Well, that's one more imbecilic moron out of the way. I do like less competition, although one can hardly say that the lunatic who just ran out of here was competition. Anyway, I am confident that the job is mine. Unlike the rest of these fools, who have probably invented all sorts of improbable "facts" to make their story more interesting, I have stuck to the cold, hard truth.
Miss Joanna Smith, age 6, is a sad little girl today. Her cat, a beutiful beige specimen named Ruffles, was hit yesterday, March 17, 2010, by a bus. The bus, which was chartered by Boy Scout troop 3245 to take them on a camping trip, sustained serious damage when Ruffles ran into the middle of Mulberry Lane. Joanna ran after her beloved feline, and her mother, Kimberly Smith, chased after the child. This resulted in the complete blocking of Mulbery Lane just as the driver of the Scout's bus brought his vehicle onto the road. Faced with either hitting a human being or risking a bit of offroads driving, Rodney Paulson chose to swerve. Unfourtionately, he still did hit Ruffles and total the vehicle. Mrs Smith says that Mr Paulson seemed to have something in his ears- "maybe earphones?"- , and that his face only registered fear just before he hit the cat. After going off the pavement, our bus crashed into a fire hydrant, making for something of a comical scene as fully uniformed Boy Scouts ran out of the emergency exists in a drenching "rain". The total damages have been estimated at 6000 dollars, but that is a preliminary geuss only. Also, Mr Paulson is facing charges by QuinkerDale County traffic officials, StarTime Chartering, and an enraged community.
The only "loose end" of this seemingly clear- cut case is what seems to be a robbery. According to Waneth Quincy, Boy Scout troop 3245's master, and man in a hooded sweatshirt bearing the logo Aropostale and large dark sunglasses dashed up to the panicked crowd in what can only be described as a furtive manner, and looked around for a moment before picking up a leather attache breifcase and running back in the direction from whence he came. Our footage then shows a man getting up out of the mass of children and running after the theif. However, all witnesses swear that he had never been on the bus, and Miss Joanna described the man's appearance as "magical". Though a six year- old's opinion can hardly be called evidence, the stealing certianly does add another level of complexity to a perfectly commonplace case.