take the aggressive rout, arm the planet to shoot down anyone who comes near.

I think I made the right decision. I usually do. I really am very, very clever.

I'm not aggressive by nature but I realised that I couldn't surrender all this when people from off-world touch down, I really couldn't.

I've been learning so much. The robots teach me; I teach the robots; the robots teach each other; I teach me. It's like a beautiful, beautiful quadratic equation.

I've been learning about some of the old pop music from the 20th century. I've become very fond of the music of someone called Cher. I've been learning to dance. You can never get bored with robots around. Robots are cool!

We've been setting up an ADS. Do you know what that stands for? It stands for Automatic Defence System. It's class - listen to this: the first time The Enemy (i.e. anybody else lol!) comes within 1 AU (why am I still using Earth measurements? Whatever...) of My World, we immediately send out this image of me wearing a military jacket (I look so cool in it!) telling them they've strayed into a Restricted Zone (I LOVE all that chat!) and they're to leave, please, without delay. I appear as a hologram to them slightly away from their main computer. It works even if they don't have a holodeck - that would be so funny: I wish I could see their faces if that happened! I say, "Message Ends" very portentously and I disappear. I give them five minutes and if they're still heading towards us AND we've heard nothing on the communicator here, this image of me comes back again. This time I'm wearing something I cobbled up that was inspired by Mediaeval armour. Funny! I look even more grim this time and - you're going to love this bit - I tell them that they're most unwelcome and that if they don't get the heck off my world I'm going to blast them away and they have one minute to comply and all that. If anyone were stupid enough to ignore all that then, well, they probably really WOULD be up to no good and it gives them five minutes again and then POW-POW-POW! It blasts them out of the sky. I don't suppose that'll ever happen, though. This is great!

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Z3CCT was in charge of all the robots but he and I agreed I should take over as Commander-in-Chief so I'm doing that, now, as well as being the King. There's quite a bit to do around here. We staged an air raid yesterday. It was QUALITY - I didn't inform all the robots it was gong to happen yet they all followed our disaster plan to the nth degree. It was amazing! I had my military jacket on and everything - you should have seen me. Good stuff. At the end of it there was this suspect package and they had to find it (they found it in under twenty seconds and physically got to the area in under eight minutes even though it was miles away). I wish you could have seen it. We cordoned off the area: I was on the loudspeaker going bananas about "This is an evacuation. I repeat: this is a full evacuation" and all that (I always LOVE it when people say "I repeat" and then they say it slightly differently from the first time lol!).

We've had troop-mobilisations and, as Oliver Norton said during the American Civil War: "Drill, then drill, then drill again". It's kept me on my toes organising all of this!

I found such a beautiful mountain. You'll just have to imagine it because I'm here and you're not. It was red at the bottom and red and blue at the top. It was taller than all the others but easier to climb because it doesn't have all those crumbling rocks. From it you could see the little three white mountains and the one green hill that looks like you're still on Earth. I stood there naked in the strong wind. You might have found it too cold but I didn't. I'm very strong.

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It's happened. I'm so excited. Yesterday was the best day since I came, possibly the best day in my life. A spacecraft came within one Astronomical Unit of My World. It's only happened twice before and the others scarpered - you could practically feel the panic on their decks as they struggled desperately to manoeuvre away from me lol! That was good but this was the business: I'VE SHOT DOWN MY FIRST CRAFT! It was too good. I wish I could have that moment over and over again. I'll tell you something for nothing: that mirror got a good kissing after that!

I'm running ahead of myself - I'm too excited! I must calm down. Yes, basically this dirty great red ship came within range. The image of me was sent out automatically and alarms started going off all over My World. They ignored it - it was clearly some kind of battle cruiser. They sent a message back. Ugly brutes. Their captain was shouting stuff - probably obscenities. So we sent the second one, you know, the one of me in armour. He was spitting at it and brandishing some weapon in the one they sent back. I locked on to the 'com, though, so he couldn't switch it off. You should have seen his head going down, puzzled, as he tried to switch off the live image of me. You could almost hear him going, "What?" Then he looked up... and it was too late lol! You could actually see the red fiery flare glinting on the inside of their screen. They were all like "Crap!" and staring at this thing - they must have been going, "How do we get out of this?" Well you don't, mate - you don't. I suppose you've realised that now but it's a bit late! I teleported to the top of the mountain. You might have been scared but I wasn't. It was the very beginning of the Rainy Season (it rains for four months on this planet and you literally die because of the water pressure if you go out at the height of it - FUNNY!). The rain was already hard enough to tear at my flesh and there was blood and rain pouring down me and there was fire in the sky and bits of metal pouring down from where the spaceship got TOTALLY BURNT UP, ladies and gentlemen, I said TOTALLY BURNT UP lol! I was singing and dancing to one of my favourite of Cher's songs. You should have seen me dancing to it on the mountain top as the burning debris fell around me.

"Do you believe in life after love?

I can feel something inside me say

I really don't think you're strong enough, no.

Do you believe in life after love?"


The End

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