Double O Zero – The Affable Agent

Have you ever wanted to become a super spy? Here's your chance with Double O Zero - The Affable Agent. In this fun-loving take-off of the classic spy/adventure genres, you must rescue Matais, an informer, from the fruity clutches of the Orange Apple. Beware, for there are many perils you must face along the way. Avoid the temporal rifts and enemy spy groups in this interactive story, available for absolutely nothing. Have fun and remember not to take the story with anything resembling seriousnes

How to Play:

This is an interactive story, in which you chose which particular storyline you want to follow. At the end of each paragraph, you will be offered with several choices which direct you to another paragraph.

Introduction:

You slap the alarm clock next to your bed sleepily. It takes you another few minutes to get up and then it’s half an hour or so until you’re barrelling down the highway in your car towards work. You’re a government agent, working for an organisation that doesn’t actually exist. You’re one of their best agents – not that that’s really saying much – which means that you have access to one of the few coffee machines that actually work. The thought of coffee speeds you into the car park, up the stairs and to the coffee machine. Sipping contentedly, you make your way back to your desk and sit down.

Go to 1.

1

Your boss, Commander Periwinkle, enters the room in a rush. He looks over the heads of countless other agents, trying to find the one most suitable for the next important mission. You’re the most experienced agent in the room, but there’s a My Little Pony Marathon on for the next three weeks and you can’t afford to miss it. Do you:

Duck underneath your desk in an attempt to evade the searching eye of Commander Periwinkle? Go to 4.

Or do you remain upright in your comfortable IMATICtm mesh chair, available from the bargain price of $24.99 in all good stores? Go to 8.

2

You make your way to your squashed economy seat without incident, watching the pilotless F-15 Raptor crash to the ground below. You have a relaxing trip, buying a small cartoon of orange juice for $50 and holding your breath as the family in front of you changes their babies’ nappies. After a few hours or so, you look at your watch. It’s about thirty minutes until the plane is supposed to land, but the place you need to go to is right underneath you. Do you:

Make your way to the front of the plane, ask the stewardess for a parachute and jump out of the plane? Go to 6.

Or do you stay in your seat and try to find the gas mask you brought with you? Go to 9.

3

You complete the eighteen day fitness course with flying colours. The instructor says that he’s never seen any one more motivated than you. You’re about to receive your certificate of completion when you slip over and break both your legs. The end.

4

You duck underneath your desk, utilising all of your incredible spy skills. Unfortunately, there’s a bin already under the desk. You hit your head on it and for a moment your spy skills are stopped. But only for a moment. You grab the bin, throw it into the aisle beside your desk and curl up into a little ball under your desk. You wait in nervous anticipation as Periwinkle walks between the many aisles of desks. He walks past yours. You’re about to conduct a silent celebration when he trips over the bin you threw out into the aisle. “Who did this?” he asks in a bellowing voice. The entire room points to your desk. Snitchers. You shamefully make your way out from under your desk and sit in your IMATICtm mesh chair, marvelling at how comfortable it is.

Go to 8.

 

5

You lounge about at home, marvelling at the sheer complexity of the My Little Ponies plot. So engrossed by the complex storyline, you miss your flight. Realising that Matias is depending on you, you sprint to your local airfield and commandeer an F-15 Raptor off the local mafia. You knew it was a good idea to keep them around. You fly so fast that you catch up with the commercial jet that you were supposed to take. In an act of incredible implausibility, shady special FX and dodgy camera cuts, you board the plane, presenting your ticket to the incredulous stewardess as you do so. You realise that it’s going to be a very long flight. Do you:

Present your secret service card and attempt to get one of the empty first class seats? Go to 7.

Or do you be a good little boy and make your way to your squashed economy seat? Go to 2.

