It was only after that, that I started to feel the cracks. I lost a considerable amount of weight over the next couple of weeks and had continuous anxiety attacks which lasted a little over a month. I felt ill and tired all the time and decided that I needed some time away. I phone my Auntie Sue and went and stayed with her for the weekend. She gave me the advice I needed and pointed me in the right direction and so, on my way home, I posted the letter which had written up there through his letterbox, making a brief stop at his house. I was tremendously relieved when his car – nor Chris’ - was on the drive. I posted the letter, short and sweet, and walked away, without ever looking back.
Almost a month after the 19thof March, I still hadn’t found anyone to buy his ticket off me. I missed him so much and I genuinely didn’t know what to do with myself. I made the decision that I would just post the boarding pass through his letter box, and if he came to the airport on Tuesday, I would try my best to try and be friends with him. And if he didn’t… then that was the easy option. The option which made most sense. I texted him on the morning of the 10thApril;
“I still have a boarding pass with your name on it…”
Since I had completely wiped him from everything I had, my phone, Facebook and my iPod, I was somewhat glad I had decided to write his mobile numbers in the back of my diary. It was something I did when this happened. I’d completely cut them out and try and forget about them, but keep the contact details in the back of my diary. Just in case.
I sent the message and waited for hours. As the late afternoon drew in, I decided that enough was enough and I was just going to drop the letter through the box whether he liked it or not. I was driving, trying desperately hard not to cry again. I had spent most of the last three weeks living on Rescue Remedy and essential oils, battling harder with my weight and inexplicable emotions when I didn’t feel overly cut up about the whole thing. I got as far as Sainsbury’s in Worle when my phone lit up with an unrecognised number. I pulled into the car park and took a deep breath before opening the message.
“Since you advised me that you don’t want anything to do with me and that you were sending me the money for it, I’m taking mum away for two days.”
I could feel my face screw up in an ugly mixture of tears and anger. If only he knew.
“Okay. Have a nice time.”
I thought that would be it, but no. It kept coming.
“I’m friends with all my ex’s I don’t want that to change I hope that’s okay with you, have a good time and if you could send me the money this week that would be great, I’ll be thinking of you x”
There weresomany things wrong with that text. It made me laugh though. After three months of denying that we were an ‘item’, as soon as he broke up with me, that’s what we became. How could I get just under a hundred pound to him in a week? I didn’t have a nice job that paid alot. I hadn’t been earning that much for 12 years, unlike some people… I’d said would get him the money, but it was going to take time. I wasn’t going to let this go now.
“How can you break up with me if we were never together?”
“How can you split with me if were friends?”
“I didn’t split with you! I walked away.”
“Don’t use your language on me…”
“I can take responsibility”
I could feel the Rescue Remedy coming out! A torrent of panic and anger hit me like a speeding train.
“I’m not blaming anyone!” I cried, finally… And that was it… Nothing. Silence.
Don’t look back, at this crumbling fool…
Edinburgh was… Messy and the best fun I have ever had at the same time. It cost me an absolutebomb, spending £250 in three days is never a good idea, but all the time, there was something missing. Standing in departures in Bristol and even sat on the plane, a part of me hoped he would just appear at any minute. I knew it was never going to happen. As much like a movie as my life often was, I could tell this was one of the scenes that had been cut from the final edit. Clubbing in Edinburgh by myself was… fun… Truly bizarre, but still fun and I felt like a new person. Undergone a reinvention once again, I returned a more bubbly, more outgoing and less tied down person. I was ready for what life was going to throw at me and made some great new friends along the way.
I wrote a lot in Edinburgh and it made me realise just what Matt gave me. He was a building block in life and something I could start a new chapter from. Because my story. Well, that’s only just beginning…
Never mind, I’ll find someone like you…
In the Mother-Fucking Woods, Baby