Electronic Surveillance Elevator

The Electronic Surveillance Elevator(ESE) is a state-of-the-art vertical personnel transportation device ideal for any office, habitat, or even temporary dwelling.  The ESE is designed to ensure your security at all times, no matter who may be visiting you.  It is capable of handling any number of floors between 1 and 168 inclusive; for buildings with more than 168 floors we recommend a multiple installation with optional decontamination chamber module for floors above 168.

The ESE is constructed as a Faraday cage, thus ensuring that no electronic communication methods will function within the confines of the elevator  It is also a safe place to wait out lightning storms, uncommon power surges, and Electronic surVeillance Installation Llama malfunctions.  The ESE additionally houses powerful X-ray and T-ray emitters with a back-up microwave unit.  During any time spent in the elevator the passengers are bombarded with sub-lethal doses of X- and T-radiation.  Detectors placed in the mirror panels that line the interior of the elevator receive the radiation and sophisticated imaging technology is used to provide complete details of what the passengers are carrying, any reconstructive surgery they may have had, and, on two well-documented occasions, trigger explosive devices before they had reached the target zone.

The Electronic Surveillance Corporation does not recommend the use of the backup microwave device for long periods of time due to the tendency of humans to cook.

All Electronic Surveillance Elevators are capable of opening any wall, ceiling or floor upon arrival at their destination.  The means that the elevator can be installed anywhere within the building, and may travel horizontally as well as vertically if desired.  The ability to open the floor upon reaching a high enough level within the building offers a novel opportunity to reject importunement from unwelcome visitors.

The Electronic Surveillance Elevator can be installed where only one floor is present.  People entering the elevator will be subjected to a 'journey' as long as is required while the elevator trembles realistically and provides accelerations up to 3G.  Typically the journey length will be set to provide maximum radiation exposure for increased security.

All Electronic Surveillance Elevators are installed by the Electronic surVeillance Installation Llamas at no additional cost.  Installation Llamas may be purchased separately if desired.  The greeting and floor arrival messages may be set by the purchaser, though the default set of "We're so pleased to have you travel with us today!", "FLOOR 7, currently submerged" and "Missing you already!" remain popular with customers.  Elevator muzak is also available for long journeys, with our most popular lines being Enya sings Slayer and Max Bygraves, the hardcore Belgian nosebleed remixes.

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