 

6

You make your way to the front of the plane and ask the stewardess for a parachute. She tells you that this plane does not carry parachutes for its economy passengers and opens the door. She throws you out the door, but not before beating you to a pulp and squishing you against the floor with the food cart. This is good, because your flattened form has far more surface area than your normal shape. You enjoy a relaxing glide down to the city of Hubus Hubus below, landing softly in a huge pile of animal excrement. The stench of it makes you gag. You stumble to one side, breathing in enough air to inflate yourself back to your normal size. You brush off crumbs of dung. Do you:

Come up with a snappy line to end the scene? Go to 30.

Or do you decide to leave the one-liners to Hollywood and try to find your way to the Orange Apple, the bar where Matias is? Go to 25.

7

Unimpressed with your secret service card, the stewardess proceeds to beat you to a pulp. Bruised and battered, you meekly agree never to try and upgrade your seating again.

Go to 2.

8

Commander Periwinkle smiles as he finally sees you. He makes his way to your desk and drops a thin manila folder on your desk. Any prospect of the My Little Pony Marathon crumbles into ashes as you read it. “You’ve been selected to go on very dangerous mission,” it reads. “There’s very little chance of survival. You must find our informant, Matias and bring him back here. This mission will commence in twenty days. Due to the difficulty of it, you have the option of undertaking a gruelling eighteen day fitness course.” Do you:

Take the eighteen day fitness course like the good choose your own adventure story player that always does the opposite of what they’d actually do in real life? Go to 3.

Or do you politely decline and spend the next eighteen days watching My Little Pony and eating Doritos? Go to 5.

 

9

You find your gas mask in your hand luggage, breathing a sigh of relief. This is bad, because the person to the side of you has just passed wind. You hurriedly jam the gas mask onto your face and breathe in clean air for the first time on the flight. You sit back – well, as much as you can in economy – and relax. The flight passes quickly and within a minute you arrive at the airport. There’s a man waiting for you, holding up a placard with your name on it. Do you:

Escape from the airport on foot at high speed, leading to a dangerous but atheistically pleasing chase scene?Go to 20.

Or do you walk up to the man inconspicuously, then punch him in the face? Go to 15.

Or do you get in the man’s taxi and hope that he doesn’t deliver you to an enemy spy group? Go to 12.

 

10

You stop. The man closes in on you, panting as he jumps over several rooftops. He arrives on the same rooftop as you. He brandishes the gun at you, yelling something about a booking. He flicks the safety on his gun off. Hmm. This doesn’t look good. Do you:

Let him shoot you? Go to 21.

Or do you perform a series of unbelievable martial-arts moves in an attempt to disarm him? Go to 19.

11

You run as fast as you can, evading the man’s bullets with unpractised luck. Eventually, you lose him. You return to ground level and lean against a comfortable stack of hay. Unfortunately, the hay gets pulled out of the way by a horse. You fall to the ground, landing in a huge pile of excrement. You pick yourself up and dust off your brown-coloured shirt. Do you:

Come up with a snappy line to end the scene? Go to 30.

Or do you decide to leave the one-liners to Hollywood and try to find your way to the Orange Apple, the bar where Matias is? Go to 25.

12

The man drives to the industrial section of town. He drives into a garage, dumps you and drives off. Dang. Looks like he just delivered you to an enemy spy group. A crazy-looking scientist with a scalpel comes down a stairwell and lurches towards you. Do you:

Stay behind and let him conduct his dastardly experiments on you? Go to 14.

Or do you run, screaming, into the garage door? Go to 16.

13

You look over the side of the rooftop. There’s a nice bale of hay carried by a horse below. You jump, aiming for the hay, but at the last minute the horse pulls it to one side. Fortunately, there’s a nice soft pile of its excrement below. It cushions your fall. You pick yourself up, wiping the excrement off your impeccably tailored suit. Do you:

Come up with a snappy line to end the scene? Go to 30.

Or do you decide to leave the one-liners to Hollywood and try to find your way to the Orange Apple, the bar where Matias is? Go to 25.

