best to set up some kind of communicator to attract other worlds. The trouble is it's hard to exercise your brain fully whilst taking all these anti-psychotic drugs that I found in the Medi-Store. I did manage to get someone's attention... but I hadn't put any Anti-Spam filters on the communicator and so I got picked up by Seleshantor Intergalactic PLC. I'm with them now. They've been trying to sell me: double-glazing; a three-day break on Earth; an actor reading "Better Eyesight Without Glasses" such that it feeds straight into your brain; home insurance; life assurance; holiday insurance to cover a three-day break on Earth and insurance to cover the potential brain-damage caused by an actor reading "Better Eyesight Without Glasses" straight into your brain.

I need help. I'm not going to get it here: these people are crazier than me! I have asked them to drop me off on the nearest planet with an S3 atmosphere but they say that's that horrible prison I've just released myself from and I'll have to stick with them for a while. Truth be told I'm not that bright so I wouldn't know if they're lying or not.

They want me to prepare every night to be a Brain Choc salesman. I'm so embarrassed. I'm a bit shy around people, I now realise, and the last thing my self-confidence needs is being rejected by tribe after tribe on Geldimoss or wherever we're going as I try to sell them the idea that what they really need is some expensive chocolate which will allagedly improve their mathematical ability. I mean, how can that possibly work? Anyway, suppose there's some tribal leader reigning happily over her subjects and some silly blond boy turns up offering to help her multiply 11 by 15 more rapidly and claiming she should eat more fattening, carb-ridden food? Silly. Silly.

To be honest the main thing I'm dreading isn't approaching total strangers, although that's scary enough - my superior indifference was, I realise, a defence mechanism so I didn't have to get close to anybody - it's being told, "No", "No", "No" by everybody. I hate the training I'm being given. They keep clapping me on the back. I'm not very tactile and I don't like people getting into my personal space like that but I feel a bit awkward saying anything. I hate having to sound "loud and confident" and having to "project" and "share my thoughts with the folks at the back of the tribe" and all that stuff. I HATE it! And all that, "Who knows what one of THESE is?" (And you have to whip a Brain Choc bar out of your pocket on the word 'THESE'). I mean I don't talk like that. No-one talks like that. Suppose they don't believe what I'm saying? Suppose one of the tribes sends a report to Seleshantor saying what a failure I am and that I'm the worst salesman they've ever seen? Suppose they send a video to everyone I've ever met of me with them while the entire tribe laughs at me? Suppose they torture me for insulting them? Suppose they have the death penalty and I get executed for dumbing down or something? I mean that's exactly what they might hate, isn't it?

Hold on: I need to take some more medicine. Hold on. Hold on.


The End

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