Eating Contest

One man attempts to immortilize himself amongst the greatest stoners of all time.

What a way to rope people into this eating contest. Putting it on April 20th. National ‘pot’ smoking day.

            Which by the way has become diluted since the past year. I don’t know why, I assume it’s because I’m sick of seeing all the high schoolers post of facebook about how high they are and how much weed they smoked. I don’t care.

            But anyways, to put an eating competition on 420 with the intent that all college students will have the munchies is a cheap shot to me. As a nation we accept pot as part of our culture. Over 100 million americans have admitted to smoking at least once a week. Yet regardless of that and the fact that it could be a multi-billion dollar commodity if legalized, the government still wont do anything about it.

            That’s neither here nor there. This story is about one man who attempted to rise above the rest in the world of incredible pot smokers. Yeah, in case you were asking there IS a list of the greatest pot smokers of all time. Some of the most influential and groundbreaking people in the world have been marijuana users, like Bill Gates; the face behind the computer mecca Microsoft. NBA superstar Lebron James, one of the greatest athletes of all time admits to marijuana use. Even film great Oliver Stone admitted to smoking pot while serving his country in Vietnam.

            Again, irrelevant. But this one man, named John Gross attempted to be top stoner when he found at that his school was setting up an eating competition on April 20th.

            John was no stranger to eating. This man was built like an ox; tall, rugged and fearless. He’d often could be spotted in the mess hall, eating plates upon plates of food. Even though the schools dining hall wasn’t necessarily famous for their mouth watering meals, food was food to John. Pizza, potatoes, mac and cheese, burgers, fries, pudding, bagels and ice cream, this man would pile his food so high on his plate that he would risk scrapping the top of his mt. foodmore on the doorways when walking through.

            He wasn’t just an eater, he worked out to.

            John had been preparing for this competition for the past week. Eating lots of salad, which is supposed to stretch your stomach out to allow you to eat more food. He said he learned that from a documentary he watched about Kobayashi. You all remember Kobayashi? The man made himself famous when he showed up to Coney Island and ate 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes.

 Even that morning John ate a light breakfast, mostly fruit. Then, due to the fact that he had to work that afternoon, John missed lunch.

            He was ready for the contest. He hadn’t taken his medication that morning, which was to control his hyperness because it’s the 21st century and the doctor’s excuse for every kid who liked to get loud was that he had ADHD, so this would also allow him to eat more. John also had a notoriously fast metabolism, and has to take medication to slow it down.

            The contest was set to start at 9 PM, and it was about 5:45 when John decided to have a few drinks with his roommates.  “How could it be a bad idea?” he thought, “I’ll get a little buzz going, then right before I walk in I’ll smoke this joint I have, then I’ll walk in, eat everything in sight, and walk out the victor and the greatest stoner of Plymouth State”. Hard to argue that logic. John was a straight A Physics student, which means he definitely wasn’t dumb. So that’s what they did, kicked back, had a few drinks.

            Well poor John got a little drunk too fast as him and his roommates started chipping away at a bottle on 99 Bananas. By the time that the eating contest started at 9 o’clock, John had already been drinking for a good 3 hours.

            John and his roommates began the walk down behind Smith hall towards the center of campus to the HUB where the contest was located. On the walk, he busted out his key to success, a tightly rolled blunt, which he planned to smoke all the way down to the bottom, to the point where it feels like the cherry is nipping your fingers every time you take another drag.

            Unfortunately for our hero in this story, John was never good at balancing drinking and smoking together, especially when he was off his meds. The rambunctious teens walked in, hollering and screaming about nonsense. John attempted to make his way toward the stage and began bumping into the crowd of people that filled the middle of the HUB. The staff didn’t like that all too much. Before he could sit down to take place in the event he found himself being escorted from the building and back out onto the sidewalk. John was ejected from the competition. He would never make his mark on the list of all time great stoners and most heartbreaking of all, John went hungry that night.

The End

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