 

14

The mad scientist conducts his dastardly experiments on you. He gives you a bionic eyelid, a cyborg knee and reconstructs your entire cardio-vascular system. After many years of experimentation, you are ready to enter the world of kando, where gladiators fight each other in zero gravity. You become the universes’ best kando fighter and catch all 151 of the original Pokémon. You blow up the Death Star and drown on an ‘unsinkable’ boat. Hold on. You were supposed to be in a spy story! Somehow, you’ve ended up in a story within a story within a story within a story within a story. As you struggle to conceptualise this, the fabric of the universe is torn apart. Unfortunately you are part of the universe, so you get torn apart as well. The end.  

15

You walk up to the man and punch him in the face. Unfortunately your fist, flabby from eighteen days of doing nothing but eat Doritos, barely makes an impact. Realising that the man is probably very angry now, you run away. He follows in hot pursuit (not to be confused with Trivial Pursuit, the game).

Go to 20.

 

16

Your fear gives you strength and speed. Who needs cybernetic implants? You burst through the door and run for miles. You perform incredible, aesthetically pleasing parkour … even though no one is chasing you. Eventually, you run out of energy and collapse into a pile of excrement. The stench revives you. You stand up, brushing off your shirt, which is speckled with flies. Do you:

Come up with a snappy line to end the scene? Go to 30.

Or do you decide to leave the one-liners to Hollywood and try to find your way to the Orange Apple, the bar where Matias is? Go to 25.

 

17

The North street is long and windy. You think about the words of your wise sensei: “When you feel like giving up, please, for the sake of humanity, give up!” It’s a good thing that you don’t feel like giving up yet, then. You round a twist in the road and spot a building shaped like a grape. It’s the Orange Apple! Do you:

Brazenly strut up to the door? Go to 49.

Or do you commando roll to your right? Go to 53.

18

You fall to the ground and attempt to scathe the legs of the soldiers. You miss. Fortunately, you have another trick up your sleeve. You jump into the air and perform an astounding triple backflip, shouting ‘Heeya!’ You land perfectly on your feet. A huge smile appears on your face as you realise that you did exactly what you wanted! Your gymnastics teacher would be proud. There’s always a first time. Unfortunately you did absolutely nothing to hurt the soldiers or escape. In fact, you’re standing on the same spot as before.

Go to 34.

19

You make a swirling gesture with your hands. He pales. You’ve just made the sign of the Erumah, showing that you know the most sophisticated martial-arts on the planet. He starts to plead for mercy when you lash out with your foot, hitting him in the lower regions. He crumples to the ground. You place your hands together and bow.

Go to 13.

 

20

You sprint pass the man, jumping over several stray dogs. He starts to follow you, angry that he’s missed a potential fare. Being the first-rate spy that you are, you climb up the side of a building, leading to a roof-top chase that’s bound to look good in the movie. The man following you pulls a gun out of nowhere and yells at you to stop. Do you:

Stop? Go to 10.

Or do you keep running? Go to 11.

Or do you jump off the roof? Go to 13.

 

21

The man pulls the trigger and shoots you. What on earth could you have expected to get out of that? You slump to the ground. The end.

 

22

You walk east. And keep walking. And keep walking. You walk so far that you end up in the Brightbush desert. Hey! This is where the top secret Zone 32 is located! You’ve heard about the completely top secret area many times before, in ads during the My Little Pony marathon. You’re completely lost by now. Maybe they can help you with directions. Do you:

Knock on the gate and ask for directions? Go to 32.

Or do you trip on your untied laces, stumble over a sandy-coloured lizard, slip on a banana peel and crash into the gate? Go to 32.

 

23

You climb to the top of the sign, realise that you need wood for a fire and climb back down. You gather wood and bring it to the top of the sign. You pause. In the distance, there’s an angry mob of animal rights activists. They’re crowding around a dead pigeon. Looks like you’re going to have to run for it before they find you. Do you:

Go North? Go to 17.

Go East? Go to 22.

Go South? Go to 29.

 

24

The Grim Reaper tilts his head to one side. “We’d all like to survive,” he says, “but sometimes you can’t always get what you want. That and I get commission.” He slices you with his slicer-thing. You die. The end.

 

25

You arrive at a confusing sign. Well, confusing enough for you. According to the helpful sign, you are standing here. Four roads branch out from your position. One road is the one you’ve just come from. The other three roads go in the Northern, Eastern and Southern directions. Do you:

Go North? Go to 17.

Go East? Go to 22.

Go South? Go to 29.

Punch the incredibly confusing sign? Go to 28.

Climb to the top of the sign, gather wood and light a fire? Go to 23.

 

26

Good to know you’re not fooling yourself. The Grim Reaper gives you a pat on the back and sends you back to the world of the living. You shove the crumpled remains of the sign to one side and stand up. Do you:

Go North? Go to 17.

Go East? Go to 22.

Go South? Go to 29.

 

27

You reach into your backpack and pull out a rocket-shaped object. The commander looks at you in disbelief. “Is that a jetpack?” he sneers. You strap it onto your back. “No.” You say. “It’s a miniature jetpack.” You activate the miniature jetpack, filling Zone 32 with smoke.  You fly back off towards Hubus Hubus, slipping on a pair of sun glasses and straightening your bow tie like the debonair agent you are. You’re almost back in the city when you realise that you can’t actually fly a miniature jetpack. Upon this realisation, the jetpack runs out of fuel and begins to splutter. Desperately, you search the ground below, trying to find anything, anything at all that will break your fall. Your eyes fall upon a patch of animal excrement. “Oh well,” you mutter. “Beats stone.” You crash into the excrement. Fortunately, it breaks your fall. Unfortunately, you are now in a lump of someone else’s faeces. Do you:

Come up with a snappy line to end the scene? Go to 30.

Or do you decide to leave the one-liners to Hollywood and try to find your way to the Orange Apple, the bar where Matias is? Go to 25.

 

28

You punch the sign. There’s an incredibly satisfying sound of wood splintering. The sign teeters backwards, but at the last moment a stray pigeon collides with it. The sign stops teetering … but only for a moment. It begins to fall towards you. Do you:

Stand still, gaping, like a ninny? Go to 31.

Or do you try to dive to one side? Go to 31 anyway.

 

29

You arrive outside the front of a gigantic shopping centre. You frown. Did Periwinkle say that the Orange Apple was inside a shopping centre? Maybe if you had paid closer attention, you would know. Do you:

Walk into the shopping centre? Go to 36.

Or do you pull a large fern off a nearby tree and hold it out in front of you as you walk into the shopping centre? Go to 39.

Or do you scale the gigantic complex and enter through the air vents? Go to 38.

30

You shoot a snappy one-liner in the direction of a nearby bin. The bin remains silent. A pigeon looks at you curiously and promptly falls over. Cicadas bustle, breaking the awkward silence your horrible one-liner and the senseless death of a pigeon created. Knowing that it’s only a matter of time before the animal rights activists arrive at the scene, you make your way briskly down the street.

Go to 25.

31

The sign is too big to avoid. It smacks you into the ground like … like … something that smacks things into the ground. You scream an incredibly high-pitched scream, causing various windows to shatter. Do you:

Die? Go to 26.

Or do you live? Go to 24.

 

32

The guards mistake your harmless act of knocking/falling as an all-out assault. Klaxons fill the air with noise. Guards rush around the compound like crazed ants, bumping into people, buildings and boxes with signs on them that say ‘DO NOT BUMP.’ Eventually, order is restored and you are brought to the commander. He looks at you. You look at him. A guard looks at both of you. You both look at the guard. Everyone looks at the guard. The guard looks at everyone. “Enough looking!” the commander yells. “We need a test subject for out new experiment.” He looks at you. “And it looks like we’ve got one here.” Do you:

Scathe the guards holding you with your legs, do a triple backflip and shout ‘Heeya!’? Go to 18.

Or do you activate a miniature jetpack that you brought with you for just this occasion? Go to 27.

Or do you allow them to do as they wish? Go to 34.

 

33

There’s a whirl of colour and noise as you pass through the portal. The colours and noise disappears and you fall onto a sandy patch of ground. You look up. There seems to be the usual things you would expect on Earth. Some trees, a few rocks, a dinosaur, a – A DINOSAUR? It’s huge – easily large enough to swallow you in one gulp. Do you:

Curl up into a ball and hope it doesn’t eat you? Go to 35.

Or do you stand as tall as you can, wave your arms about and below like a butterfly? Go to 40.

Or do you hide within the dinosaurs’ eggs? Go to 37.

 

34

They usher you through a veritable maze of corridors. In fact, the corridors are so difficult to navigate that they get lost several times and have to consult Google Maps for directions. Eventually, you arrive in a gigantic underground chamber … no, they’ve got the broom cupboard. After another few hours they find the correct room; a chamber approximately four cubits square. A swirling portal of blue and pink energy swirls ahead of you. It’s a time machine! Unfortunately it only comes up to your kneecaps. Chuckling menacingly (albeit with a slight cough) the soldiers trip you over and shove you into the portal.

Go to 33.

 

35

You curl up into a ball and hope that the dinosaur doesn’t attack you. You’re in luck – it doesn’t. The dinosaur is actually a peaceful vegetarian. Unfortunately it doesn’t have very good eyesight, so it steps on you by accident. The dinosaur apologises many times, but it’s not enough to bring you back. The end.

36

The shopping centre is gigantic and it looks like there’s some very good deals on authentic™ shoes. Distracted by these amazing prices, you fail to notice a group of shady looking characters encircle you. “Give us yer money,” the leader says. Do you:

Give them yer money? Go to 41.

Or do you point to the advertising banner behind them? Go to 45.

Or do you charge at the window in an attempt to escape the building? Go to 43.

 

37

You scurry through the dinosaurs legs and hide among its eggs. A perfect hiding spot, if it weren’t for the fact that the eggs were beginning to hatch. Within a minute, you are totally surrounded by small baby dinosaurs, who are twice the size of you. They look at you curiously. The big dinosaur comes over to investigate the noise.

Go to 40.

Or do you feel that you want another choice? Go to 40 anyway, you democratic scum.

 

38

You pull a grappling gun out of your pocket. Unfortunately it’s broken from when you sat on it during the plane flight. You toss it aside and scale the building using only your bare hands and the fire escape stairs. You reach the top of the shopping centre and find the air shaft entrances. They’re a little small, but you manage to squeeze through them and into an unused janitors closet in the shopping centre.

Go to 44.

39

You sashay (walk) over to a nearby fern tree and schlep (pull) a fern out. The tree slants (falls) anent (towards) you. Your eyes distend (widen) as the tree plunks (hits) you into the loam (ground). You are contused (battered) and marred (bruised) but at least you have a fern (fern). You walk towards the shopping centre, holding up the fern, to all the world looking like an innocent tree. No one suspects a thing.

Go to 36.

40

The dinosaur takes one look at you and decides to raise you as its child. You grow wiser (but smellier) under the dinosaurs’ tutelage. You’ve almost forgot about your past life when a gigantic meteor enters the Earth’s atmosphere. The meteor is so gigantic that it rips a hole in the space-time continuum. Screaming like an alarm clock, you get pulled into the tear. There’s a whirl of colours and light and all of a sudden you’re back on present-day earth, in a gigantic pile of excrement. Do you:

Come up with a snappy line to end the scene? Go to 30.

Or do you decide to leave the one-liners to Hollywood and try to find your way to the Orange Apple, the bar where Matias is? Go to 25.

 

41

You stand still like a pathetic little pot plant as they close in, laughing menacingly. You are resigned to losing your life savings and suffering a beating when a magical fairy rainbow pony crashes through the glass roof of the shopping centre and spontaneously squishes the muggers. Confused, you wave to the pony as it flies back off into the sky. Do you:

Continue searching the shopping centre? Go to 44.

Or do you make your way back to the signpost and try another route? Go 47.

 

42

Despite your best efforts to not win the ‘squealer of the month’ for the tenth consecutive time, you scream. You land in an open-topped convertible and drive to the airport. Some people try to follow you, but they stand no chance against your incredible spy skills. That and they’re on donkeys. You board the plane with no fuss and within a few hours Matias is safely home and you are standing in Commander Periwinkle’s office.

Go to 60.

 

43

You cannon into the window at top speed. People look on, amused, thinking that it’s some kind of publicity stunt for ‘One Way Trip: the Skydiving Shop.’ Wincing, you tense up, expecting at any moment to be squashed like a pancake on the ground. You land on a nice soft barrel of hay. You relax. The hay is held inside a cart, which in turn is pulled by a horse, which in turn is directed by a whip, which in turn is held by a driver. By the time you make your way out of the hay and the cart, you’re back at the signpost. Do you:

Go North? Go to 17.

Go East? Go to 22.

Go South? Go to 29.

44

You look around the shopping centre for a few hours, finding nothing suspicious but for a few dodgy salesmen attempting to sell you pillows for extortionate prices. Frustrated, you ask someone if they know where the Orange Apple is. There’s a look of recognition in their eyes. You begin to feel excited. They open their mouth and are about to speak when a loud gunshot rings out. They fall to the ground. Your highly untrained eyes whip around, knocking over several pottery displays before you find the assassin. He starts to run off. Do you:

Sprint after him, ignoring the ‘slippery when cleaning’ sign on the floor? Go to 46.

Or do you shrug and walk back to the signpost? Go to 47.   

 

45

You point to the advertising banner behind them. They turn around and are distracted by the amazing offers. “Oh boy,” one of them says gruffly. “I could really go for that pink tricycle.” Do you:

Agree with him? Go to 48.

Or do you seize the initiative and barrel through the window in an attempt to escape? Go to 43.

 

46

You sprint after the fiendish fiend, vaulting over chairs, flower displays and shoppers alike. You round the corner. The assassin is just ahead of you, but for some reason, he’s stopped. And he’s smiling. Too late, you notice the ‘slippery when cleaning’ sign on the floor. The floor’s wet. You try desperately to stop, but it’s no use. You slide and slip down the corridor, heading towards a large window.

Go to 43.

47

You leave the shopping centre, pausing momentarily to smell some delightful roses. Unfortunately, they’re fake. Outraged that someone would fool innocent people with fake roses, you angrily strut away – right into a wall. You arrive back at the incredibly confusing sign. This time, though, you have an advantage: you know the Orange Apple isn’t south. Do you:

Go North? Go to 17.

Go East? Go to 22.

 

48

You agree with him, saying that you hope they still have the limited edition ‘Pony Power’ trike in stock. There’s a few minutes of nodding while they appreciate your incredible style. Then you remember something. “Weren’t you mugging me?” you ask. The leader of the gang nods. “Thanks for reminding us,” he says. They close in on you. Do you:

Give them your money? Go to 41.

Or do you charge at the window in an attempt to escape the building? Go to 43.

 

49

You jaunt up to the Orange Apple’s pear-shaped door like a cocky little rooster. A guard pops up out of nowhere and sprays at you with his PGMWED-454E medium-distance light machine gun, but your swaggering gait throws off his aim. He expends all of his bullets and throws his gun to one side. You pull out a pair of sun glasses and slip them on. He staggers backwards into the wall, blinded by your sheer charisma. You walk into the Orange Apple.

Go to 54.

50

You load a knock-out dart into the blow gun, raise it to your lips and take a huge breath. You inhale the dart. A few minutes later, you wake up with a start. The dart knocked you out! Now there’s only two weapons you can use to take out the guard. Do you:

Use the electro-magnet? Go to 52.

Or do you use the miniature blimp? Go to 55.

51

You open the door to the first room. Inside, a man with an extraordinarily bushy moustache is holding a gun to Matias’ head. You charge across the room and knock the gun out of the moustachioed-man’s hand. You and Matias charge across the room and jump out the window.

Do you scream? Go to 42.

Or do you remain calm and dignified like a world-class spy? Go to 42.

52

You point the electro-magnet towards the general direction of the guard and turn it on. There’s a riot of movement as every single metal object within a hundred meters flies towards you. Shrieking like a boiling kettle, you dive to one side, narrowly avoiding a pair of dentures and a scooter. The flying hunks of metal crush the magnet. The guard peers out from his hiding spot, still holding his PGMWED-454E medium-distance light machine gun. He looks at the huge pile of assorted metal objects, mutters; “nah, couldn’t be,” and sits back down. The air still ringing with the sound of metal, you sneak past the guard and into the gigantic grape that is the Orange Apple.

Go to 54.

53

You commando roll into a wall. Wincing, you crawl along the ground into a patch of bushes. You reach into your pockets and pull out a pair of binoculars. Pointing them at the Orange Apple, you realise that it’s a good thing you didn’t try to walk in. Hidden beside the door is a guard, holding a PGMWED-454E medium-distance light machine gun. You’ve got to take him out from a distance, preferably with incredible style. You lay out your weapons before you. You’ve got a blow gun, a giant electro-magnet and a miniature blimp with a thermonuclear warhead. Do you:

Use the blow gun? Go to 50.

Or do you use the electro-magnet? Go to 52.

Or do you use the miniature blimp? Go to 55.

 

54

The first floor of the Orange Apple is occupied entirely by a bar. On the second level are three rooms. You know Matias is in one, but which one? Do you:

Pick the first room? Go to 51.

Or do you choose the second room? Go to 56.

Or do you select the third room? Go to 58.

55

You inflate the blimp and send it towards the Guard’s position. It looks like a massive white whale. If massive white whales were the size of a shoebox and flew. The guard looks at the blimp for a few seconds, unable to comprehend what’s happen. All of a sudden, he begins to laugh, but it doesn’t last long. The blimp nudges against the guard. Nothing happens. The laughter turns into a roar of mirth. The guard rolls on the ground. Not even having to sneak, you make your way past the guard and into the grape-shaped Orange Apple.

Go to 54.

 

56

You open the second door. Inside is a gigantic dragon, lazily sprawled on top of a towering pile of gold. He opens his eyes and sees you standing in his doorway like a common thief. He growls. Do you:

Wet your pants and run back outside? Go to 57.

Or do you draw a sword from your belt and charge at the dragon like a noble knight? Go to 59.

 

57

You clutch the corridor wall for support. That was just too much. Well, at least you’ve crossed off one room. Do you:

Go to the first room? Go to 51.

Or do you select the third room? Go to 58.

 

58

You walk down the corridor and open the third door. Inside is a portal into another dimension, which has been opened by a slightly mad scientist who has been drinking too much Red Bull. On the other side of the portal an alien army is preparing to invade the world. Fortunately, they’re only a twelve of your size and are armed with marshmallows, so you don’t think they’ll be much of a problem. You close the door. Now you’ve only got two doors to choose from. Do you:

Pick the first room? Go to 51.

Or do you choose the second room? Go to 56.

 

59

You go to draw a sword from your belt, but your hand grasps empty air. You gulp. The dragon advances menacingly, growling like an angry cat. Wait a minute. It is a cat. A cat holding a gigantic cut-out of a dragon in front of it. Laughing, you walk up to the dragon cut-out and poke it. It tumbles to the ground, revealing a fluffy cat below. Angry that you saw through its disguise, the cat jumps onto your face and claws you. Screaming very loudly, you rip it off, throw it towards the pile of treasure and run back through the door.

Go to 57.

 

60

“Congratulations,” Periwinkle says, handing you a gleaming medal. You gasp. It’s the Eastern Emblem, the most coveted award in the entire nation. You’re about to give a big speech when you notice that Periwinkle is looking at you expectantly. “This is a secret organisation,” he says. “You’re not allowed to have any evidence of its existence.” It takes you a second to realise what that means. Then you realise. You take the Eastern Emblem off, look at it once, then throw it in the fire. Unfortunately, the Emblem takes too long to melt, so you have to pull it out, flatten it with a truck and put it in a food processor. You’ve lost the only relic of your incredible adventure, but at least you’ve had the experience. The end.

The End

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